Tears of a Helpless Woman


© Pauline Mumbi 
READ Also: Cozy
That night I hærdly slept, Atusaye was out of my life
but my heart was far from being at peace. I felt a
grief in,side and I couldn’t explain what it was. What
surprised me was that i felt calm about Atusaye but
something else felt strange in,side. Maybe my mind
was playing tricks on me.
It was too much and slowly started becoming
I forced myself to sleep that night but I couldn’t and
calling Atusaye was the last thing I wanted to do. I
was going to see him the following morning anyway
so I didn’t have to bother him.
I kept tossing and turning in my bed and I finally
decide to start browsing through old pictures in my
phone. Most of my pictures were take with Atusaye
and now I felt worse
Luckily when it was almost 2am I managed to dose
off and slept
I rushed to shower the moment I got up, it was
only 40minutes before Atusaye could arrive and I
didn’t want to delay him.
After getting ready and making sure everything was
packed, I checked out of the hotel and waited in the
lounge while i had some coffee.
It was time for him to come and he did not show
up. I waited for an hour to no avail.
It was unlike Atusaye to behave like that, he never
disappointed me like that. Atusaye was one smart
man with time and he always teased me when I
was late.
The worst part was that I did not have the line he
was using in Nigeria. However, he had mentioned
the hotel he was booked in so I took a taxi that
took me there.
Panicking and not knowing what to do I rushed to
the reception and asked what room he was in.
The receptionist mentioned that Atusaye was a
resident at that hotel but didn’t come back the
previous night.
After begging the receptionist, she gave me the
number he was using and I decided to call him.
The phone rang the first time with no answer. I
called again and on the fourth attempt someone
picked up.
“Halo.. How are you related to the owner of the
phone?” A female voice answered.
I was annoyed and ready to yell. Was atusaye
having an affair in Nigeria? Or did he come with
another woman?.
If this was his other woman, I was ready to stage a
show in Nigeria and I would be deported back to
Zambia in no time. How could he move on so
“I’m his wife and you are?” I asked rudely.
“Well madam you need rush to the main hospital
right now. Your husband was in an accident last
night..” The woman said.
My heart crushed and I suddenly became weak.
“Madam can i talk to him please” I begged.
“He is in too much pain and he can’t talk right now,
just be here as fast as you can”.. The lady said
before hanging up.
With the help of the receptionist, I rushed to
Atusaye’s room and I picked his bag before dashing
out to the hospital.
My heart bled seeing the man I love so dearly lying
down speechless and in so much pain. He made no
movement or expression to show that he had seen
me. His eyes just stared in my direction.
I became so weak and tears rolled down my
cheeks. I cried bitterly until the nurse moved me
” you are not supposed to cry like that. Pray for
him. You have the power as his wife to stand in the
gap for him. Don’t mourn in front of him.. He may
not be able to move or talk to you but he can
clearly hear you. If you know his favourite song sing
it to him gently but most importantly pray for him”
the nurse said.
“What is wrong with him nurse? Is he going to be
OK? I mourned.
” my dear look at me.. Do you believe in God?” She
asked me.
“Yes I do with all of my heart” I responded.
“Do you trust that he can do exelceedinhly and
abundantly above all that you can ever ask?”
“Yes… I do…” I cried.
“Then wipe those tears and ask for Gods strength..
Go in there and be strong for your spouse. Pray my
dear pray” she said.
When the nurse walked away I said a short
panicking prayer and called Clara.
Clara couldn’t hold herself and she burst into tears.
She assured me that they would take the first plane
to Nigeria.
I went back to check on Atusaye and as I looked at
him I regretted asking him to be my friend. How
could I do that?
I sat by the bedside and held his hand.
“Honey.. I give up.. I give up on all life has thrown
at me… I admit today that you are the man God
has destined for me and if you can hear me Atusaye
I want you to know that I love you. I love you with
all of my heart. I love you so much that I am willing
to take your place in this bed and bear the pain for
you”.. I said calmly as tears rolled down my
” my love, my husband to be.. Get well soon ..
How will we have a wedding with you in this
state..” I cried.
Without even realising it, I calmly started singing
Israel’s song “hold on” . The song Atusaye had
dedicated to me when we first fell in love.
“Fili eko tuleya nigwililile chabe baby… Ma pressure
ni normal basiye chabe batiseke..”
My eyes were closed and as I sang tears rolled
down my cheeks… all the way down to my neck.
What more pain could surpass this?. You really
never know how strong you are until being strong is
your only option.
I felt a slight movement as I was still holding
Atusaye, it felt like he moved his finger. But I
continued singing in disbelief.
“Suddenly I felt him grip my hand really tight and I
opened my eyes.
” nurse! Nurse!” I called out.
The nurse came running with the doctor.
“He’s moving.. His moving..” I shouted.
The doctor commanded the nurse to take me
outside while he started working on Atusaye. I
could see Atusaye struggling to breath and I
mourned terribly as the nurse led me outside.
I threw myself on the lawn as I cried our to God in
“Jesus!!! Jesus!!!.. Save him please!. Save the man
I love so much or take me too. Why did you give
him to me if you knew you would never allow us the
chance to be happy??? Answer me Lord!!!!!” I
I said so many things as I begged God to save
A woman ran to me and she comforted me. I
couldn’t hear everything she was saying as she
wasn’t very fluent in English but she was asking me
to be strong.
When I was no longer crying the woman asked to
leave as she needed to get back to work, she was a
cleaner at the hospital.
Thoughts remained flashing on my mind of Atusaye
in our happiest moments and even the saddest
I was holding Atusaye’s jacket in my hands that he
wore the night of the accident and it was ripped
badly. I threw it over my legs that were getting cold
and I was astonished to see something fall out of
the jacket.
It was a small red box.
When I opened it in,side was a silver and diamond
ring. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I pulled it out
and noticed it had engravings in,side that read “I
love you Mwansa”.
This man loved me so much and I had been so
blind to see. Why was our love tested so much?.
Pain filled my heart again and tears started falling. I
slipped the ring on my finger and k-ssed it.
“Madam… Madam… Please come with me” I heard
the nurse call out.
I quickly wiped my tears, got up and rushed after
To be continued… 
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