(Love in circles)
BY BLESSING SILVER
“No! Please Allan.. Don’t do this”
My helpless cries rang in my ears and my heart thumped loudly.. I felt the dewy breeze on my skin and my eyes flung open, I tilt my head to the window and sighed when I saw the morning..A wry sigh passed my lips. Ordinarily I get over elated when the morning arrives because I always had the belief that they came with the little bright side of life and shine on me and those little sparkles drives me out of my bad reverie but now I felt completely hopeless… I didn’t feel excited as usual or have the happy smiles, I felt my darkness">darkness still clouding the little brinks of light that I had, over shadowing me and leaving me in my helplessness and I wanted to live in it; I wanted to dive into it and hide myself from the world.. To shield my present fate in it and cover her inferiority from the world. I felt the pains tearing through my internal body from last night’s torture and surging to my external organs. I stood up from where I was seated, all through yesterday’s night until this morning; doing what I could to shed out my pains but they aggravated. The tears did nothing other than make my helplessness wave at my face, over clouding my little hope. I stared out of the window and from the pane I could see my reflection.. My face looks mushy, dried tears making a strike from my eyes down to my cheeks, on my nose tip and then my chin. My eyes were baggy, caused by lack of sleep and my excess cries. I couldn’t sleep a wink last night.. The pains and the memories were enough to drive slumber far away from me. I tucked the hair falling to my face to my ear and stared at my reflection.. I looked a mess. A teenage girl who’s future couldn’t be determimed by her nor her will, it rested on the shoulder of my griefs. I would always think I’ve seen all life’s tortures, as a young girl I would think I could get used to it, Forever shielding my broken self and living with life the way it appeared after my parent left.. I imagined I could live with Allan’s trouble by bearing it but after yesterday I didn’t think I could continue. The little human life I thought I had was gone, it had been forcefully taken by my own family and right before my eyes I watched it go helplessly.. My life’s literally getting over, what’s left it finally ridding it.. I couldn’t bear it any longer, I felt ashamed having my body and knowing at the same time that it could be authorized by another..I disgusted myself, I felt like trash and a complete mush.
I sighed and moistened my dry lips with my tongue before moving myself to the bathroom. My lower insides tearing out and releasing pain in response.
“… Stay away from me! You’re not my son you’re a monster!” Tears fell rapidly from her eyes as I felt the hatred they passed to me.. Those eyes that once held love and care for me now disdained and sent me out.
“No mama, it’s me. Please don’t send me away. I’m your son, your Nicholas” I cried in response, even in my ugly self I still felt the hurt her rejection was causing.
“No!!” Her voice raged as she pulled away from me like I was a deadly disease. “You’re not my son, you’ll never be my son!. I didn’t birth a monster! You’re a beast!” Those words struck my heart like a sharp spear.
“Shut up, don’t you ever call me that. Don’t ever come close to me.. If you do I’ll tell the world who you are and watch you get taken to your kinds. Your beastly kinds! I’m not your mother, stay away from me!!” She said and with her face on mine she started walking out.
“Mama!? Mama!! “
I jerked up from the bed, my forehead sweaty and my body trembling. I sighed when my gaze caught the dim light of the early morning seeping from my bedroom window. I blinked and steadied my rapid breathing.
The stupid nightmare again! What was I thinking going to sleep.. I could never sleep as long as those memories still stay fresh in my head like it happened yesterday. I gulped and saw my veins turning green and popping out through my flesh; I shifted to my drawer, pulled it open and dipped In my hand, straining my hand for two syringe I took it out.. Already filled with my medicine. I opened it and dug the needle into my wrist, I injected the other to my neck and sighed out my breathing. After staying that way to get to my former self, I felt the relieve and I sighed again. I checked my alarm clock.. 🕓4:00🕓 it read. I’ve only had three hours sleep and even though I still felt very sleepy, I dared not go back to sleep cos it won’t be enough. I dragged myself from my bed and sat upright on my king sized bed, scanning around I turned the duvet over and got off bed, slipping my feet into my flops. I walked to my light stand and emptied the half glass of water on it.. I refilled the cup and drank a little from it and dropped it before grabbing a towel and heading to the bathroom.
I intentionally spent more time in the bathroom to kill time before moving out, the morning was beginning to get brighter.. I walked to my game room where I mostly play my games, watch soccer and where I meditate so I couldn’t sleep with the sounds on. I turned on my computer game, took the game pad and played soccer.. It’s how I mostly spend my mornings, just to brighten the day when others are asleep.
I turned it off after feeling the numbness of my fingers and winning my opponent.. What do you expect? I can’t leave without winning.. Somehow I happen to get stuck thinking about it until I win but it doesn’t apply to Jason. I sighed and moved to the kitchen where I made a light breakfast and took it to the dinning, after breakfast I dressed up for school and shoved double syringe in my backpack. I grabbed my phone and placed a call to Doc. Steve and watched it ring..
📞Nicholas, good morning📞
📞Morning.. I called for more medications📞
📞Oh.. The last purchase was taken yesterday to India, a–
📞I can’t listen to the details Steve and I’m not concerned if it got transferred, I called to tell you I’ll be needing more📞
📞Of course, I’m sorry, I’ll get it to your house before evening📞
I ended the call after that.
I took my load to my car, threw my bag to the other seat and pushed myself to the driver’s seat. I roared the engine to life and drove off to school.
I got to the road and swerved to another turn before continuing the smooth ride. I honked when I sight a lady in front of my car but a little farther though, I decreased the intensity of my speed.. Giving her enough time to cross but she stayed In the middle of the road, looking ahead and not moving. I cussed and honked again, longer this time but no movement.. Okay is she deaf or something? Even though she is can’t she see she’s in the middle of the road and a car running to her. I honked again, my car still moving and when it got to her I hurriedly stepped on the brakes, my eyes wide in awe. Is she a psycho?
I angrily took the seatbelt off and got down from my car before marching up to the lady. “Hey! Are you crazy?! Do you have a death wish!” I bellowed and she turned to me. My brows lowered when I recognized her. The clumsy bitch that ruined my phone.. I saw the writings in her hand and when I saw her last she wasn’t deaf, dumb nor blind.. She couldn’t have contact those three in few hours. Her gaze was on me but her face was expressionless. No sorry feeling nor panicking
“It’s you,?” I muttered in frustration “And I know you’re not deaf so why are you not moving from the road” I asked but she just kept staring at me.
I was beginning to get more pissed. If she’s trying to commit suicide then she has to find some other way and not pull it all on me. She’s just so annoying.
“Are you trying to get yourself killed you idiot!” I yelled and she nodded, my face twitched.
“What? You trying to get yourself killed?” I asked unsure and she nodded again.
“Yes” she responded, her voice coming out soft and not the way I had expected.
“You’re crazy” I said.
“I want to end my life, what’s crazy about that?” She asked and I sighed in frustration.
“Look if you’re trying to play some pranks on me to make me go late to school then you’re kidding cos if I get back in my car and you don’t get your bitchy self off the road, I’ll run over you!” I warned.
“Please do, just kill me already! Please do it” she said, yelling at a time, I chuckled in awe.
Okay I’ll have to remember that she’s crazy and clumsy at the same time. Such an idiot!
“Just do it!” She yelled and I flinched, looking closer I noticed blisters of tears, hanging at the corner of her eyes.
“I don’t care if you want to end your life or get yourself killed but I’m not doing that for you. If you’re ready to die then do it yourself or get involved with an killer.. I’m not losing my phone and my pride at the same time and to the same person” I said and she sniffed, wiping her tears off. “I don’t know the reason for your sudden want to die but if you know the amount of people begging for life in health centers then you’ll realize how precious it is. It’s your decision though but I think you should remember paying off your debt to me before dying, it’s not a good idea to die in debts.. Even God forbids it”
“What” she said in a rather flushed tone.
“It’ll be six days next tomorrow, put your death wish aside till then and when we’re cleared. You do your thing” I said and her mouth hung open.
“You’re such a jerk” she muttered and I frowned.
“A wannabe goner shouldn’t insult, God forbids that too. You should at least try to make heaven when you’re gone and that should happen after I get my phone back” I said, she still had that surprise look.
“You’re so emotionless”
“On debtors? I sure am, now get out of my way bitch! ” I gently pushed her from the road and turned my heels to the car but stopped and turned to her “Good thing you didn’t try to take off the ink cos you’ll only be getting yourself injured” I said and her gaze went to her hand. I entered my car, did my seatbelt and drove past.. Hearing her cuss after..
Such a drama queen, trying to act all pathetic so I would feel sorry and let her go off with the money.. She’s unlucky I don’t get emotional on anyone, except myself and I don’t let go. She must’ve probably ran into the road knowing it was my car passing so I could watch her sorry acts and pranks.. She must’ve stalked me to know I was coming by. Really she must be perfect at those sorry acts.
Such a pathetic bitch.
T. B. C
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