My Colorless Rainbow – episode 18
MY COLORLESS RAINBOW.
Anita brought her wedding card for me, she asked if I can be her chief brides’ maid but I have already given myself a good retirement both from catching flowers at my friend’s wedding and also from being among the brides maid.
My Dad almost changed my name to “a flower girl” because I go to other people’s wedding and return with a bouquet of flower. I was never lucky to be the one in a wedding gown.
Almost every of my friends are far ahead with their husbands or fiance. I’m left here with no particular man to call mine.
In three months’ time I will be completing 30years. Life has dealt drastically with me but not fully because no matter how hard it get, I still try to live every day at a time, I find reason to be alive. I don’t know how long living like this will go on but I don’t think I have any choice over whatever life throws at me.
We sat and talked and I brought up the case of Jojo and Richard, and asked her why she did not inform me even after she discovered about their secret relationship.
Anita said she confronted Jojo and they almost fought because of that which was the reason they stopped being friends. She did not want to tell me because I will be hurt and may not even believe her. But she knew someday I will find out because nothing can be hidden forever.
Richard and Jojo were not together anymore and even if they are married to each other it still doesn’t bother me, I have moved on.
I accepted to be at her wedding as a guest but I rejected her offer to be her chief bride’s maid.
Ohio came to the office within the week, somehow I was always happy to see him.
Melinda said she will be coming by Saturday and is two days to go, while waiting for that day to come I have to speak to Ohio.
I don’t know how it will go but I was determined to talk to him and probably apologies to him.
I was looking out for him until I saw him, he was with my boss again. it was very unfortunate because I couldn’t approach him.
He looked over at my side before walking out with my boss.
When I got home I decided to call him that night.
“Good evening Ohio!
I greeted calmly as he picked.
“Becca, how are you…?
“I’m good. You were at work today….i wanted to speak to you but couldn’t because you are with my boss.
“What about please? What do you want to speak to me about…?
“i…nothing serious. Just to say hello and to ask if you are mad at me? You told me that you are my friend but your cold attitude makes me uncomfortable.
There was silent at his end, he gasped into my ear calmly before saying.
“I’m still your friend Becca and I’m not mad at you. Maybe not totally. But I’m speaking to you now because we are friends and I see you as such. I don’t talk to everybody. I give you audience anytime you calls, if I was angry, I won’t answer or speak to you.
“My sincere apologies if I offended you in anyway Ohio. If you are truly my friend please stop being cold towards me. It makes me want to cry. I swallowed my shame and pride to do this because I couldn’t hold it all in again. I…I’m just sorry for everything Ohio. In any way I wronged you…please…forgive me. I was just confused and afraid, I did not understand why you rejected me that night. Maybe I’m not your type, not good for you…or maybe because you can’t cheat on your wo…. I’m sorry again. I’m beginning to sound like a broken record. I have to go now…
I quickly ended the call. I wiped off the tears on my eyes. I just don’t understand why I’m too emotional. I wish I have a little of Jojo’s kind of heart. Nothing hurts or moves her.
I messed up the whole phone talk again, all I planned to say was to tender an apology and nothing else but my emotions were ahead of me and I began to say things I didn’t plan to say before.
My phone rang. Ohio was calling me back.
I cleared my voice before answering.
“Becca, are you alright?
“Sure, I’m fine. I’m always running ahead of myself. Sorry about the way I ended the call but I’m alright.
“Okay. I can’t be mad at you and I hold no grudge against you. Becca, I’m sorry about my cold behavior but probably because you made it obvious that you don’t want me close. You are in a relationship and engaged…I respect that. I don’t want to be an intruder. Or causing problem between you and your man. You said he is a jealous guy and do not like seeing any other man close to you so I decided to keep my distance. I wish you the very best Becca and I want you to be happy….
There was a knock on my door, I ignored it. The conversation with Ohio was very important to me and I need to tell him that I’m not in any relationship. The knock came hard and film, even Ohio can hear it from his end.
He probably thinks is my supposed boyfriend that was at the door and quickly said good night to me even before I will have a chance to explain myself he ended the call.
I was angry at whoever that was knocking continuously, loud and none stop.
I went to the door and it was Jojo. I was very angry with her and did not let her in. I stepped outside and stood boiling angrily.
“Jojo, you are knocking like a crazy lady…did you want to bring down the whole house?
“Why are you panting like this Becca? I have been knocking slowly but you did not respond, I thought you were on top of a man and couldn’t hear me….hahahaha! You know such enjoyment can get to the brain and even make one deaf. Which was why I decided to double the knocking so that whatever holding you will let you go. Okay…sorry if I interrupted any fun moment. Leave the way let’s go inside.
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She try to walk pass me but I stepped in the way, blocking her from passing.
“Not today Jojo, go back to your house. I’m not in the mood for your useless rant over men tonight.
Jojo laughed out before saying.
“I hope your “honey” did not break up with you again like Richie did. Because you sound so angry and beaten. Sorry, I was only kidding….don’t take it personal. Anyway, talking about men….well, Silas is one hell of a man. I have already showed my interest to register in his gym class and also get his body massage. I need those strong hands of his on my waist, Becca, my waist is paining me and I will like to get a good massage from Silas. Maybe in his bedroom or anywhere private. He told me he likes you but you two are not an item…like dating and mating. Well, you cannot even handle such a man. You will pass out if he falls on you during bedtime fun. You need a simple man like yourself….i hope your “honey” got good actions. I do want to meet him someday…to see how cute he is and check out the kind of guy he maybe. You have eyes for cute guys…I also do. That’s why we are best friends forever…hahahaha!
I turned back and started going inside, she followed.
“I said go back to wherever you are coming from. I’m not in the mood for your entertainment. I want to be alone, don’t you get that??
“Okay…okay. I get it. Maybe I will come back another day when you are in a better mood. I can sense your man pissed you off today. Let me go and knock at Silas gate, I will tell him that I came for a gym night lessons. Special exercise meant only in bed and mostly enjoyed at night. We can gym all night to the following morning…it burns fat faster than any other type of exercise. Hahahahaha!
She winked at me, laugh out before walking away.
I went back inside and locked my door.
The following day, was a Friday I was in the office when I saw Ohio walking in with his mistress. The beautiful lady that usually comes to the office with him. She was really beautiful with good body shape and she dressed well just like Mr Ohio.
It was almost time for lunch, I wanted to wait to see him again before he leaves but seeing him with the beautiful lady was not encouraging. I went for lunch and was there when he came down with the same lady and ordered for only fruit salad with coleslaw. The lady asked for chips but it was not available. She ended up asking them for the exact thing Ohio ordered.
My stomach tightened up in jealousy, I wish I can also order for the same fruit salad and coleslaw just like Ohio but I had my food already which was simply a bow of plantain pottage with fish.
While picking at my food, Ohio came to sit opposite me. I looked up from the bowl to him and greeted shyly.
His food was served and the lady also came to sit beside Ohio, they were both making me uncomfortable. I managed to look up at him and he was eating his salad in silent, same with the lady.
I still wonder why he was eating here, his food is usually taking to him either in my boss private office or his own separate office which was close to my boss own. Sometime he only comes to take coffee and walk away. I don’t understand why he was sitting comfortably in front of me eating with ease.
“They are really trying here with their method of preparing meal, creating a time table for each day menu. Although this salad is not close to the one Lili once brought to the office for you and I had a share from it. I couldn’t tell you but it was well prepared and garnished. Have not tasted anything like it before.
The lady was not speaking to me, she was trying to create a conversation between her and Ohio. If Lili cooks so well and even brings food to his office which means Lili is his wife or wife to be.
Ohio nodded his head while taking a spoonful of the coleslaw. He later wipe his mouth with a serviette tissue and sad.
“Lili is a great cook, she knows how to make different dish and I have tasted almost all her new discovery because she won’t let me be until I do. Some I like while others I don’t want to try again.
The lady laugh. Ohio looked up at me, I pretend to be concentrating on my food. I wanted to get up and fly away from their presence but my legs may not be able to carry me with the way I was feeling uneasy by him and the beautiful lady’s presence.
The lady was done eating, she did not finish what she ordered. I guess she only took the food because of Ohio who seem to enjoy fruit salad and his coleslaw. She looked up at Ohio, who was picking at his diced fruit. She stood up and said.
“Maybe I will wait in the car for you sir.
“Cherry, please remember to get the document from the conference cabinet, Put them in the car and wait there. Once I’m done I will join you.
She nodded, looked over at me with a smile before walking away.
I wonder why she was smiling to me. I feel more at ease as she left, Ohio relaxed back and said to me.
“Becca, a friend of yours called and also appeared in my office for no good reason. Did you send her to me…maybe to replace you since you were already taken or should I say engaged?
“I never did, she got your complimentary card unexpectedly. I actually knew she will come troubling you in your office or with calls but I couldn’t stop her. I’m so sorry about that. Jojo can be crazy and she is not really my friend. Believe me, I did not send her to you…I have no reason to do such.
“Hmmm! I don’t understand but I will let it all slide. I have told my securities never to let her in and I blocked her line from reaching me. She may be pretty and all that but she is not my kind of woman…
The standard to meet his kind of woman maybe too high to attend which was why he doesn’t regard me or any other lady who showed interest in him.
“I know she is not your type…neither am I your type. I do understand and I will respect that. I’m sorry I lied about having a boyfriend or being engaged to one. I’m not…it was because of Jojo who has being crushing on you for long. She was actually at my place waiting for me that night and if you had drop me in the house she would have seen you. She can be troublesome and desperate. My ex was going out with her when we were still dating and at the end he broke up with me to be with her but Jojo got tired when Richard, my ex was already planning for their wedding. Jojo hates commitment and she later left him. I’m really sorry I lied, I just wanted to say or do anything that will make you leave. i had a difficult day that very day. Starting from the night you turned me down….i became angry not just with you but also with myself for allowing my emotions to mislead me. I wanted you that night but it was obvious you don’t like me which was why you turned me down….
He was about saying something but I interrupted. Since I have started I need to finish before I think over my word, I felt like voicing out my pain at that very moment. He probably want to say “Becca…I have a wife or I have a woman” but I don’t want to hear it. Let me say my mind and be free from this heart wreck I got myself into.
“Ohio, please allow me… I have not finish talking. Did you understand what heart break feels like? After I had the last one with Richard I thought I will die. I almost did because the pain was excruciating. I stayed away from men until I met you and later you offered to be my friend. Despite it was hard for me to trust you I still decided to give it a try. i see you beyond just friendship. I just fell deeper and deeper into you every day. But you are a man with class and I was not up to your level. You just decided to help me convince my parents because you probably felt pity for me. I was confused of what you really wanted, I couldn’t even say if you like me or not. You looked at me as if I mean the world to you but your heart belongs to another. Your attitude towards me changed after I lied that I was engaged. Like the first time you approached me and asked if we can go for a boat cruise but I lied too with being engaged. I’m sorry that I have been lying pretty well, I hate to lie but sometimes I’m just left with no choice. You won’t understand…nobody understands me. But everything I say here to you today is not a lie. Is the whole truth. I don’t want to lie to you anymore. Ohio, I have not being able to think straight or be myself because I love yo…….
I caught my breath from talking without thinking. He was looking at me strangely and the last statement changed his facial expression into shock but I got hold of myself.
“Becca, please finish up the sentence. Just say it…complete it, I want to hear you say the last word, don’t hold it back. You told me that I was like a boss or an ordinary friend to you and you have no affection for me. You said that to me at the resort beach and I can’t seem to forget. I want you to continue with what you were saying please, I have all the time and no one will rush you when you are with me….
I looked at the time, break and lunch time was over. I was even 30minutes late. I got up and started leaving even as my legs shakes. He looked at me as I walk past. He called me twice but I did not respond.
I went back to the office and straight to my hand bag. I complained of not feeling too well and need to leave. I was permitted to go.
I quickly ran off the building before he will see me. I took a cab to my house.
Maybe it will be better I resign from my work place and look for another job before I hurt myself because of Ohio. I kept embarrassing myself because of him. How can I even open up my feelings to him just like that. Why did I have to talk so much whenever I’m tensed or angry? Ohio will never regard me because I’m not his type. And mostly because he has a woman that he was committed to.
“aarrrgggghhhhh! I screamed to an empty house immediately I got home. I could have waited for Melinda to come before running my mouth again and ruining things. I should have wait till tomorrow when Melinda will come around but I couldn’t hold it all in anymore. He was sitting down there acting all cool and did not know what I have being passing through emotionally because of him.
No matter what I do, I just couldn’t get it off my mind that I humiliated myself again. I could have go jogging with Silas to see if I can feel better but I remained coiled up on my bed and thinking over my life.
Tears run down my face as I sob silently. I stayed that way until evening came and night settled. My phone rang but I did not even bother to check the caller. I just lie down on my bed crying over my bitter life. Nothing again to really live for. My whole life was like a colorless rainbow. No matter how hard I try to make it colorful it will remain colorless, dry, withered, empty, brokenness, shattered that is how I feel. Anita is getting married early next month, Melinda my sister will soon settle down. Even Jojo the tricky one could have being married if she wanted to. I was a good person deep within but very unlucky with life and love. My 30th birthday is by the corner. The years runs so fast without mercy but I can’t fight nature. I’m tired of even trying to…
There was a knock on the door, I refused to stand up. The knocking continued. Is either Jojo, Silas or anybody that remind me that I’m not good enough. My pillow was filled with my tears, my eyes red and swollen. I looked up at the time and it was 8:07pm. I feel relieved that tomorrow is Saturday, even If i can’t sleep tonight I will rest tomorrow. If Melinda comes I will tell her not to bother about Ohio. I’m letting him go. I just want to be free from this emotional trauma he put me through. “Why do loves have to hurt so badly?” why am I so unlucky with everything? I asked myself repeatedly.
The knock at the door continued, I heard a man calling out my name. Is probably Silas but the voice do not sound like him.
I stopped sobbing and listened again. Immediately I was certain who the voice belongs to, I quickly rushed to the bathroom, splashed water on my face to wash off my tears stricken face and my swollen eyes. I rushed to the door with the first towel that I was using to wipe water off my face.
He was already walking away when I opened the door.
He quickly turned and returned back to where I stood.
I put the towel on my head so that he won’t see my ashen swollen face.
“Becca…Can I come in?
He asked politely. Ohio had never entered my house before. He usually drop me outside my gate and always reject my offer whenever I ask him to come inside but today he was asking me if he can come in.
I nodded silently and moved out of the way. He went inside and I followed him behind.
He has changed from his office cloth and was in a denim top and a chinos brown trouser.
Immediately I closed the door behind us, I counted my step as I went to stand in the center of the living room with my head bowed, I avoided looking at him.
He walked up to me and lifted my face with his hand, he exclaimed sadly.
“Oh mine! Becca… Have you been crying?
I did not reply, I thought he was going to kiss me, I wanted him to kiss away the pain he caused me but he didn’t.
I quickly recovered from imagining and thinking ahead of myself again.
He gently drew me into his arms, his heart was beating so fast. While mine was racing with speed.
We stood in the center of my living room. But I was too sober to speak as I remained in his arm like a troubled child. He released me a little and was about to finally kiss me when there was another interrupting knock on the door. I wanted him to go ahead with the kiss but he straightened and moved to take his seat.
My hand was into a fist as I started moving to the door to check the unfortunate person that interrupted a good moment between me and Ohio. I hope is not Jojo coming to tell me about her night class with Silas? Could it be Silas or another person?
I quickly matched down to the door.
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