MEMOIRS OF AN UGLY GIRL
– *Diary entry –17*
18: 00: slowly walking back home from the mall, I have my headsets plugged into my ears.
Yes I know you think I am stupid for not giving Elijah a chance but this is me trying to protect the walls I have built around my heart, these walls cannot allow me to share my heart with anyone.
Yes I do like him but let’s call a spade a spade, a man like Elijah is not for someone like me.
I am too ugly & nobody loves ugly people, me inclusive let’s not run away from that fact.
Viola left, she couldn’t handle the shame of giving birth to an ugly child, she looked at me once and she fled, if not for Koko I would have been a street child.
‘Everyone is beautiful in their own way,’ so you say but have you even looked at me
The reflection I see in front of the mirror paralyses me, some days I try to pretend like I am okay, some days I just break down and cry because it’s so unfair that God decided to make me look like this, I don’t even want to be hundred percent beautiful even just 1% can make a difference.
Koko always says, ‘See yourself as God sees you, value who you are Zen.’
But how am I supposed to value myself, I grew up in an environment I was constantly reminded of how ugly I was, over the years I was taunted by unusual appearance, their words are ingrained deeply in my brain how am I expected to be an adult with a positive self image.
Even being Angela’s friend is a hard task, what if she wakes up one day and realizes I am no fun, what if she decides to go back to her beautiful friends.
I struggle with doubt every day, how do you even expect me to believe Elijah truly likes me?
I have gone my whole life being single no man has ever accepted me no man has ever thought I was good enough so this whole thing with Elijah is just so confusing.
Anyway enough about Elijah, I am trying to get over him after all.
So I got about home thirty minutes later, I pushed the gate open and walked in.
Koko’s car wasn’t in the driveway i bet she had gone for her weekly bible study. There was a strange car though in the drive way, I wondered whose it was as I pushed the front door open.
I heard familiar laughter as I walked further into the house suddenly I developed a peculiar feeling in the pit of my stomach.
When I entered the living room I found both my aunties, Uncle Steve and Sherister laughing loudly, when they noticed me they all stopped and cut me some filthy looks.
I got down on my knees and managed a weak smile, ‘Welcome Uncle Steve, how are you?’ I extended my hand to greet him.
He ignored my hand and remarked, ‘Is this how you dress now and what’s with that makeup?’
I didn’t know how to respond so I kept quiet.
‘You haven’t seen nothing at all my brother,’ Auntie Naomi said,
Auntie Jenny shook her head, ‘I wonder why mother didn’t give her up for adoption when Viola left.’
‘Maybe she thought Viola would come back.’
Uncle Steve clicked her tongue, ‘Viola had too much pride to involve herself with an ugly child.’
Hearing them speak like that really broke my heart.
I quietly stood up and turned to leave, ‘Zendaya,’ my uncle stopped me and beckoned me over.
‘So you want to walk out on us huh,’ he raised his voice
‘You haven’t seen nothing Steve, this girl is disrespectful,’ said Auntie Naomi
‘I will not tolerate this, get down on your knees and place your hands behind your head,’ he ordered narrowing his eyes.
I hesitated, why did they want to treat me like a criminal?
‘He said get down your knees,’ Auntie Jenny demanded forcefully
When Uncle Steve stood up, I instantly got down on my knees, that man surely scares me, he used to hit me a lot when I was a child, I know he wouldn’t hesitate to do so even now, his hatred for me can been seen burning through his eyes, I bet if it were up to him, I would be dead already.
Tears ran down my face when I hit my knees on the cold floor.
‘No one will fall for your fake tears, your mother used to fake tears too, it’s true what they say an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.’
‘You know why I am here?’ He asked
I nodded my head.
‘I have heard how you bully Naomi how you call her names because she is having issues with her marriage, I have also heard about how you are now keeping late nights and sleeping out.’
‘She has this new friend from her school, that girl is bad news I bet they are now sleeping with lecturers,’ Sherister said
My heart beat hard against my chest, ‘could Sherister have seen me with Elijah,’ I wondered
‘Sherister!’ I gasped in surprise, ‘You know that’s a lie.’
‘You dare call my daughter a liar,’ Auntie Naomi snapped
‘I stood up we both know she is lying, why are you always accusing me of being a whore when I am not the one pregnant?’
‘How dare you?’ Auntie Jane loudly yelled
‘Get back on your knees,’ my uncle yelled
‘No, I refuse to be bullied, I haven’t done anything wrong to any of you,’ I wiped my face
‘No I refuse to be bullied,’ Auntie Jenny imitated me
‘Don’t you dare talk to me like that,’ my uncle said, his eyes were burning with rage.
My phone chose that same exact minute to ring.
‘Aren’t you going to answer that?’ Uncle Steve responded
I remained silent.
‘It should be one of her boyfriends,’ Sherister said
My uncle forcefully retrieved my phone from the pocket he looked at it once before he threw it against the wall pieces of the phone shattered everywhere.
My heart shattered in pieces and I crumbled to the floor.
He kicked me, ‘This is what you get for calling my sister names, Viola left! you should have left too, did you have to stay behind to make like unbearable for everyone else.’
I couldn’t even respond, my heart was literary aching.
Everyone was yelling and calling me names when the door swung open and Koko walked in.
‘What the hell is going on here?’ she yelled
The all went mute.
She rushed to me and got down on her knees, ‘What have they done to you?’
I couldn’t talk I helplessly looked my phone as more tears fell from my eyes.
‘Steve, what did you do to her?’
‘Why would you gang up on a child like that?’ she angrily said
‘Mother she is not a child and because you shield her too much, you are spoiling her.’
‘I will not condone such in my house, you must all leave.’
‘This is our father’s house, we will stay for as long as we choose,’ Uncle Steve said.
Koko helped me up I stood up and held on to her as she escorted me to my room.
‘You lie down here, I need to talk to those children of mine, I will join you shortly,’ Koko said.
Diary entry –18*
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but I couldn’t, I kept turning and tossing.
I stood up a few minutes later and walked out of my room, I stood behind the living room door. I wanted to hear what my uncle was going to say to Koko.
‘Why did you come without informing me?’ Koko asked my uncle.
‘No hey, how are you my son, did you travel safely?’
‘Imagine, ’Auntie Jenny clicked her tongue
‘Shut up,’ Koko scolded my auntie
‘Some mother you are,’ said Uncle Steve, ‘Anyway how are you?’
‘I am not fine at all, I am not happy that you continue to torture this innocent girl.’
‘I haven’t been home in years and this is the welcome I get.’
‘Let’s not beat around the bush we both know this isn’t a social visit.’
‘Fine I will go straight to the point, I am not happy that you spend my money on this girl, I send you money for medication and you buy her a phone.’
‘And this is the reason you broke her phone.’
‘I broke it because she was being disrespectful, either way it’s my money so deal with it.’
‘Where did I go wrong with all of you?’
My uncle laughed, ‘Let’s not go this road again.’
‘I have heard how disrespectful she is, she hasn’t been giving Naomi and Sherister any peace in this house and you have been supporting her nonsense.’
‘I am the one taking care of Zendaya and I have never had problems so why should others complain?’
‘Naomi is issues with her husband, that’s why she is here, she has a lot on her plate the best you can do is be there for her mother.’
‘I have welcomed her into my house, what more do you want me to do.’
‘Put Zendaya in her place, don’t allow her to disrespect my sister, do you even know she called her names and almost slapped her.’
Koko laughed, ‘that is made up Zen would never slap anyone.’
‘You are defending her as usual.’
‘Anyway, we have talked about this and came to a conclusion,’ Auntie Jenny said
‘Zen must leave this house by the end of this year.’
‘Or else what?’ Koko asked
‘We will sell the house and share the money among ourselves.’
‘What?’ Koko gasped in disbelief
‘This is our father’s house ma, when Pa died we didn’t want to sell it because we knew you needed it and we could always come back here if things went sour but now my sister can’t even drink a glass of water peacefully because of your little brat,’ he said.
‘Steve, she is your sister’s child don’t you think she has rights to this house too?’ Koko asked
‘Viola had rights to this house but she lost those rights when she walked out on this family, that girl in there has no rights to this house, the sooner you get it the better.’
‘Why are you so bitter?’
‘Mother you know the answer to that,’ Auntie Jenny had responded.
‘Whatever the case is, Viola is not around let’s make peace stop hurting that poor child.’
‘I am going to be around for a few days I need to make sure this girl gets back in line.’
‘What do you mean get back in line?’
‘She needs to stop coming home late and sleeping out, this is how Viola started, see what happened in the end.’
‘So you are willing to discipline a girl who has done nothing wrong over someone who got pregnant out of wedlock?’
Auntie Naomi laughed, ‘you too! You are mocking my child, your grandchild.
‘Let’s call a spade a spade, this child needs discipline you can’t be going around trying to discipline other people’s children when yours has unresolved issues.’
‘Would you have been able to utter those words if Zen had been the pregnant one?’
‘Zen is not the issue here but sort out your issues Naomi, calling Steve and Jenny to come here was uncalled for, everything you are saying is total rubbish, you weren’t even there when your father and I built this house so don’t give me rules.’
‘Mother,’ Auntie Jenny began but Koko cut her short
‘When your father died I raised you all single handedly, I took you too school did all I could so you become who you are, how dare you even stand here and utter such nonsense.’
She stood up
‘Viola this, Viola that, it’s been twenty years, if you have scores to settle with Viola I advice you go out there and look for her stop punishing Zendaya for her mistakes, you have tortured this girl enough, do you even know what your words have done to her, this girl has low self esteem, this girl carries so much pain all because of you. Enough is enough.’
‘Twenty years later and you still support Viola, how ironic.’
‘Some days I wonder if I gave birth to you all, your hearts are nothing like all of you. Viola might have made mistakes but she was far better than all of you.’
‘You know what maybe I should just move out,’ Auntie Naomi said, ‘There is use for mother to start saying all this, she might end up cursing us in the end.’
‘You are not going anywhere, this is your house too and you will stay till you get your feet back on track, ’Uncle Steve told her then he looked at Sherister,
‘I need to have a meeting with the father of that baby he needs to set the record straight regarding his plans with you.’
‘Okay,’ she responded.
‘It’s been a long day I am off to bed,’ Koko said
I rushed back to my room and slipped under the covers, when Koko came, I pretended to be sleeping.
‘I am sorry my baby for not defending you enough, maybe it’s my fault they turned out like this, I must have gone wrong somewhere, they are supposed to protect you and not treat you like trash.’
She kissed me goodbye and walked out of my room.
When she left I opened my eyes, my heart ached and tears began to flow from my eyes.
If Viola hadn’t left, things would be different.
Why didn’t she abort me when she had the chance to, why give birth to a child she wouldn’t be emotionally available for,
That woman is the most selfish person I have ever heard of, she thought only of herself.
‘Lord it hurts please take this pain away.’