MEMOIRS OF AN UGLY GIRL Batch 1

MEMOIRS OF AN UGLY GIRL
By *HSR* 📝📝📝
Life is full of pain.
The pain of losing a loved one
The pain of failure
The pain of rejection
Behold, my pain is all combination due to its variation, bringing me frustration feeling of dejection, depression pushing me in seclusion separation from so called perfection.
My own reflection a sight- gag
Not an ounce of beauty
Why can’t I be pretty? Cries my inner me
Pretty as the girls in my class, my mates or movie stars I enviously watch with countless wishes pondering on their breath-taking features.
Perfect as dolls glowing as the sun. Reality kills me out of my wishes
Here I am ugly as it sounds
My pain is so clear
Why can’t I be attractive, my heart aches
I can’t change this, I was born this way.
Wait, why was I born? Makes no sense
My pain is pain
My reflection a sight gag
SUNDAY- JANUARY 1, 2017
📖 Diary entry 1 📖
Dear Diary,
It’s the first day of the year and for me this simplifies a new beginning, I hope there are far better things ahead than any that I have left behind.
My name is Zena Mathjis, today was an amazing day since it was my birthday. I just turned 20! Though no one bought me a cake, my grandmother cooked a feast & sang the traditional ‘Happy Birthday’ song. I didn’t receive any fancy gifts like most girls do, all I got is you, not that I am complaining.
 
You and I are going to be the best of friends, from today henceforth you shall be the one I confide in most, they shall be no secrets between us, and I promise to tell you all about my dreams, goals, ambitions and desires.
I am an average ordinary kind of girl, my looks don’t stop traffic nor do they keep people’s attention. I am extremely slim and plain while my face is undefined every part of me could use some renovation. Yes I am ugly and I know it, this is something I can’t change.
I have always been insecure about the way I look and I have had a difficult time fighting against low self esteem and being bullied.
I am pursuing a degree in business administration and this is my final year, I don’t have any friends at school so I usually sit at the far end of the room all by myself eyeing my mates with envy because they seem to have it all.
 
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere so I often shut myself from the world.
I haven’t met my mother before though I have seen some of her old photographs, she left me with my grandmother a few days after I was born to start her life all over again unfortunately that life didn’t include a child.
Can you imagine this woman discarded me like a piece of clothing and dumped me without looking back? Who does that? I don’t blame her though I must have been too ugly for her to handle.
I feel so connected to my grandmother, ‘Koko’ as I call her because she raised me all by herself. Koko owns a small shop by the roadside and she has been doing all sorts of odd jobs to see me through school.
Her other children -my aunties and uncles blatantly refused to sponsor my education, they call me an outcast and an unwanted child.
 
I am all that I am because of her, someday when i am rich I will take good care of her, she is the only parent I have, the only one I will ever have. She might not have been able to give me a luxurious life but she made sure I always had food on the table and clothes on my body that for me was enough.
Koko is a lovely woman she never ceases to amaze me, she is the only one who apparently calls me beautiful she sees in me what I fail to see in myself. She named me Zendaya meaning ‘to give thanks,’ she says I am her lucky charm and she will never stop giving thanks to God for me.
What have I left out? Oh wait my hobbies, do I even have any.
Hahahahah! Apparently I do have some. I love writing, I write for myself though, I don’t think my work is good enough for anyone to read, I find writing therapeutic, it is the place where I can fully express myself without being bullied or ridiculed.
I also read a lot I have a mini library in my bedroom where I stock my novels, sometimes I just lie down on the floor in my room the wh0le day and read.
I also love to dance, I love to download videos on you tube of different dance moves then I try them out, I am really becoming good by the way.
Oh my grandmother is calling me, I will be right back!!!
MONDAY- JANUARY 2, 2017* 💙
📖– *Diary entry –2* 📖
Dear Diary,
Have you ever had one of those days where you wished you were dead? A day where you wish you would fall into a deep slumber and never open your eyes again? Well today was one of those days, it was really bad and dark.
I got up in the morning around 7:30 which was quiet early for me, Koko said we were having visitors and the house must be clean by the time they arrive.
I got dressed and ate breakfast before I started cleaning up, Koko and I live in a little four bed roomed house, since it’s just me and her, the house never gets dirty so cleaning just takes me about an hour or so.
After I finished cleaning, Koko gave me some money and sent me to the mall to get her a few things.
I hate going to the mall because it’s usually filled with beautiful well dressed ladies, ladies I am no match too.
You know my heart bleeds when I stare at all these beautiful ladies, like why didn’t God put a little more effort in creating me? Couldn’t he have made me a little prettier? I just feel he didn’t put in as much effort in creating me.
Like who makes something this ugly? A little curve, smaller l-ips and a little colour could have made more sense.
Come to think of it maybe he didn’t even want to create me in the first place.
Sometimes I wonder why Viola didn’t abort me when she had the chance to. Oh Viola is my mother’s name from what I have heard. And from the photos I have seen, Viola is quiet a beautiful woman, I am nothing like her, I bet people stop in their tracks to stare each time she walks by.
Do I ever think about Viola? Of course I do, most of the time I sit down and wonder how life would have been like with her in my life, ya I know Koko has done a good job raising me but deep down my heart there is a void she couldn’t fill, a void only Viola and my dad could fill.
And speaking of my father, I know nothing about him, heard Viola never mentioned the person who got her pregnant.
Anyway someday I hope Viola pops up, I have a lot of questions that only she has answers to.
Okay enough about Viola.
So as I was walking down the street to the mall lost in thought, I accidentally bumped into a group of guys.
‘Dude! Watch where you are going,’ one of them said
‘Mxxxm, I am not a dude,’ I responded defensively.
‘Oops, she is a girl,’ the other one said and they all burst out laughing.
‘Gosh, are you really a girl? Like really.’
I shook my head and walked past them but I could still hear them talking ill about me.
If being ugly is disease, then it’s one of those deadly contagious diseases. I have to deal with people passing silly comments about my hideous looks almost all the time it’s quiet frustrating. This is the reason I like to hide myself from the world. I doubt anyone will ever love me for me apart from Koko.
So I got to the mall and went straight to ‘Pick n pay’ I was walking while facing down because I couldn’t stand to look at all these beautiful and nice people. I quickly selected the items on Koko’s list and rushed back home at least this time around I made it home without anyone calling me names.
When I walked into our compound, I noticed a familiar car parked in front of our house.
‘It’s going to be a long day,’ I thought to myself as I opened the door and walked in.
‘Zendaya, is that you,’ Koko called my name as soon as I walked in.
‘Yes Koko it’s me.’
‘Come and greet your aunties,’ she called to me
I placed the plastics on the table and walked to the living room. Koko was in the living room with Auntie Jenny and Auntie Naomi, these two are Viola’s elder sisters.
‘Welcome auntie,’ I knelt beside them.
‘Welcome! As if it’s your house,’ Auntie Jenny clicked her tongue.
‘Jenny, don’t make the child feel bad, this is her house.’
‘Oh please mum, did Viola leave any house before she left?’
‘This girl is as good as homeless,’ Auntie Naomi laughed.
‘Naomi.’
‘No mum, she needs to know where she stands. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately Viola, you keep getting uglier I think my sister was devastated by your face she had to dump you here, you have been nothing but a burden to mum, mum should be enjoying her old age and not fend for you.’
‘Naomi all this is not necessary please.’
My aunties went on and on, they said some really hurtful words to me and before I knew it tears were rolling down my cheeks.
‘See what you have done now,’ Koko angrily scolded them.
‘Cry baby,’ get out of here this minute.
I rushed to my room and locked myself up, I cried almost the wh0le time today, why did Viola have to dump me here, why didn’t she poison me.
In the evening I felt hopeful because I knew my aunties would be going back but to my surprise only auntie Jenny left, apparently Auntie Naomi is having challenges in her marriage and she will be staying with us for a while.
Can things get any worse?
Right now my head is spinning and I feel dizzy, my auntie is emotionally abusive and I know she will spend her time here frustrating me.
That’s all for tonight diary, I need to lie down a little while and think about what tomorrow holds for me.
Love Zen🖤💙🖤
*TBC*