Opana - The Coffin Maker

Opana – the coffin maker episode 2

Opana – Episode 2
© Akoto Alexander
Opana: I saw my third daughter with a guy in the uncompleted room making love, I scre-med at them and when my daughter saw me she started trembling like she has seen the ghost of Okomfo Anokye.
Opana: Bernice what are you doing here at this time of the day and who is this baboon you are hiding in here with?
Bernice: Erm…….. Ermmm…….. Ermmmmm…….
Opana: (shouting at Bernice) Since when did you become a stammerer my daughter, you better talk before I slap you for you teeth to come out from your mouth.
Guy: (sensing danger now, brings out a tape measure from his pocket) Oh sir am a fashion designer and am taking the measurement of your daughter so I sow a very nice dress for her.
Opana: (pulls his measuring tape out also and starts to measure the guy) Oh that’s thoughful of you and as you can see or you know by now that am also a carpenter and am measuring you, I am specialized in coffin maker and am taking your measurement for a very nice coffin I will do for your family for free.
Guy: (almost crying) But sir am not yet dead and neither am I dying any time soon.
Opana: Oh don’t worry youngman, I will do you the honour of taking your life from you and when you meet Lucifer on your way to hell leading the hell choir tell him to leave a space for me in the choir because I learnt it feels good singing in hell fire.
Bernice: Oh daddy he was only measuring me for a dress he wants to sow for me as he told you earlier on.
Opana: Oh shut that door you call a mouth before I clump it down with a 6inch nail, foolish spoilt brat, which time did you leave the house this morning because I don’t know the time you sneaked out of the house and for you youngman, if you have heard very well of Opana “the rough boy”, like you will be saying your last prayer to God. Now come closer and bring whatever is your pocket out, drop it infront of me Mr Fashion Designer, I never knew that now you fashion designers take measurements of your clients in uncompleted buildings and when doing so the clients end up mo-ning. What is your name and where do you come from?
Guy: My name……. name….. is Fred Yeboah and am the first child of Opanyin Kwadwo Yeboah and am from this town.
Opana: Do you mean Opanyin Kwadwo Yeboah, that womanizer who tried to have s€× with that widow in the bush and was chased by some boys who later went to hide in the public toilet where unfortunately for him, he was chased out by a swam of bees?
Fred Yeboah: Mmmm sir please it was not true that my father tried having s€× with that woman. It was……
Opana: Shut up you womanizer, now I see this bush and uncompleted building rom-nce runs in your genes, that is the area of your specialization. Today your works have come to a very successful end because I will kill and bury you here right now, look at the things you have in your pocket, a pack of c-ndom, chewing gum, sticks of cigarette, mobile phone, wallet and a white envelope.
Fred Yeboah: Sir please what you are seeing has a different interpretation because I don’t smoke neither am I a c-ndom fan, the chewing gum I will be sharing it for the children in my house and……..
Opana: (starts to collect the things infront of him and places it in his pocket) Don’t worry my boy, I love smoking very much and with the c-ndom I have a very crucial match to play with my wife and she said she is not safe so she requested for this very particular c-ndom, with the chewing gum I will chew it when am done smoking so that no one will smell the tobacco flavour from my mouth, for your wallet it looks original with the python leather that it was made of, I have seized it and what is in this white envelope.
Fred Yeboah: Please sir you don’t want to know the content in the envelope, please let me have it and God will richly bless you.
Opana: Herh are you that daft, so what did you tell my daughter before she sneaked out here to meet you. I just asked you what was in the envelope and you are telling me that I don’t want to know, well the envelope is in my hand so why do I even ask you what is in it.
Bernice: Oh papa please listen to what he is saying.
Opana: May thunder fire you, you cheap harlot, you couldn’t get the decency for him to even take you to his house or the guest house behind the cemetary. I wonder if my blood runs through your bloodstream at all? Ashawoo kobo kobo
(tries to open the envelope)
Fred Yeboah: Sir please don’t open it please!!!
Opana: (eyes opens wide seeing what is in the envelope) Herh Bernice go home right now before I pounce on you like a lion who hasn’t gotten any prey to feast on for days.
(Bernice runs from the uncompleted building before her father strikes/hits her)
Opana: Hahahahaha olalaaaaa!!! So you have this kind of money on you and you brought my daughter to this dilapidated place to f**k her huh? You know what, I have seized it and even if God comes here to plead for you I won’t accept his plea. How much would a room in a guest house cost and because you don’t respect or regard my daughter as somebody you bring her here for your one corner action, I never knew my Presbyterian God loved me like this. If I wasn’t led here by the spirit of those I have sold good coffins to like this thing will pass me by, all the same am taking this money as a compensation for anything you have been doing to my daughter since you got her.
Fred Yeboah: Sir I swear with my life, I haven’t touched her before, this is the first time she agreed to meet me and she even opted for us to meet here. I haven’t even seen her beads and p-nt yet.
Opana: You see your life? I taught you said you were taking her measurement for a dress you want to sow for her, I always tell my daughters that a liar has no memory, you see you are contradicting yourself now and if you don’t leave my face right this moment I will report you to the chief of this town that I caught you trying to rape my daughter who is not 18years old yet. You and your father have the same character and no wonder they say like father like son, “a crab never gives birth to a bird”, your father did his in the bush and you wanted to do yours in an uncompleted building.
Fred Yeboah: But sir she said she is 21years of age and that she is a big girl.
Opana: (cuts in sharply) Are you challenging me with my daughter’s age now?
Fred Yeboah: Please am not challenging you sir on what you said but am rather telling you what you daughter told me earlier on and please the money is not mine sir, I have been sent with it to deliver it to my family head so please sir temper justice with mercy.
Opana: So the money that you were sent with was what you used as a bait to lure my stupid daughter here so that you disV-rgin her right?
Fred Yeboah: Sir your daughter is not a V-rgin oh, she has already spoilt there already with about 17 guys and am the 18th guy.
Opana: (opens mouth widely and starts scre-ming) Whaaaaat? Are you mad? If you dont leave here right now I will kill you and nothing will happen after that, foolish boy.
(Fred Yeboah takes to heels and runs for his dear life)
Opana: (peeps if the guy has truly left and brings the money out from envelope) Where did I sleep today Kofi Ansah? 50cedis note bundle right in my hands. I will spoil myself today with this money in my hand and does it mean that what Eno Bruwa’s disrespectful daughter said to me earlier on is true? I will deal with this girls this evening
This Hajia of a woman I believe she will be full of luck oooo, just eating the food she prepared and look at the miracle that has happened then if she releases her entire body for me I believe I will be appointed as the president of Ghana Coffin Makers Association(GCMA). I will call Kukua Nhyiraba this afternoon to meet me at our hideout this afternoon, hmmmm but that girl is a s€× machine paaa ooo but she loves money too much, I must divide this money to 5parts and I must make sure she doesn’t get to know how much money I have on me or else I won’t even take 20cedis home. God of Presby I thank you so much but I need to be coaching my daughters so they know whom they give their bodies freely to because for me I hate poverty like how the cattle hates colour red. Those girls are my investment, I mean to say my cocoa plantation and I have to harvest all the fruits on them, I will send Akua Yankey some money to prepare katekonto soup (groundnut and cocoyam leaves) plus kokonte for me this evening with bush meat to match, let me rush to my shop now before my clients get there if they are already not there.
(Opana gets to his shop to meet a lot of noise and misconduct going on and he makes his presence felt)
Opana: (scre-ming) What nonsense is going on here you fools, is that how you dimwits behave in my absence? And who is sleeping in the Coffin that is due for collection this morning?
Apprentice 3: Good morning boss, it is senior apprentice who is lying in coffin.
Opana: Nonsense!!! Sleeping by this time of the day in my workshop? Wake him up and come along with him right this minute.
(Senior apprentice is called to Opana’s presences shortly looking all drunk)
Senior Apprentice: Master good morning and welcome to shop this morning.
Opana: (holds his nose and draws back) What is good about this morning you fool? See how you smell of alcohol early this morning, did you fall in the alcohol? You have been an apprentice for the past 7years instead of 4years and you still haven’t learnt anything. Instead of you to take matters into your hand and handle it with seriousness you go about drinking and living an irresponsible life by playing and fooling around, you have already impregnated 2 different ladies as you remain an apprentice in my shop, what the hell is wrong with you and don’t try shifting the blame on anyone or the devil, now tell me what your problem is?
Senior Apprentice: Hmmmm master there is a big problem oh, I don’t know how and where to start even?
Opana: My friend start talking and start from anywhere because I haven’t got all day to spend on you.
Senior Apprentice: Mmmm…….. Mmmmmmm…….. Mmmmmmmmm……..
Opana: (scre-ming out loud) My friend talk before I slap the stammering hell out of you, are you mad?
Senior Apprentice: Mmmm….. master I have impregnated another girl again?
Opana: Whaaaaaat? Another pregnancy again? Gracious Mary, mother of Jesus Christ!!! What at all is wrong with you and can’t you urinate at one place for it to foam. We haven’t finished solving the first 2 pregnancies and you have added a third one to it, what do you even tell this girls for them to open their legs for you?
Second Apprentice: Master he tells them that you are his uncle and that the shop belonged to his father but you are only taking care of the shop temporally, master he said very soon he will take the shop away from you and be the boss here.
Opana: Really?
Senior Apprentice: (alcohol content flushing out of his system hearing what his junior said) That’s a lie from the pit of hell, why do you want to ruin my life this way, are you trying to get back at me because I took the girl from your hand?
Second Apprentice: You know I didn’t really like that girl and she was not really my type of girl, you know I like slim girl and not those with big br-ast and buttocks.
Opana: Will you 2 fools keep quite at this very moment. You are standing infront of me and displaying this gross disrespect to the person who is teaching you how to make a living out of your miserable life. Now who is this girl in question?
Second Apprentice: Master it is the girl who sells gari and beans.
Opana: (whispers to himself, hope it’s not the girl I have been lusting for) Which gari and beans seller are you talking about here?
Second Apprentice: Master I mean the one who comes here every afternoon to sell to us.
Opana: Herh do you mean Ayigbe Gifty?
Second Apprentice: Yes sir she is the girl am talking about that my senior has broken her engine.
Opana: Hmmmm you fools have succeeded in taking a meat out of my mouth.
Senior Apprentice: I don’t understand you sir, please what do you mean?
How to grow your business while you stay at home
Opana: Move away from me you blockhead, I will deal with you 2 after we are done with the morning devotion. Now come around all of you as we commit the day’s activities into God’s hands.
The boys raised several worsh¡p songs before a word of prayer was said and you won’t believe the kind of prayer Opana said.
To be continued

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