Tales of two funny Ritualist episode 10
Me and Flex entered inside our new house.
Me: that girl is really friendly o.
Flex: yes she is.
Me: but me self won come f–k up.
Flex: no be say you self won come f–k up. You don already f–k up.
Me: how, you know see say she don
already forgive me.
Flex: yes o, you are right. She don already forgive you.
Me: so na how he go be?
Flex: I no understand you again o.
Me: about the girl jummybabe. He be like say I like her o.
Flex: you dey craze, thunder fire you.
Me: na w€tin I do again na.
Flex: you dey stupid for asking that question.
Me: see, you better stop to dey insult me before I tear you slap o.
Flex: try am if you fit. Girl wey go be my girlfriend na im you won go chike?
Me: girlfriend? How?
Flex: you no know say na her I book as my girlfriend?
Me: hahahahaha. You don book girl wey never agree to date you.
Flex: ah, na now I know say you no get eye.
Me: why you say so?
Flex: you know see say she don already fall in love with me?
Me: tarh, make I shi.t egg.
Flex: and u go shi.t the egg.
Me: na me she like no be you.
Flex: you wey dey fear her. Lol, abeg go sitdown for one place jare.
Me: ok, make we bet first to get her.
Flex: no problem, make we do.
we were in a meeting, tenants and landlord meeting.
Oga val: my tenants, I greet una o.
All tenants: landlord we dey hail oo.
Oga Val: una know the reason why I call this meeting?
Tenants: no sir, please tell us abeg.
Oga Val: we don get new tenants for here, so we can go kindly introduce ourselves to them while them too go introduce themselves to us.
Me: My name na Idris.
Flex: my name na Donflex but you can call me Flex.
Oga Val: na me be the landlord val.
Man 1: welcome my name na froshberry.
Man 2: welcome I be Konami.
Man 3: una welcome I be frankay
Man 4: welcome I be Talent scout.
Me and Donflex: Hahhahahahah, how manage your talent dey scout?
All: hahahaha, nonsense guys.
Talent scout: ee be like say una too like trouble well well.
Me: shut up, you no know w€tin you dey talk abeg.
/> Talent scout: make me I shut up?
Me: no, make your mama shut up. You just get luck say I sit down here with my church mind or else, I for don dash dash you heavy heavy slaps since.
Talent scout: meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!
Oga val: ee don doo. Na w€tin I know like be that o. I know like fight for my compound and anybody wey break the rules go pay fine, una hear me.
All: yes sir we don hear.
Oga val: oya ladies,, introduce una self.
One fine young lady stand up.
/> Lady: my name na victorious child.
I look Donflex and Donflex look me, we start to laugh like mad men. Na which kind house be this self?
First the name of the compound na HOUSE OF POOLVALLERS, second the name of landlord na Oga val, third the tenants dey bear names like say world won end.
From froshberry (berry wey dey frosh) to Frankay ( e dey a little bit manageable but your mama no put Kay when she dey dedicate you) to Konami (the name of gameboy, pes 1, 2 or 3) to Talent scout (na he own name break record, talent wey dey scout)
we think say the women go come up with nice nice names but to my greatest surprise, one big, very big fine lady say her name na victorious child, I just dey wonder when dey born her newly. Maybe from the womb she dey answer victorious pikin, now she don grow to adult stage na Victorious child, when she marry na victorious teenager, dey when she don old like ninety nine years ee go be victorious adult. But the lady just fine well well, na her name just dey somehow abeg..
Victorious child: na my name una dey laugh.
Me: no o, we dey craze?
Donflex: na my own name we dey laugh, my age-wife/">village name.
Victorious child: better.
She said and sat down. The next girl, oh My god, the next beautiful girl sitting besides her stood up, oh men she fine die!
Girl: call me denncygirl.
Me: ** I talk am, you no see angel to bear, Tracy or Sandra to bear. Na dancing girl you go bear**
I said in my mind.
Donflex: ** you get luck say
you too fine if not i for call you makossa girl not dancing girl**
he said in his mind. Since the girl too fine, we no fit insult her so she sit down. The last name we heard was very better, her name is soma but I still dey wonder…… make I shut up first.
After the introduction, we payed our house rent and went separate ways. Welcome to house of poolvallers. Welcome to the house of magnificent names!!!
we entered inside our room confused.
Me: Donflex I don confuse o.
Donflex: I swear me too don confuse.
Me: w€tin confuse you?
Donflex: the issue of girls we have here.
Me: yes oo, that’s the problem o. We have victoriouschild, denncygirl, soma and jummybabe, which one we go choose?
Donflex: erm, lemme see….
Donflex: ok, see the way me and go do am, we go share them two two.
Me: ok, me go carry jummybabe and erm, erm, denncygirl. Then you go take Soma and victoriouschild.
Donflex: thunder wey go fire you dey do press up, me go take jummybabe with one person while you go take the remaining too.
Me: why can’t you just leave jummybabe for me.
Donflex: and what is the main reason why..why…why……why…!!!
Me: you no go school abeg, speak pidgin English before you bite your tongue.
Donflex: ok thank you, w€tin be the main reason why you too dey follow her.
Me: ok, make we do first to get her. You agree?
Donflex: ok no prob. You know say she no even dey during the time of the meeting ba?
Me: yes oo na true, make we go check on her sharply sharply.
I said and we all ran out of our apartment in search of jummybabe, each man with one thought in his mind, “The fastest way of toasting her”
we come outside and I see talent scout dey gim, the kind of gim wey me no go fit carry for the next seventy-three years na him this young boy dey gim like water, na then I come start to regret why I curse am in the first place.
Me: brother good morning!
I greeted him while he turned, kept the weight he was carrying and smiled. He took a towel by his side and cleaned up his sweaty body.
Then he folded his fist and started to approach me.
Me: brother I dey greet oo.
Talent scout: you dey greet who?
Me: brother na you I dey greet.
Talent scout: ok, that one concern you because w€ther you greet me or not, he no go prevent me from dislocating your bones.
Me: iyeee, brother abeg no be so we dey do things naw.
Talent scout: but no be you dey curse me that time?
Me: I dey craze, wait, you don see me say I dey craze, I dey mad to curse you.
Flex: hahahhaha, brother abeg pity am.