MEMOIRS OF AN UGLY GIRL
By HSR* 📝📝📝
– *Diary entry –21*
I woke up to the most horrible pain in my stomach an hour ago and I can’t seem to fall back asleep.
It’s been two days since Koko left and to be honest I feel so incomplete, it feels like a part of me is missing. This place doesn’t even feel like home without Koko in it, I hope she comes back fast before her children devour me.
In the two days she has been away, I have been abused emotionally, I know it’s nothing new but you can never get used to being abused and called names. Every time they abuse me feels like a first, the pain is always raw it has never healed I doubt it ever will.
Koko’s children have an inexhaustible supply of hatred for me and it burns fiercely each and every day, every interaction with them is always rough and violent.
No matter how much I try to be polite they always find faults in me, like what kind of people behave like this, honestly I am tired of them I need rest.
Someday I hope I move to a place far away from them, maybe just then I will know peace and love.
I sat at the table and sipped my tea slowly thinking about how unfair my life has been. Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel or maybe the light I have been waiting for is just an illusion.
Will things ever feel whole or maybe that too is a farfetched dream?
When i finished my tea, I rinsed my cup and quietly placed it back in the cupboard.
Then I turned off the kitchen light and made my way back to my room. I took some pain killers and lay down to go back to sleep.
It wasn’t long before my eyes closed and drifted off to sleep.
Hours later, the splash of cold water jolted me awake, I gasped as I stared at Auntie Naomi who was carrying a bucket of water in her hands.
I was cut off as she splashed more water on me.
‘You think this is your mother’s house, why would you be sleeping at this hour of the day?’ she yelled
I wiped the water from my face, ‘Did you really have to do that?’ I yelled back at her
‘Yes,’ she laughed, ‘Now you will have to wash all these dirty beddings?’
‘No offence but you need to start acting your age auntie, you aren’t a child anymore.’
I seriously don’t know where I found the guts to say what I just said it just came out before I could even stop it. I was furious at what she had just done, couldn’t she have just called out my name if she wanted to wake me up.
‘What did you just say?’
‘You heard me,’ I said before I got out of my bed.
‘How dare you talk to me like that you fool?’ she held my hand
‘Leave me alone,’ I screamed
‘So we are growing wings now,’ she laughed
‘Call it whatever you want.’
I yanked my hand from her grip and pushed her, she stumbled and fell.
Auntie Naomi is dramatic seriously she will never grow up. She screamed out loud causing Uncle Steve to rush into the room.
‘Here comes trouble,’ I said under my breath
‘What’s going on here?’ My uncle asked
‘This riffraff wants to kill me in my mother’s house,’ she said
‘What did she do this time?’
‘Can you imagine she called me childish and pushed me because I came to wake her up?’
‘This is what I have been going through in this house, each time I say something to her I get insulted and now it was gotten to her raising her hands on me,’ she said
‘That’s not true,’ I tried to defend myself
‘You are calling my sister a liar,’ my uncle yelled
Before I could even finish my sentence, he slapped me with the back of his hand. He slapped me so hard that he busted my nose and lip.
‘You know it’s not fair,’ I cried
‘Shut the fvck up, shut up, who gave you the right to talk when I talk?’
‘You are nothing but a waste of space, you are as stupid as the person who birthed you, you need to know your place in this house or else I will kick you out.’
He helped his sister up.
‘If mother doesn’t discipline you I will do it for her. What sort of human being are you? Aside from being ugly you are manner less too, what a bad combination.’
‘Mother has spoiled this girl too much,’ auntie said
‘I will make sure I put her in a straight line before I leave,’ my uncle said
He turned to me‘Clean yourself and come and make breakfast for us.’
With that said they walked out of the room.
I sank to the floor and wept.
‘God why have you forsaken me,’ I cried
After a while I heard my auntie calling for me, I wiped the tears from my eyes walked into the bathroom and undressed before I changed into something dry.
‘You called for me,’ I asked when I got to the living room.
‘Sherister is unwell, make her some soft porridge,’ she said
I shook my head and walked to the kitchen.
Diary entry –22*
The day started out the same I woke up quiet early and did all my housework. Then I prepared and served breakfast for everyone before I returned to my room to get myself ready for church.
After taking a quick cold shower, I went through my closet and pulled out a floral maxi dress.
I applied my makeup and did my hair before slipping my feet into a pair of sandals.
Satisfied with my look, I grabbed my Bible and purse before heading out of my room.
‘Where to?’ Uncle Steve startled me as I was trying to open the door.
I turned to face him, ‘Good morning Uncle.’
‘I don’t see anything good about this morning Zendaya, where are you going to all dressed up?’
‘I am going to church,’ I responded softly
I opened the door and hurriedly walked out.
After thirty minutes of walking, I walked through the gate of the church and headed for the door.
‘Morning Zen,’ one of the ushers greeted me at the door
‘Hey,’ I managed a smile
‘You came alone today, where is Koko?’
‘Koko had to travel to the village, her sister’s daughter is ill.’
‘Oh that’s sad.’
‘God is in control, she will get better sooner that you all expect.’
I walked in and found myself a seat.
After ten minutes, the Reverend walked in accompanied by other ministers.
The Reverend started the service with a worship song then she prayed and asked everyone to sit.
‘Beloved,’ the reverend started, ‘today we shall read from Psalm 34:18- The lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’
‘It doesn’t matter what you are going through right now God is always with you. You might be stuck in a dark place right now but don’t despair because brighter days will transpire,’ she said
I really enjoyed the service, it was as if she was talking to me, I took down the notes and prayer points she gave us and by the end of it all I was blessed, I felt more alive.
I left church around 11 hours and instead of going home, I got on a cab and went straight to Angie’s place. I wanted to surprise her.
The driver pulled up in front of Angie’s gate a while later, I handed him his money and stepped out. I pushed the gate open and walked towards the front door.
Once at the door I pressed the doorbell.
‘Hey Zen,’ their maid smiled when she opened the door for me.
‘You look amazing girl, how was church.’
‘Church was awesome.’
‘Try and drag your friend to church next time,’ she whispered.
I smiled, ‘Speaking of my friend is she in?’
‘Yes, she is.’
She stepped aside and allowed me to enter.
‘She is in her room with Maria.’
‘Maria,’ I asked puzzled
Diary, do you still remember who Maria is? She is Angie’s former best friend from school as far as I am concerned the two are no longer friends and they aren’t on speaking terms.
‘Earth to Zen,’ Bertha clicked her fingers in my face
I smiled, ‘I will go up and see her now.’
‘You zoned out on me.’
‘It’s nothing,’ I faked a smile and headed upstairs to Angie’s room.
I got to her bedroom door and was about to touch the doorknob but I stopped when I heard Maria’s voice.
‘This wasn’t the plan Angie and you know it,’ she shouted
‘I don’t care what the plan was all I know is that I am backing out right now.’
‘Oh so now you prefer the dirty ugly girl to me?’
‘Zen is a better friend than you Maria I am content with what I have with her.’
‘This wasn’t the plan Angie.’
‘Like I said, I have pulled out of the deal.’
‘Oh so how do you think your new friend will feel when she realizes you only befriended her because you wanted to humiliate her.’
‘You wouldn’t dare.’
‘Try me Angie, just try me,’ she raged
‘Don’t be stupid Maria, what will you benefit from hurting an innocent person.’
‘She is innocent today huh, wonders shall never end.’
‘Just let it go.’
When I was sure I had heard enough, I pushed the door open and walked in.
Both women stared at me as though they were seeing a ghost.
‘Zen!’ Angie exclaimed
‘You- at last,’ Maria said
‘So it was all a lie, all we shared was just a joke to you?’ I asked
‘No, let me explain.’
‘What will you possibly tell me? I heard everything you guys talked about.’
‘Everything you heard is true Zen,’ Maria began, ‘Remember how Mr. Mbulo embarrassed me in front of his class because you told him I refused to work with you on that group assignment, well Angie and I vowed to get back at you, the plan was to humiliate you by getting your hopes up that someone like Angie could actually have you as friend and then later hurt you.’
‘So you played me for a fool,’ I asked, at that point I couldn’t control my tears.
‘Zen,’ Angie tried to touch me but I moved away from her.
‘You need to let me explain.’
‘The last thing I want to hear is your explanation of how you played me for a fool. And to think I believed you and fell right into the trap. I opened to you, I trusted you Angie, how you must have laughed,’ I shook my head.
‘Let me tell you what really happened Zen, please give me a chance to explain.’
‘There is no need to explain to her Angie, you were never her friend in the first place, our mission has been accomplished now,’ Maria laughed
‘Maria shut up already, let me handle this,’ Angie snapped
‘Angie there is nothing you will say that will make me understand what you did. I’ve got to hand it to you, you know all the right things to say and do……..’
‘You don’t understand me,’ she cut me short.
I looked at Angie one more time and shook my head before I turned to leave I have never felt this much pain all my life, why would Angie lead me on like this.’
‘You are leaving so soon,’ Bertha asked
I opened the door and stormed out of the house without responding to her.
I cried all the way home I was crying so hard my heart was aching, I didn’t expect Angie to do this to me.
When I got home, I wiped my tears off my cheeks before entering the house.
My aunties were in the living watching TV while Sherister was eating a cake.
‘Good afternoon,’ I greeted my aunties
None of them responded.
Auntie Jenny looked at me and rolled her eyes.
‘Where are you coming from?’ she asked
I cleared my throat, ‘Church.’
‘Church ends at 11:00, this is 13:00, have you started meeting up with men now?’
‘No auntie, I pass by my friend’s house after church.’
‘Bloody fool,’ she clicked her tongue
‘Get the hell out of my face,’ she yelled
I walked away from them and headed straight to my room.