“I am not running sir! I want to carry my slippers” I said.
“so I sent you to give Christy my love food and you came to play ball”
“I did not play oh! I was just watching them!” I lied.
“you were just watching them and your legs are dirty?”
“Wale please leave the young man alone!” Christy said.
“leave him alone? Why should I? And where is the food I gave to you to give to her?” he asked me.
“It……… It…………… It don pour for ground oh! Is it not Debo that troway it for ground” I murdered English language.
“Debo troway it for ground abi? And what kind of English did you just speak?”
“English? I just speak English English!” I answered.
“Seyi bobo!” Aunty Christy hailed, “which one be English English again?”
“Mr. English English will you stand up from there and lets head to the farm!” Brother Wale ordered.
“Head! Lets head?” I told myself my head was in for a crash should I head Brother Wale’s Titanic head.
“Yes! I said stand up and lets head to the farm.”
“but brother I don’t want to head oh! I have head ache” I cried.
“you have head ache eeeeh! Oya come let me help you massage the big head of yours”
“hahahahahaha!” Christy was laughing.
“why this one dey laugh? ugly girl!”
Truth be told Aunty Christy was beautiful, d–n beautiful; the kind of beauty that could make a fish fly with a bird.
In the farm few minutes later I was seeing things! Yes I was seeing things.
As I bent down to cut bitter leaf, I was seeing things, I face cardinal point north south, I was still seeing things, I stood, I was still seeing things.
Her l’aps was as fresh as cucvmber and yellow like Fanta. She noticed I was looking at her fresh l’aps so she turned and gave it all to me.
“Yeaaah! I don cut my hand with knife oh!” I cried.
“that serves you right! When you will not concentrate in what you are cutting!”
“leave the young man alone na!” Aunty Christy said.
“no mind am jor!” I said.
“you said what?” I saw fury in Brother Wale’s eyes.
“me? Say? I dey craze? Why I go say anything?” I heard Aunthy Christy laughed.
Few seconds and I was moving to the ridge close to where I could get 3D view of all Aunty Christy could offer.
“And what are you looking at?” Brother Wale caught my eyes.
“me? Looking? I am not looking anything oh! I am just thinking!”
“thinking of what?” He yelled.
“thinking of how I will write my exam tomorrow!” That was a big fat lie i said. Me! Think of how I will write exam? I dey craze? Writing examination wasn’t a problem to me at all; I had a formation of 4-4-2.
Dele played the right full back, Ikenna played the centre forward, Tobi played the role of the attacking mid fielder, Bola was the striker and of course I was always in the goal post to keep the goals.
I stood for a while thinking of the day I entered the exam hall loaded with “micro chips” and, “SB you dey add weight oh!” Ikenna said.
“yes na! I dey add weight because I dey eat better food na!” I returned.
“why I no go sure? Abi na you get my body?” Tied around my body like a suicide bomber was “bombs”
Few seconds later…………… and I unveiled the bombs one after the other …………………………
“everybody lets clap hands for Seyi Ajibade as he leaves the exam hall, he has been caught cheating!” Mr. Akinyele the examiner announced.
I stood up and walked majestically out of the exam hall all smiles little did I know I was walking to my failure in mathematics.
Few seconds to the end of the exam, Mr. Akinyele was lenient enough to allow me back into the hall. To do what? Did I hear you ask? To write the exam of course.
Two seconds after I was allowed to enter the hall and I struggled with my pen to steal time to finish the two hours exam in just twenty seconds, and Yemi! Oh Yemi! What manner of friend?
“SB! SB! SB!” I heard Yemi called. I thought he was calling to give me an already answered sheet but Ye
“SB! SB! SB!” I heard Yemi called. I thought he was calling to give me an already answered sheet but Yemi! Oh Yemi!
“SB you don do number thirty?” He said.
“your father there!!”
“and whose father are you talking of?” I was back in reality.
“nobody ooh!” I answered.
“have you finished cutting the bitter leaf in that part of the farm?”
“Me? I dey cut Aunty Christy p’ant here oh!” I dared not said, “you no see as my thing don rise?” And indeed its been a while since my thing rose to that height. For it to rise for a crush of mine is worth it isn’t it?
A crush of mine and Brother Wale would not allow her be mine.
I remember the day brother Wale almost r’aped Aunty Christy in the farm, that was when Maami was still alive but she was not in farm that evening.
So many activities happened that evening; activities like I carried a big bag of water leaf on my head and it reduced my height by two inches, but that wasn’t important, I had defecated in the bush that evening because i had running stomach, but that wasn’t important, I had killed a snake that evening, but that wasn’t important. There was another snake, it was a big black snake, it came out of brother Wales’s trouser – it has been there for twenty eight years of his life.
“Seyi go and drop this bag of water leaf, and tie it before you return!” Commander commanded.
“But brother I still have more bags to pack home na!” I said.
“my friend will you obey before you complain! Drop that bag and don’t return till you tie the leaves!” I knew something was fishy.
I reached home, dropped the bag of water leaf as instructed and headed back to the farm to see what Brother Wale was up to with my crush.
“Lets do it fast!” Aunty Christy said.
“do what fast! I no go gree una!” I saw from the corner I stood that Brother Wale was really carrying an Anaconda in between his legs.
“See snake ooooh!” I yelled.
“where the snake?” Brother Wale was already afar while I enjoyed a close range view of Aunty Christy the movie.