Opana - The Coffin Maker

Opana the coffin maker episode 8

Opana – Episode 8
 
© Akoto Alexander
 
Michael Ansah leaves the room of Agnes Kyerewaa feeling very troubled because all his life he has never been infected with any s€×ually transmitted disease before and from the way Agnes spoke the medicine he was going to use in treating this kind of infection is very expensive and even if he tries to go to the town hospital the doctor there is the current reverend minister of his church. How was he going to explain to the pastor how he contracted that very infectious disease when he is not married yet because the disease can only be transfered through unprotected s€× and that has been the area the pastor has been hammering upon for the past 7months in church. He entered the house and saw his mum sitted in the living room watching tv but he walked pass her without even greeting her, something which was unusual of him.
 
Akua Yankey: Kwaku Mike didn’t you see me sitted here for you to greet me or now am too small for you to see me and accord me some respect?
 
Michael Ansah: Am sorry mummy, am just worried with somethings going on in my head and life.
 
Akua Yankey: You know am your mum and I always have a listening ear for you my son, do you want to talk about it?
 
Michael Ansah: (I can’t just open up to her, I was cautioned about this lady just yesternite and I run into her arms the following day, the sweet thing will indeed kill the fool) I will be okay mummy, you know when am quite for a while I take brilliant decisions so don’t worry your head about me, your little boy of yesterday is now a full grown man my sweet mother.
 
Akua Yankey: Okay oooo if you say so I will let you be but please get yourself a pleasing face because now your face looks like someone who has seen a ghost.
 
Michael Ansah: I have heard you mummy but please can you borrow me like five hundred cedis (500)?
 
Akua Yankey: Hey where do you expect me to get that kind of money from? You know the money your father gives me is a hand to mouth money. He promised to give me money to start my business again since the last one he gave me, you helped me in squandering it. But if I may ask what do you need that money for?
 
Michael Ansah: Its kind of personal mummy.
 
Akua Yankey: Hey with this face you are having I hope you have not impregnated any girl and you want money for abortion huh?
 
Michael Ansah: Ah mummy give me a break, the fact that I requested for money to do something undisclosed doesn’t mean that I have impregnated someone. The money I need is for a personal thing that requires immediate attention and if any delay creeps in, hmmmm it will bring problem oooo
 
Akua Yankey: I will give you a clutch rather, if you are not ready to open up to me then please yourself. After all I can’t go and guarantee a loan for you which I don’t know the purpose of collecting the money.
 
Opana’s Shop:
 
2nd Customer: Its good you are in on time, we were running out of patience as we need to be somewhere else.
 
Opana: Oh forgive me my noble customers, I had to go and meet the family head who you are taking their ward’s coffin. He was reluctant to give in to the idea I brought up but after series of dialogue and matured talks he agreed to my plea. So it is all yours and I believe you came along with the full amount we agreed upon?
 
1st Customer: It is very intact my boss, please here you are. You can count it for confirmation.
 
Opana: (smiling and ordering his boys to wrap the coffin up) Oh no need to do that because I now trust you guys and am happy doing business with you.
 
2nd Customer: Please can you now write a VAT receipt for us as we have to put the receipt on records because we will be rendering accounts to the family after the funeral.
 
Opana: VAT receipt in this town? My brother no one in this town does business with any tax invoice or receipt. What at all does the government do with the taxes we pay? Isn’t it buying big cars and wasting it on unnecessary things, my receipt is even finished so let me just write and sign on a piece of paper for you. If your family head doesn’t understand he can call my number on the paper I will give to you for any clarification.
 
2nd Customer: This is preposterous and highly unprofessional sir. We came from a very long place and a very respected family, we have a lot of book law people in the family so it will be appropriate to get us the receipt.
 
Opana: Mmmm okay I will let my printer print some for me as soon as possible and send one of my boys to deliver it to you before the week ends, hope you are okay with that?
 
1st Customer: That sounds good, please do you have a car that can help us convey the coffin to our destination?
 
Opana: I have a truck driver who does that for my clients who didn’t come with a car to convey their coffin so I will call him so he comes around. You can then transact your business with him and come to a compromise.
 
Opana calls the truck driver and in no time he shows up and they agree on a fee, two of the apprentices were asked to go with them to help convey the coffin.
 
Opana: Thanks for doing business with me and please try and convince your kinsmen to be dying ramp-ntly so that my business can flourish.
 
 
2nd Customer: Excuse me sir, please what did you say?
 
Opana: Oh never mind it was just one of my silly jokes.
 
1st Customer: It better be and please we will be expecting the receipt from you. It was nice doing business with you.
 
Opana: It is a pleasure but don’t forget that if you think of coffin, Opana must be the next thing to come to your mind. Now you and you join my customers as they convey the coffin you just wrapped to their destination. You can take the rest of the day off.
 
Apprentices: (chorus voice) Thank you master Opana.
 
Opana: Now you come here, you see this money in my hand, it will take you years or possibly it might not even happen for you to raise this money, go to the bank and deposit it into my account and cash this cheque also in addition and deposit it in the company account.
 
7th Apprentice: Master am confused with the things you are telling me.
 
Opana: Oh my God!!!! Illiteracy is a disease, now hold your ear and let me break it down for you. Pay the physical cash am giving to you into my personal account and the money from the cheque into that of the company account. Do you now understand?
 
 
7th Apprentice: It is very clear now sir.
 
Opana: Am expecting a bank alert the moment you make the deposit and let me warn you that even if a cedi reduces from this money erh, hmmmm only God knows what I will do to you and I believe you know very well that I am a baaaaaaad man?
 
7th Apprentice: I know very well boss.
 
Opana: Good!!! Now today am in a good mood so I will give everyone of you here fifty cedis (50) as a motivation allowance.
 
All Apprentices: (applauding and singing praises to their boss) Master the master, master like no other, master the master of all masters, the one touch man, Opana “the rough boy” you do all.
 
Opana: See how you are making noise as you heard of money, well I also feel like closing you people early today so you guys can go home and rest but anyone who comes to work late tomorrow will see the other side of me. Now senior apprentice come for the money and share it for them.
 
Opana leaves the shop and heads straight to his mistress house. He had plans to give her the phone he seized from his daughter and also add extra money to the one he gave her the previous day. As he gets to the place he sees the door locked but loud music is been played in the room, he knocks on the door severally but no reply so he decided to call her line and he hears the phone ringing in,side the room which convinces him that Kukua Nhyiraba is in,side the room so he intensifies his knocking on the door and after a while she opens the door drenched in sweat.
 
Opana: Why are you sweating so much like that my dear, isn’t the fan working?
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: It is working but I took some medicine and doing some aerobic exercise in,side the room, that is why am sweating like that.
 
Opana: Okay but let me come in,side erh, why are you blocking the way to your room?
 
____
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Mmmm the room is very hot this afternoon so why don’t we sit outside here under the tree and enjoy the cool breeze.
 
Opana: Since when did you start to host me outside your room, even when the electrician hadn’t fixed the meter for you to get electricity in your room we sat together in the room so why the change of plans now? Well I came to spend quality time with you so I am going in,side to wait for you, when you enjoy enough breeze under the tree you can join me in,side there.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Hmmmm but you always call me when coming so why this sudden popping up here today?
 
Opana: I told you I wanted to spend quality time with you and also surprise you, is it a crime to come here unannounced? Am I not the one who pays the bills here?
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: If you say so I have heard you, come in,side then. I could have prepared something for you before you got here if you called me.
 
Opana: Am not hungry this afternoon but why is your room scattered this way? Look at how your bed and hair is messed up? Is everything alright with you Kuukua because everything you are doing looks strange to me this afternoon.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Everything is fine with me my love. Don’t worry we will spend quality time together my dear.
 
Opana: I love what me ears just heard, I know this place is where to be called home sweet home. I brought you a very sophisticated phone and am going to give you an additional money to the one I gave you yesterday.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Wooow, you don’t know what I am about to do to you this afternoon. Let me take a quick shower, I will be right back.
 
Opana: Hahahahahaha you know I fear nothing at all in this world. Don’t keep me waiting for long.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Okay darling, I will be back even before you think of it.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba leaves the room to shower and Opana rest on the bed to wait for her. In her absence Opana feels discomfort in his stomach and he starts to release powerful bombs since he felt he was all alone in the room, he holds his nose and blows air to his face to clear the bad odour that came after he dropped those bombs, eeeeiiii the way my stomach smells am scared ooo, hope my intestines are not rotten in,side my body because this bad scent can cure madness and make a deaf person start talking but what noise did I hear like am not alone in this room? A while later Kuukua Nhyiraba joins him in the room looking all fresh and s€×y. She drops her cloth infront of Opana and he nearly runs mad with the uncladness of his mistress.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Baby boy so what did you say you have for me?
 
Opana: Women and how they display their powers, always using your body to get what you want. Well I decided to add extra one thousand cedis(1000) to the amount I gave you yesterday and since you said you wanted a phone to whatsapp and something something, I got you this phone, Samsung Note 8.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Wooooooow you are such a darling and I bless the day I set eyes on you. You are the best my dear, now come here let me give you a hot afternoon treat, I have a special s€× styles for you that will blow your mind and render you paralyzed today.
 
Opana and his mistress engaged themselves in some rounds of quality, powerful, mindblowing s€× and after that they all lie down in bed and Opana starts to crack jokes to the amusement of his mistress, he starts with a youngman who goes to the city and smokes high grade marijuana and later comes home to dance to the tune of a generator sound of his next door neighbour all night long and as if that was not enough, early the next morning he mixed detergent in a bucket, picks a mob and goes to the street and starts mobbing the street. Kuukua laughed uncontrollably that tears started dropping from her eyes but what almost killed her was the joke of a guy who chased after a very tall and well built thief on the street, everyone stopped chasing after this thief but this young guy was still chasing the thief all because he wanted to impress a lady. The thief turned and realised that it was only this smallish guy who was chasing him, he turned and with a big voice scre-med herh so you are the strongman who wants to apprehend me huh? I will break you bones today, the young guy now pretended that he was a madman and told the thief that he is madman who is going his way and walk passed the thief faking as a lunatic. From nowhere Opana hears a loud laughter that makes him jump on his feet. He bends down and sees a jeans trouser and boxer shorts lying at the corner of the room, he reaches for his phone and puts the touch light on, to his amazement he saw someone hiding under the bed. He instructed the person to come out and to his greatest surprise when the person came out it was no one but Kwame Fred.
 
Opana: Herh what are you doing here Kwame Fred? Kuukua so all this while that you have been acting weird it was because you were harbouring this fool in the room that I pay rent on, is he the reason why you always complain that you are broke? So you have been robbing Peter to pay Paul right? Youngman it seems am the one who will send you to your early grave.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Darling please forgive me, I knew this guy long before you met me and I didn’t want to turn your proposal down because you were all over me and you promised to take very good care of me. Honestly I didn’t feel anything for you but as we started this relationsh¡p, I have grown so fond of you that there is no single minute that passes by without me thinking about you.
 
Opana: Spare me that expensive lie, do I look like a fool to you? So all the sweat that I came to meet on you was not from any medicine you took nor any aerobic exercise but rather from the work this fool was engaging you in, I should have known this long time ago. And you Kwame Fred so you have been sharing my mistress with me all this while and that wasn’t enough for you that you wanted to add my daughter to it erh? You again wanted me dead which I didn’t understand but I have gotten a clearer picture now. You know with just a call my boys will just come after you but because of the fear of God I will let you live on this earth, what you and Kuukua Nhyiraba have gotten from me is enough but you won’t get me again.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: (on her knees begging for mercy) Please my love don’t say that and please give me another chance to prove to you that I really love you, I only felt pity for Kwame Fred yesternite when he came to knock at my door with blood stains all over his body, but I don’t know where he got the strenght he was using to bang me. I gave in to his demands because I didn’t want him to feel any more pain than he was already feeling. Believe me I have broken up with him several months ago and yesterday was the first time I saw him after I broke up with him.
 
Opana: My friend shut up because I don’t care if what you feel for him is pity, compassion, lust or love. If I had married you this would be the same thing you will do, today I call a spade a spade and not a big spoon. Don’t ever call my line again, don’t send me message again and infact anything that tied us together has been broken. In other words it’s over between us for good, am going to my wife to spend the rest of my life with her.
 
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Kwame Fred you see what you have caused for me you bad luck guy. Leave my room this very moment. You have destroyed everything I worked for over this months with your selfish ambition and I regret opening my door for you last night.
 
Kwame Fred: Please sir forgive her, I took advantage over her as I knew her weakness, if I knew she was engaged to you or shared any bond with you like I won’t ever bother to come close to her, she tried to stop me when I started but I didn’t listen to her.
 
Opana: If you don’t shut your mouth erh, I will descend on you like a thunderstorm, today which profession are you practicing because last time you were a fashion designer and today you are an under the bed so you are a bed engineer erh? Kuukua I have spoken and won’t go against my words, give me the phone I gave to you and for the money you can keep it and use it as a breaking up benefit or betterstill an exgratia. Enjoy your young life and continue with your fun having am out of here.
 
How to grow your business while you stay at home
Opana walks out of the room with pain taking hostage over his body and emotion, going to the house now was only going to compound his pain and anger so he diverted his attention to the palmwine joint to drink his sorrows away as most cowards do. We know that drinking our heads off will never solve the problem we are faced with but we will always hire the services of alcohol. Opana got to the joint and started ordering bottles upon bottles, he drunk the palmwine in a way he hasn’t done before ever since he started taking in alcohol, he paid his friend as he told him he was closing for the day and even took extra 2bottles with him as he left the palmwine joint. Do you know that every drunkard no matter how drunk he or she is, knows the way to his house? Don’t ever be deceived by a drunkard that any negative thing he or she did, the alcohol controlled him or her because they never drink their brains off. He managed to get home safely after the break and start falling, he entered his room and the wife who was in the living room was so surprised to see his husband in that compromising state because for over the 30years that they have been together she had never seen her husband this way before. She took the bottles of palmwine and placed them in the fridge and served her husband his food but Opana couldn’t even locate his mouth so his wife helped feed him and then took him in,side their bedroom to bathe him, she placed him on the bed and he immediately fell asleep. She decided to put her husband’s dress in the laundry basket and that was when the unexpected happened.
 
What could be that unexpected something here? Can you guess what happened, let’s get intEr×¢tive on all platform that are reading this story
 
To be continued

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