Mad in love
After searching and studying through the drugs, I finally settled for Anti-depressant
s, the Buspar which I learnt was a unique drug and that it was non habit forming. It was used for treating generalised anxiety disorder. I also picked, some antipsychotics for psychotic disorder adding some valium too as I needed him sleeping most of the day as I went for work.
Even when it was quite discouraging, when I read that, there was no cure for mental illness, I hopped for the better. If I could get Benjamin stable for a while as I try to figure out the solution to his problem, that would help things a lot.
” what happened?” You are never late for anything ” he asked holding my shoulders.
” I was held up man, but not to worry am here now, right? ” I smiled looking beyond his shoulder to take in the group of guys and girls taking some wine and soft drinks as the loud music played from the stereo.
Kegan’s small yard was crowded. I chatted with some work mates who were also invited and after some long hour which surprisingly bore me, I started looking for Kegan to say bye to him. The party was almost over and I decided to go back home. After all, I had a patient to take care of.
I looked around the yard and the living room but there was no sign of him.
” where could he be?” I asked his boyfriend who shook his head.
” I don’t know. I bet he must be inside ” he pointed out and I walked inside again this time going direct to his bedroom. Kegan rented a one bedroomed semi detached flat.
” oh Jesus!” I shouted seeing Kegan making out with a blonde girl. He smiled at me and raised his left hand as he kept doing his thing.
” give me 5 minutes!” He shouted in his drunken voice and I shook my head closing back the door.
” tell Kegan I have headed out. I need to do something ASAP” I whispered to his friend and took off. I had no time to wait for him to finish doing a girl he probably met minutes past at his party.
That was Kegan’s weakness, he never let a beautiful girl pass him and that made me get over my hidden admiration towards him. I had initially admired his handsome features the first day we met 2 years back at work. But now, i was content with just us being good friends and since I knew him too well, it never crossed my mind to have anything more with him. Even when he mostly used me to dump his girlfriends making us pose like a couple.
I recalled how he foolishly made me kiss him at a mall, after seeing a girl that was so much into him and he was fade up of her.
” what was that?” I pushed him away and he laughed out.
” you will see that girl will never step a foot close to me again!” He shrugged and licked on the corn ice cream we were eating.
I reached home some minutes later, just to find the living room dark and quiet. I felt sad I left the lights off, now Benjamin had to stay in the dark for the time I was away.
Turning the switch on, I almost screamed out seeing him standing in the corner staring at nothing in particular. It was like he was afraid.
” oh Benjamin! am so sorry I forgot to turn on the bulb” I told him trying to hold his hand.
He shifted his face to me and looked down my hand holding him. ” it’s so dark!” He shivered his scared eyes looking whiter than normal.
” it’s okey, am here now” I sighed pulling him to the couch.
I realised as days went by, that the drugs were working as he kept calm, he never moved from wherever I left him everytime I went for work.
I always made sure I left food which I had come to learn he loved Chicken more than any relish. He would not touch anything else I would save him but Nshima and sometimes oranges.
He always looked pleased seeing me back I could almost feel his crazy smiles meant well.
A week had passed and I could bet he looked better each day, he was always clean and with the clothes I had gotten for him, he looked good. One wouldn’t tell if they came to find him seated and quiet.
I always took photos of him and would watch them whenever at work. I had decided to make my spare bedroom his own and so I always left him locked there with his meals sc3lĺĺaaved. I knew he would get some sleep during the the time i was away and I took him out to sit with me in the sitting room after knocking off.
One day, I came back and found him looking out the window, ” hey Benjamin!” I called out putting my hand bag on his bed, he turned to look at me and I saw his lips curve in a smile.
” how are you feeling?” I asked standing next to him.
He shook his head, ” sad” he responded softly his deep sweet voice so calm.
” oh that’s bad” I told with genuine concern.
” but why? Are you hungry? ” I asked him. He shook his head but said nothing. I had come to learn that he spoke less. It was mostly one or two words. And sometimes he would murmer some words to himself and smile too.
I stood closer to him and placed my head in his chest, ” I know, it must be hard being locked up, but what can I do? I can’t let you outside” I whispered rubbing my hand at his chest on top his stripped Gray t-shirt he had on.
Tears fall off my eyes at the thought of how he was probably suffering being in his condition, worst still if he was feeling nothing at all, that would mean I he was more like a dead person and it hurt me a lot.
I was sobbing silently still leaning on him and he surprisingly, raised my head wiping the tears from my eyes. I cried the more seeing how he was becoming sensitive to my emotions.
” you can feel me?” I smiled between tears. He didn’t respond but his eyes looked deeply into mine and for a moment I felt he was telling me, ‘ all shall be well.’
” I don’t know what to do Benjamimn, I can’t tell anyone about you, my family and friends would probably crucify me for what i have done. I have practically refused any visits to my home because I can’t risk people seeing you here” I spoke almost to myself as he kept staring at me.
” but I feel in here” i held his hand to my heart. ” what I feel here, gives me hope Benjamin and I know one day I will prove to the world that love is beyond any reason or boundaries” I sniffed in and wiped the tears from my cheek.
He smiled again, but this time, it was his usual silly smiles.
” come here now” I pulled his hand and walked him to the living room. I sat closer to him taking in the K350 Rasai perfume I got for him, I loved his scent.
I smiled when he leaned his head on me even when he didn’t do it right. I moved back a bit and made him place his head on my laps.
“What would I do without your smart mouth?Drawing me in, and you kicking me out.
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind. I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright. My head’s under water. But I’m breathing fine. You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh oh!”
Came the soft sounds of John Lengend’s ‘All of Me’ song from the home theatre as I rubbed his soft face gently closing my eyes. It felt like home being so close to him.
He kept his eyes at the screen of the TV which had no sound as I turned it off so that the only sound in the room was from the song playing.
I let the song play on repeat for hours and I slowly dozed off. By the time I woke up, it was close to 20 pm. Surprised Benjamin was still laying on my laps as he played with his fingers.
” you hungry mnmmm ?” I asked him. He nodded his head,
” Nshima” he opened his mouth and I sat up lifting him to sit on his own.
” I know, I dozed off and am sorry supper is late.” I sighed, standing on my bare feet as I had pushed my shoes off.