Opana - The Coffin Maker

Opana – the coffin maker episode 1

Opana: The Coffin Maker
Author : Akoto Alexander
This is an imagined fiction story which has names and characters in it, any resemblance of name or character has no personal attributes to you, forgive me for any dent or castigation this story might bring to your personality or name.
Now enjoy the story as it unfolds itself episode by episode.
Opana – Episode 1
Opana: Madam this is not what you told me when you wanted to rent my room in the first place, now you want to turn my house into an orphanage by adding some extra people to the 4 children you first came to the house with .
Eno Bruwa: Opana my landlord, I know but I can’t throw my intestines away and replace it with leaves, once I have rented this room I believe I have the authority to accommodate my children since they are not having anywhere to stay for now as they were living alone previously.
Opana: Oh please spare me that madam, if you go to a hotel it’s only 2 people who are allowed to share a room and even that not from the same gender or s€×. I gave you my tenancy agreement and regulations papers when you were about to move in and the fact that I didn’t add what you are doing now to the laws doesn’t mean that you can overcrowd yourself in my room. Don’t you know that overcrowding yourself in one small room breeds communicable diseases? You can’t convey all your hometown folks to my expensive house, for your information, the rent you paid expired 2months 3weeks ago and I was assuming you will come and see me to settle your bills. If I don’t hear from you by the end of the week…….
Eno Bruwa: But landlord it hasn’t gotten to this please, you are not thinking of evicting me in the first place are you?
Opana: See how wretched and pathetic you look, but let me tell you this, I am giving you a grace period of 7days to park out of the room and it starts this very moment, if the time elapses and you are still here I will pull you out of the room like how a snail is pulled out of its shell.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter: (scre-ms from the room to find out who was making noise infront of their room before she comes out) Mama who is making so much noise over there, doesn’t the person know it’s too early and that most of us haven’t woken up fully from our beds?
(she sees it’s the landlord)
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter: Oh it’s you Mr landlord, I hope all is well and you had a good sleep last night?
Opana: Hmmmmm, God please grant me maximum patience to endure certain things in this house of mine, you have mouth to talk, your mates are leaving in their husband’s house making babies and raising their families up, you are here and running your mouth like a commentator at the stadium.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter: Please Mr landlord, don’t go there at all, God is the giver of marriage and I won’t force myself into a marriage I will regret later, moreover your daughters are equally my age mates but none of them has also stepped into a man’s house as his wife. At least I have my classmates in your house also.
Opana: Oh shut up before I shut that gutter you call a mouth, how would you get a husband if you run your mouth like that? You see my daughters, am grooming them for rich men and white men, I won’t settle for any man who doesn’t own flint of cars, mansions and businesses across the globe. Never try to rock shoulders with my beautiful daughters, even the MP’s son made an approach to the little one but she refused because she wasn’t ready to settle for a common MP’s son when ministers and the president have unmarried sons. If you care to know those girls are my investing so when you see them, give and accord them with that respect because they can and will never be you mates in anything.
Eno Bruwa: Opana my landlord please it is okay and very early in the morning to be arguing with your daughter please forgive her, you know the youthful exuberance is running through her mind.
Opana: Did you say my daughter? Can she be my daughter……. No. Is she that beautiful to be called my daughter……. No. Will I exchange her for money……. Yes. Will I disown her if she was my daughter……. Yes. Can’t you see how pretty my daughters are, they don’t lack anything physically that a woman needs on her body and if they were not my biological daughters like I will even marry one of them.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter: You think your daughters are so beautiful and deserve higher families to marry into erh, go out and find out for yourself how the youngmen of the town are playing around in their restricted area. Mama please talk to this man, I don’t want to say anything that will make him refer to me as a disrespectful person, even the snake has it’s lover and the monkey isn’t fine but it’s mother likes him/her. This is the face God saw very appropriate to for me so He gave it to me, even looking at your face and how scary it is you even insult others.
Opana: Wait oh, are you referring to me as the one with the scary face and did you talk about my beautiful daughters? I don’t blame you, ugliness has now turned you into a gossip and remore monger, also don’t you know a man must be ugly and fearful and in most cases smell of alcohol? Why do you think I went in for a very beautiful wife? You don’t respect and that is the reason why I will eject you and your mother when it is raining.
Eno Bruwa: Please sir it hasn’t gotten to this, I beg of you to tamper justice with mercy, I am a poor widow who is trying to make ends meet, I have been a good tenant on this compound ever since I moved in here, please be merciful on me.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter: Mama why are you begging him, does he know the houses you and my late father built in the city and village? If not for the greediness of my uncles and aunts like were we going to move to a pigsty like this? A room that you have to stay awake when it’s raining that one too do we call it a room. If he wants to eject us he should refine our rent for us and give us sometime to pack out from his badluck room. Ah are you the only landlord in this world?
Eno Bruwa: Sylvia shut up!!! I say shut up!!! You talk too much, it’s because of this your loud mouth that you couldn’t stay with my friend in the city, if you care to know our rent has expired almost 3months now.
Opana: Be there and run your mouth like a fetish priest wife, I know what to do, I am leaving and when am back we will see who is who. Asualapa (takes leave)
Eno Bruwa: Hmmmmm leaving in this house is a hell, if I had my way like i will move out of this house and find a better place to move in with my family, it’s true that those who didn’t suffer to get are the ones who bluff to those who don’t have.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter: What do you mean by saying that those who don’t suffer to get are the ones who bluff to those who don’t have?
Eno Bruwa: My daughter I heard this house belonged to Opana’s late uncle and you know for Akans those days they practiced uncle’s inheritance (wofa ade3) and because of that he took possession of this house leaving his uncles children with nothing to depend upon.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter: Mama if I knew this thing like I will tell him my peace of mind on that, hasn’t he gotten any compassion for his fellow man? I doubt what he told his kind hearted and beautiful wife before she accepted to marry him. Some women are really suffering in life but for me if this is the only type of man on earth, like I will stay single all my life.
Opana: So what tenants do I have at all in my house, so annoying and full of themselves, always challenging me of the things I bring before them. If not for the fact that I was so broke, like I will eject everyone and bring new tenants to this house. But my late uncle did a good job oooo, see how am enjoying the fruit of his labour, for me I won’t leave anything for any nephew of mine to come and inherit or enjoy, I will live an irresponsible life till my death and if I die they can decide not to give me a befitting burial, after all the dead person doesn’t know he/she is unclad. Mmmm where from that sweet aroma? I believe this is coming from that Hausa woman at the corner and meanwhile she hasn’t paid her utility bills for this month, I need to pay her a visit and checkout on what she is doing.
(chases after the aroma and finally gets to the place)
Opana: Hmmmm am greeting you Hajia Kubra. Am here for my monthly utility bill since the month is almost over and I need to go and pay the bills before this government workers come and disconnect our light and pipe.
Hajia Kubra: My honourable landlord, I will pay you the bill, I am expecting money from my business partner who is in Saudi Arabia. Please give me a little time and I will pay you everything, you know I haven’t ever delayed in paying my bills in this house before.
Opana: That one is true, you are one of my best tenants in this house and I wish all the other tenants will emulate you so that this house will be very conducive and peaceful always but some are so disrespectful and very annoying that I want to eject them as soon as possible. All the same am smelling some sweet super-fabulous aroma coming from your corner, what could be that?
Hajia Kubra: Oh that is the stew am doing for the week, you know when I go to town I don’t return early and coming to cook all over is difficult but why don’t you don’t take a seat so I serve you with the food I have cook.
Opana: Ah you know the way to a man’s heart, my stomach is all yours Hajia, please do as you wish with it.
Hajia Kubra: Okay sir, give me a minute as I dish out the food for you.
(gets a plate and serves Opana)
Hajia Kubra: Please as you enjoy your food let me rush and take a quick shower, I know by the time I will return you will be through with your food so I clear the table.
(goes in,side and comes out wearing a long dress whiles Opana sets his eyes on her when walking to the bathroom with her buttocks shaking in her dress)
Opana: (talking to himself) Herh see the backside, as I keep monitoring her if I capture her finally I will grab her and hahahahaha only God knows what will happen to her. Hmmmm this body erh if I get paaa on my bed I will crucify her like Jesus was placed on the cross and take my time to enjoy her from top to down, with this one I will mix ginger with bitter leaves and drink before I face her. Such a beautiful and hærd-working woman like this without a man to warm your bed for the past 10years, hmmmm that place will be tight like a Kwahu man’s pocket and smooth as a new baby’s buttocks. I don’t know why she also doesn’t want to give me her mind as I have tried all my vibes on her and she seems not to be responding to it, herh if I was in my youthful days like I will just go and see my mallam for him to prepare a charm for me to use on her, the day I get her in the bed I will scatter everything in between her legs or does she see me as an old man or what? If it’s about performance she should go and ask my wife Akua Yankey what I do to her at night, I am the only man who has used 8inches nails to clump my bed in this house if not like my bed would be a whistling bed and if it had mouth to talk like it will surely complain of the vigorous work I have been doing on it or better still she can go and ask for confirmation from Kukua Nhyiraba who leaves down the street or Mercy the pure water seller with those heavy machinaries behind her back. Me too I am really a bad old man ooooo, what the young boys want is what I also want, well “better soup na money kill am” and so far as am alive I will match the young girls bumper to bumper and deal with them personally.
Hajia Kubra: (walks back from the bathroom) Ah Alhaji Opana you are not done with the food?
Opana: Eeeeiiiii Hajia did you just address me as Alhaji? Hmmmm if this is your food then I wonder how the natural food will taste like ooo?
Hajia Kubra: Ah please don’t let your wife hear this from your mouth or else she won’t like it and you know am in a very healthy relationsh¡p with her, I don’t want to destroy the very nice relationsh¡p I have with her, you know Christianity doesn’t allow a man to marry more than a wife.
Opana: Hajia paaa, see I haven’t legally married her ooo and mind you am not much of a Christian as you think and if you want I can even convert into a Muslim so that I marry you immediately, I have been watching you closely, ever since your husband died 10years ago I haven’t seen any man coming here to keep you company and make you feel like a real woman that you are. You can’t only unrinate and menstrate through it just like that.
Hajia Kubra: Its okay please, I told you am not interested the other time you brought this matter up so please let’s keep it like that.
Opana: Don’t mind my body and Gray hair oooo, I have a V8 engine in my system together with a twin turbo engine in me and that if you give me a chance to pay your golden palace a visit you wouldn’t even release me to go back home, if you like this evening come and eavesdrop on me behind my window and you will hear the tongues my wife speaks when I jump on top of her. I am a 25year old man within ooo, please consider my offer and you know what don’t pay for the utility bills again, if you agree to my offer you won’t pay for anything in this house again and I won’t let you lack anything in this world. I am Kofi Ansah a.k.a Opana the rough boy, the only professional coffin maker in and around the wh0le town, without me no dead body will be given a befitting burial. It will be a great honour for both of us my dear, just think about it and give me a positive response, I will take my leave now because I have some clients coming over to meet me at my shop, you will never regret giving me a chance in your life. Have a great day my one and only Hajia on this compound.
Hajia Kubra: I will think about it and thanks for not allowing me to pay this month’s utility bills.
Opana: (taking leave from Hajia’s place) So this woman accepted not to pay her utility bills but is making long in accepting my proposal erh? Hmmmm the way she is always wearing long dresses I am fantasizing on her fresh and smooth body and how it will be like, see her soft fat buttocks, I believe her thighs will be as smooth as a fresh baby’s buttocks and for her body if am asked to dismantle it and go to hell I will gladly do that and go and meet Satan in hell, but I doubt if he will be any friendly to me. Herh you kids what are you doing at the tap, move away before I crush your buckets on your heads, you when you get home tell your father to come and see me in the evening, hurry up and leave for school. Do I have to go back to my room again? No I haven’t left house keeping money and I don’t feel like giving them some today, let me rush to my shop before Akua Yankey s₱0ts me and starts scre-ming her head off.
Collins Twumasi: Landlord good morning.
Opana: What is good about this morning my friend? Your rent expired 2months ago and you have decided not to come and settle your bills, for your information I have decided to increase your rent with a 50% increment and am taking 2years rent straightforward.
Collins Twumasi: Oh but landlord you can’t just increase the rent like that without any prior notice to me and the 50% increment is also to much please reduce it a bit for you know now the economy is very tight and hærd.
Opana: My friend I was asking for your opinion in what I said since this place is not the parliament house where members of the house are given the opportunity to debate on matters that are brought up, secondly this place isn’t Kejetia or Makola market where we bargain on prices of commodities, you see my goats over there, they have sent me a message through their spokesperson that they want to occupy your room so they can produce more for me because recently human beings have been copying the styles of animals and they want to come out with a new style which they don’t want any man to see.
Collins Twumasi: Ah landlord so you mean you want to eject me and use my room as a pen for those animals?
Opana: I believe I didn’t speak Swahili to your hearing and for your information those animals are very important to more than any tenant in this house. They are part of my properties I have on earth, you see that black billy goat who is trying to mate that nanny over there, he has been impregnating all my nannies every single week and I need to give him a VIP treatment by giving your room to him, see you have stayed in the room for 2months without paying anything, you can decide to use the 1month left as a grace period to search for a new room somewhere but if you want to stay in this house then you will pay those months with my new rent charges. The ball is in your court and since you are not doing anything right now, I want you to go round and inform all the other tenants that I have a general meeting with all of them at exactly 7pm and anyone who fails to attend will face a huge penalty. Now you can take your leave from me Mr Twumasi.
How to grow your business while you stay at home
Collins Twumasi: Okay sir I will convey your message to the others but please be considerate on my rent increment.
I left the house to the shop and some few meters to my shop I hear some unusual noise in an uncompleted building which is close the roadside and as bad and curious that I am, I decide to take a look at what is happening in there and when I got  there my good people what I saw was enough to give me a heart attack………..
Can you guess what Opana stumbled upon?

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