“Guy you don go check your result?” Yemi asked me on the night I had running stomach.
“I never check oh!” I said, “you don check?”
“No oh I never check, make we go check am tomorrow na!”
“Guy I dey fear ooh”
“You dey fear w€tin?” I was unaware Brother Wale was listening.
“I dey mad? Why I go fear? I no dey fear ohh!”
“Okay since you are not scared, I will give you money to buy the scratch card, and I want you to check it tomorrow” The Commander had spoken.
“Guy I dey fear oh! I fit fail maths oh!” I whispered to Yemi.
“hahahahahaha! Shebi that day wey we dey write maths you go dey sleep!”
“Guy shebi I tell you say make we no come this cyber café? You too s’tubborn”
“Why you no want make we check our result here? Shey na because Tolani my sister dey work here?” We stood at the front of the cyber café.
“No! no be because of that, I no like this cyber café, people go see the result com dey laugh person”
“E no mean na! We go pass na! And if we pass and our result make sense people go tell us congratulation” Yemi said, “Them fit even dash us money sef”
“them go dash us money say w€tin happen? Na them be our papa?”
“Make we enter na?”
“Guy you enter first!” I adjusted my curtain-material shirt and washed my lips with my tongue so my crush would be attracted to my “red lip”, Cliff lip I mean to say.
“SB, What happened to your lip?” Tolani was just seeing it for the first time.
“Ok Dog! Dog bite me” The scar from Brother Wale’s death and resurrection still remained.
“Hahahahahahahaha! Dog! You and Dog sef?” She laughed remembering the other day.
“Tolani we are here to check our result” Yemi said.
“Ooooh! Finally you want to check your result now” I never knew Yemi was also scared of failure.
The internet connection was so fast but my heart beat was faster.
“Thou art worthy O Lord, Worthy O Lord……………………… To receive Glory honour and power………………………………… For Thou art created all things are for thy plessure…………………… They are and were created……………………… Thou art worthy Lord…………………”
“SB this one wey you dey sing so, are we safe?” Yemi the wide mouth.
“Make I no sing again? Make I no praise God?”
“hahahahahahaha! SB don’t mind him jor, praise God”
In my heart of heart I had concluded that should Yemi score a C in mathematics, I had failed the subject, but should he score a B or an A in the subject, then I was safe.
“Yemi you try oh!” His result was out.
“Really? What did he score in Mathematics?” I couldn’t see the computer screen from where i sat.
“Come see am na!” Yemi was all smiles.
“You no fit tell me! Abi you wound for mouth?” My blood pressure escalated.
“I get C5 for maths ooh!” He said.
“Really! Make I see am!” I stood up from where I sat.
What I saw was “Chicken Boy Chicken Boy Chicken Boy”. Chicken Boy was a slang said to refer to a result full of C’s and B’s. Earlier Tolani had shown I and Yemi her result which was “Aba Aba Aba Aba Aba”. Aba was another slang said to refer to a result full of A’s and B’s. I remember when I brought home a “Father Francis Fried Five Fresh Fishes for Five Friends Form France” result home.
I was in SS2 then, it was first term. Maami died a month to our exam, and the trauma of losing a loving mother made me detested my books. I slept in all the exam papers especially in mathematics.
When we were given our result I was smiling not expecting what I saw; I mean I knew I would fail but not that kind of failure.
“SB make we see your result na” Kpobo said.
“Why you wan see my result? Make I see your own first”
“See my own na!” He showed me.
“Oboy your result na Deede Deede Deede” I said.
Deede was yet another slang said to refer to a result full of D’s and E’s; the “Sir” kind of result – and of course you and I know Deede is Igbo language means “Sir”.
Deede result wasn’t far in hierarchy when compared to Father Francis result, or so I thought, so I showed Kpobo my result.
“Guy this your result na Father Francis Fried Five Fresh Fishes for Five Friends From France” Kpobo tongue twisted.
“You mean am!” Kolawole Joined.
“You, e concern you? Make we see your own?”
“See my own na!” Kolawole showed us his result.
“Efcc Efcc Efcc Efcc” was it.
There was no way I would had shown Brother Wale the Father Francis result when i got home, no way!
When I got home……………
“I heard you collected your result today, Can I see it” Brother Wale asked.
“Result! They did not give me result oh!”
“Why?” He stared right at my eyes.
“No Zee! Why didn’t they give you result?” He yelled.
“Because………………… Because………………… Because……………………” Liars cross.
“Because what?” He raised his voice.
“Because I owe toilet money” Lie established.
“And how much is this toilet money?” He asked.
“One thousand naira” I answered.
“One thousand naira is too much for toilet money na!”
“Brother they said I s’hit too much in the boys toilet, that is why”
If Yemi could score C5 in mathematics, then I lost hope.
“SB bring your own scratch card let us check your result!” Tolani said.
“Yes you na!”
“Me? I did not come here to check any result oh, I just escorted Yemi here”
“Don’t mind him oh, we came together to check our results, in fact his scratch card is with me!” Over-joyous Yemi offered his sister my scratch card.
“SB come and see your result!” Tolani announced.
“My result? I don’t want it, take it I dash you!” And everyone in the café laughed.
“Come I see it na!” And I was walking out of the café.
“SB where you dey go?” Yemi asked.
“Make person no piss again? I wan go piss!”
“Don’t worry I will help him print it!” I heard Tolani said as I walked out.
“Print am for yourself! Or use the paper go buy suya!” I whispered.
“God I know say I be sinner, I know say I be expert for lie, I know say I no dey read my book, Baba abeg I no wan fail…………………… If I pass this WAEC with Six credit I promise you say I go dey go church everyday” I said a short prayer.
“If I piss this piss finish I go go up go collect my result, anyhow wey dey result be I go take am like that” I pledged.
“eeeh! I never even zip down oh” I had peed on my trouser; about one litre of pee.
My trouser seemed like it was designed by a clothing company called “w€t Soul” as it was w€t all through the upper half.
“Guy w€tin w€t your trouser na? You piss for body?” I met Yellow on my way upstairs.
“Which kin talk be that one? How I go piss for body, I be small pikin? Na one woman pour me pure water by mistake oh”
“I sure na? Why I go dey lie for you! Make I carry you go see the woman?”
“No, forget that one abeg! You don check your result?”
“Yes oh! My result dey up dey wait me”
“I never see the result oh, But I know say I go pass”
“SB see your result!” Yemi handed over a paper to me.
English C4, Biology C5, French E8, Economics C6, Chemistry C4, Physics C5, Igbo Language E8, Geography C6,…………………………………
“Where maths na?” I asked myself.
Mathematics C6…………………………… “Ope ooooh!” I yelled. My I had invented another slang to describe exam result; “Cece Winas”
“Ope ooooh! I pass maths oh!” I jumped.
“SB!” Tolani called; I thought she wanted to congratulate me for my success.
“ehnnnnnn Tolani love!”
“Why is your trouser w€t?” She asked.
“Okay, it rained outside”