Me?” I answered.
“no me! My friend where is the thing he gave you to keep for me?” He coughed.
“coho! coooh! sorry for yourself! where is it?”
“I put it in my pocket, lemme bring it” I searched my back pocket.
“ahaan! Its not here oh! But I put it here na!” I took lollipop form my goody bag of lies.
“then where is it?”
“I no know oh! E be like say my pocket dey leak oh!”
Imagine hot yam struck your left eye and a stainless plate fired to the back of your head; that’s not all, imagine palm oil poured on your face entering you eyes. That was what happened to me that night.
When I woke up the next morning I saw my eyes was a palm oil mine; red in colour.
“I want us to be playing music here” Brother told me as we set the fire to start work one evening.
“I mean I want us to play music to entertain our customers”
“okay! That means we will need to hire a generator every night”
“Don’t worry about that I have a generator already, I bought it from Luku”
“Okay Brother, since you have bought a generator already and we have a sound system in the house, we can play music for our customers then” I was glad.
I was glad I will have the medium to display to my customers my dancing skills.
“Bring Akara two hundred naira for me!” Red Loaf Yellow’s elder brother ordered.
“Oga Red the Akara still dey fire, wait small!” I said.
“You dey mad there! How many times I go tell you people say my name no be Red, my name na Rad loaf”
Red, Red loaf, are there not the same? As far as there is a red in it.
Red loaf is a guy red in complexion; an upcoming musician, and he is as skinny as dried fish. I think the Onis had colour deformity in their gene. The first son is red in complexion, the second son is Yellow in complexion and their only daughter is somewhat green in complexion. As for their mother and father? Fogerit mehn! Their Dad is greenish blue while their Mum is “pure” yellow – an albino.
“How dare you call my brother mad!” Brother Wale stood for a fight.
Brother Wale had always hated Red loaf since he promised to make Christy a music star in the process tried r’aping her; he had since then always longed to pick a fight with him and “beat the hell out of him”, his words.
“Is he not mad? Don’t he look mad? In fact all your family members are mad!” Red loaf cursed.
“you are a big f’ool!” Brother Wale pushed Red loaf and he was on guard bouncing for a fight.
“you wan fight me?” Red loaf swayed.
“Brother Wale leave him! Don’t fight him!” I said
“he will beat you Brother Wale” I nearly said.
“baaaam!” A very “ripe” punch landed on Brother Wale’s left eye. One-zero.
“I dodge am!” Brother Wale gave the air a punch. Over the bar.
“baaam baaam!” On quick successions, two heavy punches land on Brother Wale’s both eyes. Three-zero.
“my eye ooh!” I helped my brother cried.
“w€tin give Brother Wale mind? See the kin blow wey Red loaf blow him mouth and him no cry!” I said to myself.
Then yet another hot punch to my brother’s nose and I saw him staggered like Klint the drunk.
“you no go help am? Until them go kill your brother!” I heard from my left ear.
Next Brother Wale grabbed Red loaf and……………………………
“aaaaaah! My nose oh!”
“Him dey bite my nose oh!” I heard Red loaf cried.
“hahahahahahaha! Red loaf nose na Kpomoh, e don tay wey Wale chop Kpomoh” Brother Timo laughed.
“who tell you that one? Sabi sabi!” I can be very disrespectful when someone abuse my elder brother.
“na me you dey talk to?” Brother Timo walked towards me.
“yes na you I dey talk to, how you go insult my brother?”
“you dey mad?” He asked.
“I no dey mad” I answered simple question.
“na me you dey tell say you no dey mad abi?”
Before I knew it, a push on my chest and I flew like a rocket with the speed of light.
Little did I know………………..
Little did I know that my b’alls in a split second will be fried with Akara b’alls.
“Shhhhaaaaa” I landed on something very hot.
My b’utt was on fire and I could feel in my brain too.
“My nyash!” I cried, “Brother Wale help me! My nyash!”
Not only my “nyash”, my laps were melting, My palms were swollen, my b’alls were frying, I could feel gas came out from my a’sshole, I had p’ooed in the hot oil.
“my nyash! Make una help me!” And they all fled save Brother Wale.
“so you cannot fight for me!’ Brother Wale said to a bed ridden SB.
“But I was fighting for you na, that’s why I am here” The hospital bed was hard on my butt.
“Is it Timo that you are supposed to fight?”
“I was fighting him because he insulted you”
My nyash never remained the same; it was peel off, I was a typical; “black body, yellow nyash”.
For the next few weeks I went through hell in school. His Royal highness Kpobo made sure school was hell for me, He drew me in the blackboard sitting on a pot of hot oil. And mehn Kpobo can draw! He drew my head so perfectly that deep down I commended him.
“burn-burn nyash how far! Make I see your nyash!” Kpobo said to me during break time.
“na that one make you dey pour me spit?” Kpobo was a watering can when he spoke.
“who dey pour you spit?” He grabbed my nyash.
“aaaaaaaah! My nyash! Oya sorry sorry sorry!”
I felt groundnut oil dripped off my a’ss.
“You! Why are you standing?” Mr. Audu the new mathematics teacher said.
“sir I have…….” I pointed at my behind.
“sir his bom-bom is bad!” Kpobo stood and said.
“His bom-bom oti baje” Yemi my best friend stabbed me, and the whole class laughed.
“What happened to his bom-bom?” Mr. Audu asked.
“Sir him fall inside oil wey them dey use to fry Akara” Yemi the information minister.
Even Mr. Audu couldn’t hide his laughter.
“SB my man!” Yemi ran to me as I walked home.
“you dey mad there! So na me you dey laugh for class abi?”
“I dey mad abi? You dey curse me say I dey mad because I tell them w€tin happen to your nyash abi?”
“Yes, are you not a mad man? Can’t you frown your face while they were laughing?”
“okay sorry na”
“abeg comot here jor!”
“sorry na! Moi moi dey here oh” He offered.
“I no want!” That was initial “gra-gra”, I knew I would still take.
“the Moi moi sweet oh, where you buy am?” I munched.
“na for Mama Ekiti place oh” He informed.
I had forgotten, I had forgotten that I needed to prevent eating fart-fast-producing food like Moi Moi.
We were about 50 metres to our street when on fart came; “brruuuu!” my a’ss itched. The gas was responsible i guess.
“bruuutuu!” And it was very itchy.
“Yemi!” I called.
“ehnnn! w€tin?” He turned.
“help me scratch my nyash” I pleaded, “scratch am small small oh”
As Yemi c’aressed my a’ss for some seconds I was back to normal, but he paused.
“Continue na!” I was enjoying it.
“Hold it there! What are you doing to his a’ss?” I heard Brother Wale’s voice.
“I don’t have axe with me oh!” Yemi said.
“I turned and saw Grand Commander of the Federal Republic Brother Wale with his first lady Christy.
“He is not axing me oooh!”
“hahahahahaha!” Christy laughed.
“why are you laughing na! Yemi is not with axe na!” I cautioned.
“Will you shut up! I said what are you doing with his a’ss?” Brother Wale pointed.
“Okay! My nyash! He is just helping me to scratch it”
“He is helping you scratch you nyash abi?” Brother Wale frowned.
“Is your nyash scratch card?” Aunty Christy said.
“Na your Papa nyash be scratch!” I cursed.
“eehn! you say w€tin?” She yelled.
That was the day I knew Brother Wale could do better than Usain bolt.