Opana - The Coffin Maker

Opana the Coffin maker episode 3

Opana – Episode 3
 
© Akoto Alexander
 
(Prayer)
 
Father God you said the devil finds work for the idle hand so I have decided to make myself useful to God and my fellow mankind. Ghacem prays for people to build, Unilever prays for us to get dirty and our mouths to smell so we buy omo and pepsodent, the doctor prays for outbreak of diseases and sickness, the food seller prays for people to go hungry, the lawyer prays for people to get big problems, the police prays for drivers to do wrong things on the road so they take bribe, the fire service personnels pray for fire outbreak so that they can come and quench the fire to make themselves useful to society, the road contractor prays for the road to spoil, the vulganiser prays for people’s tyres to spoil or deflect so he repairs or pumps it for them, the public toilet owner prays for there to be diahorrea or running stomach so people patronize his toilet, the tailor prays for people dress to get torn so that he does alteration for them, the pastor even prays for people to get more spiritul attacks so he will sell different oils to them, the only person who wishes us well is the armed robber or the thief because he prays we get more money so that he can come and rob us but even this I pray they either kill their victims or better still get caught and beaten to death so that my products will be purchased. Father God, it’s not like I am greedy or I wish untimely death for my fellow mankind but man has to survive and also pray to support his/her job, this is the only profession I have and am making myself useful to God and the townsh¡p. I pray you give me customers who will not be so stingy that any amount I mention to them then they accept my price tag, I humbly pray that my rival who has decided to run a coffin promotion in the next 2 towns shop catches fire and burns to ashes, in my shop also any apprentice of mine that is trying to play smart or use my shop as a bait to lure any girl into his bed or room, hmmmmmm father God let that person never get er-ction, may anyone who double cross me stumble and fall right infront of me. God I don’t pray for misfortune or disaster to occur but as the Accra sports stadium incident happened I wasn’t having my own shop by then, father now that I own mine please let that thing happen in the town next to this town so that more coffins of mine will be bought, I know angel Gabriel is hovering around and is seeing the amount of coffins in my shop which hasn’t been bought yet, if anything is not done early I and my boys will go on a demonstration to register our displeasure to you God. It’s too early to channel much problems to you my God so I will call on you in a one on one prayer session later in the day, have a nice day God and don’t forget to put a smile on my face as you started it this morning with that foolish young guy. Amen.
 
All Apprentices: Amen
 
Opana: Now who was supposed to sweep this place this morning and didn’t do it on time?
 
13th Apprentice: Master please I was the one supposed to do it but when I got to the workshop this morning I was sent by my senior to go and buy soya beans (aboboi) and riped plantain in the next town and as you always tell us to obey our seniors before complain I had no option than to go, the moment I got back is when you also showed up.
 
Opana: Okay so which of the seniors sent you this early morning all the way to the next town just to buy this useless food?
 
13th Apprentice: Master please it is senior apprentice number 12.
 
Opana: Whaaaaaat? So the fact that you are 17years older than him didn’t scare him and isn’t he just a day away from you as an apprentice and that both of you will graduate the same day? Blackman loves post and power paa ooo, where is he?
 
12th Apprentice: Master please am here.
 
Opana: See his small and round face like a Chinese old man, you sent someone who is 17years older than you early this morning to go to the next town just to buy you food whiles you knew very well that the workshop had not been properly cleaned, in his absence you didn’t get the domestic wisdom to do his responsibility on his behalf for him. Now all of you listen to me, I brought that “obey before complain law here in this workshop and from hence forth I have revoked that law on all the apprentices here till further notice”, now where is the food that he went to buy for you?
 
12th Apprentice: Master please it is on the white coffin there.
 
Opana: Herh are you that stupid, are you not aware that the coffin is due for collection this morning and it was only sprayed yesterday? So what if the food spill on it and immediately the people show up? Ah so you people want to ruin my business right? Whoever sent you go and tell that person that you didn’t just fail but you failed woefully, you know what go and bring the food because I have seized it. Now go and get the broom and start sweeping this place before I channel my anger on you.
 
The 12th Apprentice brought the food and Opana took it went to sit in a corner of the workshop and started eating the food whiles he made the 12th apprentice to go home for the day as punishment and when coming to work the following day he should come with his parents. For the 2 senior apprentices they were given a coffin each to carry whiles kneeling down as a punish to the display they gave earlier on. About an hour later some people came to the workshop searching for Opana and when his attention was drawn he started smiling because he taught his clients were in.
 
Opana: Hello welcome to Opana and Sons Coffin Mall. How may I be of help to you people?
 
Elderly Man: Good morning sir, I believe you are the Opana people having been talking about everywhere in this town?
 
Opana: Oh yes I am the one and only Opana “the rough boy” in and around this town, any other Opana again you hear is a refabrication. Which type of coffin do you want and what is the size and height of the person who is dead?
 
Elderly Man: Talking about coffin we have already bought some from your colleauge in the next 2towns.
 
Opana: (cuts in rudely) So if you have bought your coffin already then what are you doing in my shop again, hope you didn’t come here to make fun of me because I won’t take it likely with you people at all?
 
Elderly Man: Why would we leave our home and walk to your shop to mock you? As a matter of fact we came on a very serious and different agenda.
 
Opana: Excuse me sir, apart from coffins that I make I don’t do any other business here in this shop, if it’s a room you want to rent in my house the best place to discuss that issue is my house and not this place, so if you came in respect of that please go and come to my house in the evening.
 
Elderly Man: Hahahaha we don’t equally need a room to rent, the reason why I and my family members are here this morning is because my nephew said the money he went to collect from my son to aid us give my sister a befitting burial was taken away from him by you. So we are here to retrieve the money.
 
Opana: Who are you referring to as your nephew? Is it the youngman with the broad chest standing behind the woman?
 
Elderly Man: Yes that is the person am talking about.
 
Opana: Youngman have we met before?
 
___
 
 
Opana: Youngman have we met before?
 
Fred Yeboah: Yes we just met this morning and you took everything I had on me.
 
Opana: Me? Where and how did I do such thing to you?
 
Fred Yeboah: Mmmm……. Mmmmmmm……. Mmmmmmmmmm…….
 
Opana: Sir is your nephew a stammerer because I can’t make head and tail of his Mmmm……. Mmmm, I don’t have all day at my disposal.
 
Elderly Man: Kwame Fred can’t you talk now? Repeat what you came to tell me back in the house so that I know what step to take next.
 
Opana: You heard your uncle Mr Man so kindly tell everyone how and where we met as you informed your uncle.
 
Fred Yeboah: Mmmmm I met this man this morning at the uncompleted building some few metres away from this place.
 
 
Opana: (cuts in quickly) Are you the owner of that hugh ediface?
 
Fred Yeboah: No,I am not the owner of the building.
 
Opana: Am equally not a mason neither am I a foreman so what were both of us doing there youngman?
 
Elderly Man: Kwame Fred answer him and go straight to the point because time is not my friend here.
 
Fred Yeboah: Uncle this man took the money and everything on me because he said I was having an affair with his daughter.
 
Opana: Did you say I accused you wrongly for having an affair with my daughter? As big as you are and as old and rigid that I am, I took everything you had on you? This sounds like music with the singer forgetting his lyrics.
 
Fred Yeboah: Not really as you are saying it.
 
Opana: Well let me help everyone here out, old man you see I caught your man ape nephew trying to force and have s€× with my 17years old daughter when I was on my way coming to work this morning.
 
Elderly Man: Whaaaat? Kwame Fred is what this man saying true?
 
Fred Yeboah: Mmmm uncle that is not really true, I wasn’t forcing to have s€× with his daughter as he is saying and she also told me she is 21years of age.
 
Opana: Hehehe, so now this ape is calling me a liar after he tried to rape me underage daughter in an uncompleted building. Didn’t you say you are a fashion designer and you were taking my daughter’s measurement so you sow a dress for her? You are very lucky I didn’t involve the police in this matter. If you people don’t leave this place right this moment I will make my boys deal with you mercilessly, you think you can use your big size to intimidate people huh? You are dealing with Opana the “rough boy” so if you don’t have any business transactions to transact here then I would advice you hit the road right now.
 
Elderly Man: Kwame Fred have you seen the embarrassment you have heaped on my head? If you don’t find ways and means to get this money to the house by sunset I will deal with you in a way that you will never forget in your miserable world. Eno Sakyiwa and Wofa Ani let us go back to the house and leave this fool to settle his issues with the man and I need not remind you that if you don’t return with the money in your possession then I would advice you stay outside the house.
 
Opana: May you all have a nice day in all your endeavours.
 
The elderly man and his family members left the workshop to their house after an unsuccessful attempt to retrieve the money meant for their wards funeral. Opana on the other hand sits in a corner of his shop and plans on how to spend the money he used a dubious way to get, he takes a pen and paper to allocate the funds and expenditure that would take place soon, in no time the customers he was expecting came in and he welcomed them to transact business with them.
 
Opana: Ah at long last you are in after the long wait, welcome to my adorable shop filled with well crafted masterpiece of coffins.
 
Customer 1: Thank you very much Mr……
 
Opana: You can call me Opana, yes am the only Opana in and around this town and anyone who you hear using that name is an imposter pretending to be me.
 
Customer 2: I like your great sense of humour Master Opana, please we need a very nice coffin with a nice finishing but with a moderate price.
 
Opana: Ah when you think of a coffin then Opana should be the next thing to come to your mind, I have done uncountable numbers of coffin for my clients and even some were customised. You see the style and type of wood I use will determine the charge you will receive from me. The one I did for the headmaster in the next town was pen and I used odum, the senior pastor of the Methodist church in this town got a bible design with sapele, that armed robber got a gun design with mahogany and the notorious pr-stitute of this town also got the design of the thing with wawa.
 
Customer 2: Hahahahahaha what do you mean by the thing? If I stay here with you for an hour I believe my ribs will lock with laughter.
 
Opana: Oh really then you need to find time one of this days and pay me a visit here in my shop, I believe you will have an awesome time here. All the same let us do business because time has far been spent.
 
Customer 1: Okay I think we would go in for the brown coffin at the far corner of your shop.
 
Opana: (thinking fast) Hmmmm that one is a special made coffin which is due for collection any time soon, the owners have paid fully for it but have only delayed to come and pick it up.
 
Customer 2: Oh so bad so can’t you do anything about it for us because we like the design and the finishing of it. We can give you more than what you charged the people who ordered for it you know.
 
Opana: (happy in the head) You people want to destory my reputation oh, I have already phoned the people to come for their coffin and I won’t be surprised if the people show up any moment from now and moreover their funeral is this weekend.
 
Customer 2: But sir you can make a new one for them before the weekend right?
 
Opana: See the wood I used in doing it was specifically imported from Ivory Coast and it will take weeks for it to get here before I can start to work on it. It is an expensive design which will cost you much money so why don’t you go in for another design and if
 
I sell this coffin to you it means that I have breached the agreement I took with those people, it’s the first time am doing business with them and I don’t want to betray them. They travelled from a very long distance to come here and do business with me on high recommendation.
 
Customer 1: (cuts in) So boss if we decide to pay you 3times the price they gave you will you reject our offer.
 
Opana: (smiling in his head, it seems today is my lucky day and my plan is going on smoothly) You guys are trying to destory my reputation oh but giving me 3times the amount I took from the people is not enough to tarnish my image and moreover there are people here who are rumour mongers who will do anything to spread bad news about me even when it’s not true.
 
Customer 2: (consulting the person he came with) What is the amount the people paid you for that coffin because that is the exact coffin I want us to take home today. Name your price!!!
 
Opana: (smiles in his head, today be today) Hmmmm it’s expensive oooo!!!!
 
Customer 2: Name your price tag please.
 
Opana: The people gave me three thousand cedis (3000) for it an promised to add more money to it if I give them a great finishing.
 
Customer 2: So if we decide to give you ten thousand cedis (10000) for the coffin would you take it or leave?
 
Opana: Hmmmmm you guys are trying to put me in the s₱0tlight and that is not fair ooo. Am not that corrupt oooo, why don’t you choose another coffin here because everything you see here is a master piece of my handy work.
 
Customer 1: Boss are you taking the amount we quoted for you or not?
 
Opana: Is the money here now?
 
Customer 2: Actually we didn’t budget for this huge amount but because we love your work we are willing to take the coffin.
 
Opana: That is good to hear.
 
Customer 2: Sir we have half of the amount here and if you don’t mind, we will issue a cheque for you to cash at the bank if you don’t mind.
 
Opana: My brother I mind paa, I stopped taking cheques about 4years ago when some innocent looking people came to deceive me and gave me a bounced cheque, they took one of my best coffins I have ever made away, so from that moment I advices myself. Please is either you pay cash or you go back without the coffin.
 
Customer 1: Oh so bad and unfortunate for you but sir we are genuine people from a respectable background and we don’t intend to dupe or decieve you.
 
Opana: Director you see a fool is considered wise after changing his walking that made him fall and ones beaten twice shy, I have decided to sell to you the coffin so you can go and redraw the money yourself and come back with it.
 
How to grow your business while you stay at home
Meanwhile there is a meeting going on somewhere and the details of the meeting is deadly.
 
Can you guess which people are doing the meeting and the issue that is been discussed.
 
To be continued

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