“Brother I want to ask you a question oh!” It was a very cold night at the hangout.
“I hope its not a s’tupid question? Because you always ask s’tupid questions”
“No brother its not a s’tupid question, it’s a wise one this time around”
“Okay go ahead and ask, am all ears” And indeed he brought his ear close to me.
“why you no go all ears when your ear na Laba-laba”
Brother Wale’s ear is a characteristic of what we Yorubas call “Eti ewe” meaning leaf ear. Funny enough Eti ewe was his nickname while he was in secondary school. I remember some of his secondary school friends reminiscing school days and how Brother Wale got the nickname Eti ewe.
While I eavesdropped, this conversation ensued:
Legedez Benz: Eti ewe! Eti ewe, this your ear dey long everyday ooh.
Emeka: I dey tell you, the size of the antenna dey increase everyday.
Legedez Benz: Guy you remember that time for SS1 na! wey them tell Eti ewe make him clean black board with him ear.
Koffi: No be small thing oh! Mr. Yale na wicked man oh! How him go say make Eti ewe use him ear as duster? hahahahaha!
Brother Wale(Eti ewe): Abi I don warn una make una no dey call me Eti Ewe? Una no dey hear.
Legedez Benz: Shut up abeg! You wey dey call me Legedez Benz nkor?
Brother Wale: hahahahaha! LB! LB! You still dey trek? Make I see your shoe sole na!
Koffi: Guy! But LB you trek that year oh! You be world trekker! You dey trek and your sole go dey cry! Hahahahahaha!
SB: Hahahahaha! Legedez Benz.
“Go ahead I am listening!” I felt like kissing his ear.
“don’t vex for this question I want to ask you oh!”
“I will not as far as it is a reasonable question”
“Okay! The question I want to ask you is that why have you no gotten a job yet, why?”
“Well, that’s a very good question, I have not gotten a job because most of the companies I go to for interviews say I am too qualified, that they can’t pay me”
“Is that true? You are too qualified or you are too dull to pass the interviews?” My mouth was s’tupid.
“Shut up! Are you mad? Don’t you have respect for me again?” He knocked my head.
“I am sorry na, I was just wondering!”
“Mr. Wonderer! How is my not getting a job any of your business?”
“Because I love you!” These words melted his stony heart.
“Yes! I care about you brother!”
“aaaw! Thank you for caring about me, don’t worry I will get a job soon!” He smiled, and I was sure I will be eating two pieces of meat that night.
All of a sudden………………………………… “Wale! Wale!” Someone yelled.
“Who is that?” We both turned at the same time.
“Wale! Where my money?” It was Brother Luku the heavy weight champion, not he alone; Skill, Bill and Trill were with him.
“Money! Which money?”
“So you dey pretend like say you no know w€tin I dey talk abi?”
“What money are you talking of na?”
“Where the balance of my money for the generator wey I give you?”
“Ahhaaan! I thought we agreed that I should pay twelve thousand naira, and I have done that, so I don’t owe you”
“That one wey you dey speak na English! Pay me my remaining 3k or I burst this bottle for your head!” Brother Luku was dead serious.
“hahahahahaha! You can’t do nothing!” Brother Wale laughed.
Next I saw was that Brother Luku was speaking to the bottle he held. Speaking what? I don’t know! But I was sure it wasn’t Yoruba.
And next I saw was;”braaaaaawww!”
“aaaaah! Brother Wale don die oh!” I cried with the loudest of my voice.
“Close your mouth there or I tell my dog make them chop you!”
“Brother Wale! Aaaaaah! shabarabashabaearabtada” I spoke Swahili and farted. Fart under duress I suppose. Legend has it that farting under duress gave one the strength to fight.
“I say make you shut up!” Brother, I mean Murderer Luku yelled.
“I no go shut up! You have killed my brother because of three thousand naira” I carried a big stick.
“eheeen! If I kill am nkor? w€tin you fit do?”
“w€tin I fit do be say I wan fight you!” Thank God there was no customer seated.
“you wan fight me?” Like he was about releasing the dogs he held, ”If you wan fight me, you go first fight my dog them”
“Love me, love my dogs” They say, “Hate Luku, hate his dogs” was it for me at that point.
As the three dogs hurried towards me my fury grew stronger, I wasn’t scared at all; they was this inner strength in me – maybe I was housing the strength of Brother Wale as well as mine, or maybe not.
I picked a stick from the fire place and “vooowm! Voowm!” I struck hard on Skill. Trill’s was a very heavy kick from me, and then swiftly the burning stick was slammed on its head twice. As for F’oolish Bill, it landed on hot oil on its own accord and was struggling to come out barking his life out.
Then I hit Skill three times on its head as it took its last breath; I had hunted Okon good meat. Suddenly, Bill came out of the hot oil and headed towards me,”vaaaaawmn!” It received burnt offering.
Luku saw my eyes spelt death, I was gonna kill him for killing Brother Wale, then he ran and I chased after him like Cheetah.
“Mogbe oh!” Luku the strongest in the community was chased by SB the weakest, how tables turn.
I looked back for a while and saw Trill was after me barking.