It Should Have Been Like This episode 11
It Should Have Been Like This 💔
👩💻 Book Eleven: broken 👩💻
(This chapter is a little bit depressing and tense, just so you’ll know)
💜 Lavender’s viewpoint 💜
Ferris parked the car at the gate of my suppose home. After I cried, he never said a word about it again and just took me home. I was silent, I didn’t say a word after that too and we let the awkward silence reign in the car and dominate my mind with depression and anger. I knew I was being inconsiderate, but I also knew I deserve to be, so not my fault. What I was angry about was that he had to suffer too. If he didn’t, my stupid heart wouldn’t consider him for a second but knowing he did and there was a big chance that he did love me, my heart was starting to turn against me.
I was pissed because I was sorry for him and wanted to end everything, but I would never, not after what he made me go through. The part where my children were ill didn’t matter, the fact that we lived from hand to mouth can he easily forgotten, the fact that I faced humiliation as a beggar was nothing, but the fact that he ruined my life was everything. Me, the innocent girl he changed, the woman who suffered. Can he remove the memories of me using my body as a last alternative to save his children’s lives? Can he make me forget the pain and how filthy I still felt? How disgusted with myself I am? I could no longer look at myself in the mirror with pride or admire the beauty I once was.
Even though it was four years ago, the memories was still fresh and painful as if it was yesterday. I could still feel their creepy hands on my body, their hideous breath on me and their filthy tongue coating me with their saliva. I remembered that particular man who was obsess with BDSM and I endured it because he paid better. How about the other one who wouldn’t admit to himself that he was g-y but was still obsess with an-l. I endured everything and that’s what pained me the most. Their touch and k-sses was nothing like Rominic’s or even Ferris’, they didn’t care about me in anyway and it made me wish–then–that I was with him.
Those memories, the emotional and physical pain, the beating I got one time from one of them who wanted an insane thing but I refused, the time one of their girlfriends barged in and the insults… God! I can never forgive Rominic! I can never! If I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t have done that, but I did because his children needed treatment. Whatever he thought he went through, I went through it in seven folds. So no, he does not deserve my forgiveness and I will not let my heart manipulate me.
“Goodnight.” I said coldly. My anger wasn’t directed at him but I couldn’t help the bitterness that slipped into my tone. I opened the door and step only one leg out before he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back in.
“Are you going to hate me now?”
“No, I’m not, but I’m angry. I just remembered everything I went through and I know he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness,” he sighed and nodded, not commenting on it. “What do you want?”
“To see my godchildren, that’s what,” he chirped, like he didn’t look frustrated a second ago. The way his eyes brightened was amazing, always have been and always will be. “I’m sure the others would want to too.”
I chuckled. “I’ll see their schedule and fix a date, if that’s okay,” he nodded his head vigorously. “Okay, goodnight then?” He nodded but didn’t let go of my hand. “Erm, Ferris?” He was looking at me intensely, the excitement completely washed from his eyes and replaced with something I couldn’t read. “Ferris?”
“Sometimes, thinking about the future is better than dwelling in the past, no matter how hærd and bitter it is. One would say there’s a reason for everything, but I don’t believe that shit. Instead, I believe in working towards the future and letting go of the past. Work towards your future, Jam, remember you have little ones to set an example for.” I pressed my l-ips into a thin line, glaring dagger at him. He used my mother’s words, the exact words because he knew it was the only thing that could cut through my thick skull. At least, if it was then, it would have been so, but I was not the Lavender Jamila Amherst he or anyone used to know. I’m the sad, bitter and furious woman who changed to become strong enough to provide for her kids.
He had no idea who was sitting beside him.
I snatched my hand from his grip and hissed at him. “Nice try, Ferris, but that will only work on a fool. I am not that anymore so try something else.” This time, I didn’t wait for him to grab me, I jumped out of the car, snatched my purse and stomp into the already open gate. The security guard slammed the gate shut and proceed to lock it while I continued my seething rage in,side.
I expected to see Serenity standing there and I really didn’t want her to see me like this, but who I found there made my blood boil with more rage than before. “What are you doing here standing!” He had his hands in his pockets and a nonchalant look on his face.
“Don’t blame me, blame Serenity. She made me swear to wait for you since she wanted an early sleep.”
“And the others?”
“Serafina chased them to bed, Zachary just went to bed few minutes ago,” I nodded and made my way pass him. I didn’t want to speak to him because I would scre-m and wake Zachary up. I knew he hadn’t slept deep yet… Not that he was a deep sleeper before but you get the idea. “Who was that?” He asked, following me to “our” room.
“Who was who?”
“The guy you left with.”
“His name is None Of Your Business,” I hissed contemptuously.
“I deserve to know because you did not return early, just look at the time, Lavender, the kids were worried!” I ignored him and kept running up the stairs to get away from him as soon as possible. But how far can you run away from someone you share the same room with? “Lavender, I’m talking to you!” I ignored him more and entered the room, trying to contain my words. “Answer me!”
“Fine,” I spun around with a sweet smile, “he is one of the people that tried to save me from a bastard like you. There, I’ve told you, happy now?” I smiled sickly and turned to walk to the bathroom.
“Which one is he? Link? Cameron? Ferris!” The bitterness in his voice when he mentioned Ferris made my eye twitched. He never liked Ferris because he knew Ferris held a place in my heart no one could ever replace. Even if I did push him away, I loved Ferris like a brother, best friend and in a sort of way.
“Yes, Ferris,” I tried to close the bathroom door but he used his hand to push it open again. I sighed and left it open. He followed me in.
“Why did you go with him? What does he want?” I whirled on my heels to face him with a stunned look. For some reason, even though I was angry, I was acting calm and amuse. His expression was no longer calm but filled with jealousy and anger. I never knew how much I missed the face until he was making it.
“What is it to you?”
“I don’t like him, he wants you.” He growled. I shrugged.
“Somebody has got to after all.”
“For goodness sake, Laverne, why can’t you let go of the past?!” He scre-med, throwing his hands up with anger and frustration. I stared at him for a few seconds before I found myself laughing so hærd I had to lean on the counter for support. He watched me with confusion and curiosity. Even I didn’t know why I was reacting that way.
“Alright, let me show you something,” I didn’t care, I grabbed the zipper at the back of my dress and pulled it down. I removed the sleeves and pushed the dress down to my wa-ist before letting it pool at my feet. I was left in my underwear but not for long. I unclasp my b-ra, pushed the straps off my shoulders and toss it on the ground. The look of horror on his face when he saw my once smooth and maim-free skin covered with scars was satisfying.
“See this?” I turned my back to him so he’ll see the wh¡p slashes on it, “I got those when I willingly participated to be the s€× slave of a wealthy psychopath. He doesn’t sleep with the women, but he derived pleasure from their pain and the sight of their blood. All I had to do was take wh¡ps on my body and cry like there’s no tomorrow and I get the complete money to start Zayne’s treatment. See this,” I pointed to the mark right below my left butt cheek, “it didn’t heal like the others. My back and this one is the only memory of that night. And of course, the one I have in my head.”
I continued to smile as I turned around and showed him my chest. There was a claw mark from someone manhandling me. “This was from the man that raped me. You see, I had to do a really late night shift to get money to pay for Serenity’s drugs. Boy was he rough. I got infected with disease but I cured it so whatever. Oh, and I should remember the BDSM man and that one that almost ripped my anus apart. See this?” I pointed to the marks on my stomach. “This one was from operating to get Serenity out of me, and Zayne too. It’s not easy to push five babies you know. And this one is from getting nabbed and stabbed and the money I made from the assh-le that wh¡pped me, stolen. This other one is another stab I got from the man who told me to sleep with an animal for his pleasure and when I refused, he beat me up and stabbed me. Still alive, no biggie.”
I pointed to the rest scars. “A girl caught me with her boyfriend and she came with her brothers so they beat the shit out of me. I don’t want to mention the guy that tried to stick his foot in me, gross. If I had let him, I’ll be wild as a house by now. Thank goodness that kind woman helped me with herbs or I would feel really worse right now. Don’t worry, after no s€×ual torture for four years and the herbs and treatment I’ve been taking, I’m as good as new.” I continued grinning like an insane person. I just wanted him to feel bad, to see what he has done to me but I didn’t expect what he did next.
He cried.
The sick anger and bitterness I felt was immediately replaced with shock and numbness. I stared at him with mouth open and eyes wide with disbelief. Rominic staggered back until his back was resting on a wall and his hand over his mouth. He was sobbing softly but tears was running down his cheeks and wetting his hand.
I didn’t know what else to do but I knew staring at him wouldn’t help, so I quietly walked into the shower and shut the glass behind me. I turned on the shower to be steamy and hot enough to scorch my skin. I wanted to feel pain, I wanted to feel my body on fire so I’d cry over the pain and not the one I was holding back. I knew that if I cried with him, I’d forgive him. He had no right to show his tears knowing it was my greatest weakness.
I rest my head on the wall, holding in my tears as the hot water rained down on my body. I hissed from pain but the pain was a comfort for me. Each and every memory flashed in my head and left my mouth sour from the taste of bile. I wanted to throw up, I was disgusted with myself and my life. I wanted to scre-m until the pain go away but I knew scre-ming would do nothing to help soothe the anger in me. Fate had been nothing but cruel to me. She picked me up and smashed me to the ground over and over again. And when it felt like I was dying, she revive me and repeat the process.
She won’t let me die, and she won’t let me live in peace.
Is it something I did as a child? Is this the crime for my mother getting pregnant for a married man? Surely, it cannot be. It was a one-night mistake, one that she didn’t have in her to regret because it gave her me. My mother called me a blessing and a miracle. She knew from when she was little that she would never have a child of her own, so when she unexpectedly and miraculously conceive me, she was ready to bear the consequences and have me. She didn’t need my father’s money, she was filthy rich and Rominic took everything away.
Am I suffering for what she did or is this for something she did in the past? What did I do? Somebody should just tell me what! Just… I looked up, the shower wasn’t running anymore. Before I could investigate, the reason made itself known by turning on the cold water.
“Ow!” I cried as the cold water beat my skin instead of the hot. It happened in a blur, I was too mentally gone to think of anything at the moment so I let him wash my body. But it was funny how better I felt with every minute that went by with him cleaning my body. After all these years when I bathe, I still felt filthy and used, but as he washed my body, I felt like all the touch of the other men was finally off. By the time I was laying on the bed under the cover he tucked me in, I felt new in a way I loathe with passion.
He dried my body, changed my clothes and put me to bed and laid with me in his hands, refusing to let go. Hate as I might, but I knew I needed it. I felt safe in his arms, like the world and past is behind me. I despise it more than I despise him.
“I know sorry isn’t enough to clear everything I have done, sorry is only there to start off. I know I ruined your already hærd life. I came out of nowhere to avenge my late grandmother like I thought and please the woman I loved or thought I loved. I was a fool, I deserve death and I did try to pass it on myself but death refused fo accept me. I cannot change the past or delete my mistakes, but I will try to correct the ones I can. I do not regret falling in love with you, but I do regret not realizing it sooner and letting you go. But I’ll fix it, I know I can…”
“Shut up and let go of me.” I whispered. My voice was weak and no way harsh, but I couldn’t try to make it, I was too weak to.
“For every pain you went through, for every tears that you shed, for every man that took your dignity and self-worth, for every night you slept hungry just so they could feed, for every thing you sold and the rags you wore they would be clothed in manageable clothing; I would fix it all. I cannot take away your pain or anger, I cannot remove the agonizing memory or the lies I told you in the past; the mistakes I made that ruined you, but I will do everything in my power to create new pure ones that would wipe out the bad or at least, shine bright enough to mollify your pain. Even if it takes me until the end of time to get it done, then I would fight death until I achieve that purpose. Even if you never love me back, all I want is your forgiveness.”
“I am sorry for all the lies, all the pain, all the scars, the starvation, your tears, the suffering and humiliation, I am sorry for every single one of them. Please, forgive me.” I refuse to let my heart rule, I refuse to let the past go, I refuse to put everything behind and look towards a brighter future with him. And most especially, I refuse to forgive him.
🧡 Rominic’s viewpoint 🧡
Now I understand what makes her so bitter. I knew I made her suffer but I didn’t know the full extent or even imagined it was that bad. She was scarred both emotionally, mentally and physically. The scars on her was a constant reminder of what she had to go through, the memories were rooted to her consciousness. I wanted to fix it, I wanted to make her forget but even I knew that was impossible. Except I get her hypnotize or create a machine to wipe her memory, she would never forget. I was tempted to do the latter, it would only take me a week or two to create the machine. But I wouldn’t.
I knew that if I truly wanted her forgiveness, I need to earn it, not force it. What did I feel like doing? Hunting down every single one of those men that laid their cursed hands on her, that scarred her and dared to use what’s mine. But it was no time for possessiveness and protectiveness, I lost that right the day I chose Peyton over her. I knew she did everything to keep my offsprings alive, I owe her more than my life for that. She could have sold them or even aborted the pregnancy, but she kept them. Her heart was still pure even after all I cost her.
I sighed as I remembered the scars on her, ones that will hunt us both for the rest of our lives. As she showed me with a sardonic smile, I realize how ruined she was and every word stabbed me in the heart and brain until I could take it no more. Lavender was broken and I helped with it. She was fighting to stay mentally sane all these years for our children’s sake because she knew they had no one. But now she was aware they had me, she was unconsciously losing it bit by bit and my presence around her wasn’t helping her improvement. She didn’t need to be around me but being away meant opening the door for any man to win her heart.
I knew what I had to do, even if I couldn’t stand it. If being with someone else would fix her, then I have no right to stop her. However, she wasn’t leaving my house or my sight. I could rent her and apartment, but the kids won’t leave, I know they won’t and they wouldn’t want her to leave either. Lavender on the other hand would lose it faster if I separate her from her children. There were the only reason she was still fighting insanity. And again, staying around me would suffocate her faster.
What then should I do?
“Daddy?” I sat up properly immediately. I was in my office drinking my sorrow to a higher level because drinking never helped me numb pain. “What are you doing?”
Serenity stood there hugging the gold koala bear I bought for her with one hand while the other rubbed her closed eyelid. “Baby, what are you doing out of bed?” I asked, standing up to walk to her. I was glad I hadn’t drank much.
“Daddy, I don’t think mommy’s okay,” I picked her up and carried her back to the chair. I placed her on my laps and wrapped her legs around my wa-ist. “Daddy, are you going to tell me the truth?”
“About what?”
“Do you love mommy?”
“Of course I do…”
“But mommy is too mad and bitter to accept her love for you, right?” I didn’t know where the wh0le topic was heading so I just nodded. “You know, over the years, I’ve watched Zachary and Serafina worry about mommy a lot, they know what really happened between you two but won’t share because they don’t want it to scar us. I watch them bear the burden of it because they were strong enough to hold it without too much damage, I watch them watch mom for years. Life made them over mature at their age because they know that if they don’t become strong, one day, mommy would breakdown. I don’t know what it is, but I know mommy isn’t okay, I’ve always known she was hanging on for us, I can feel that each day is a battle to hold on to something important but I don’t know what but Zachary and Serafina do.” She sobbed.
“I knew I made mommy suffer too because of my health and I really wished she would let me die so she could focus on the others, but I knew if I did, that battle mom keeps fighting will end with whatever that is, victorious. I’m not as smart as Zachary or Serafina, or know how to make mommy feel better with a k-ss like Zayne, so I wait for her everyday by the door because I want her to know that I love and support her. I’ve been hoping a day would come when she wouldn’t have to think about money so she can focus on herself and you came. Please, daddy, help me save mommy from whatever is killing her slowly, don’t let mommy die or it would destroy Serafina and Zachary, I know it will. They have spent most of their lives trying to be adults to take care of her, please don’t let anything happen to her. I didn’t wait for her today, I’m a bad daughter…”
“No, you’re not,” I hugged her tight, letting my own tears fall, “you gave me the opportunity to see what is really wrong with her. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to both of us. I promise you that I won’t let anything happen to your mother, I’ll pull her out of that pit, I promise.” Lavender wasn’t the only one I broke, I realize then that my children were affected as well. I just need to fix it, one way or the other.
I took her back to her bedroom, the one she shared with Serafina. I k-ssed her forehead and watched both of them sleep in peace. Sera had a smile on her face, one I had to maintain. One way or the other, I just have to.
I returned to my room but was surprise to see Lavender awake and crying. “I thought I was hiding it properly but I had no idea. They are too pure for my damages. Rominic, I hate what you have done to me, but I now accept that I am broken. I want to be fixed, Rominic, for their sakes. Please, help me.”
And I will.
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To be continued.