Since I was preparing for WAEC I had no choice but to carry my books to the hangout and read while I fried.
“Brother help me blow fire!” I said.
“okay! Pass me that book”
“That book na!” He pointed.
“ahaaan! Brother why will you use my mathematics notebook to blow fire? Use your mouth na!”
“I should use my mouth? Common give me the book jor!” He grabbed it.
Wickedness is Brother Wale; an evil genius indeed. I will never ever forget the day he did what Napoleon couldn’t do, he fed me – I mean choked me with food. That was the day I realized too much of everything is not good, and that Brother Wale was the most wicked person on earth; his name should be in Guinness book.
“Brother I am hungry oh!” I complained after returning from school.
“Yes I know you are hungry, I just put beans on fire”
“kai! Before this beans go done, I go don die!” I assured myself, so I headed for Gari the one that saves Nigerians.
I had forgotten Brother Wale hated drinking Gari and he wouldn’t allow me drink. He said drinking Gari meant one was poor, so to prevent poverty he warned that I never drank Gari in his presence no matter how hungry I was.
“Brother this one you are watching cartoon?” I crossed my leg munching Gari.
“abi you no watch am when you dey small?” I saw Tom was chasing Jerry with a Knife.
He was so focused watching that at some point I thought he was watching either Nine O’clock news or his football club Manchester united was playing against say Chelsea.
“Why Brother Wale eye just dey focus for TV?” I asked myself.
“Maybe money dey this Tom and Jerry oh! Abi if person watch am, the person go win money?” Because I was sure Brother Wale was in dire need of money that period of his life.
“Make me sef watch oooh, in case!” I said to myself.
“no cut am! No cut am!” I said as Tom ran closer to Jerry and was about to cut its head.
“Splasssssh!” Tom sliced Jerry’s head into two.
How on earth my cup of Gari poured Brother Wale’s head, I couldn’t comprehend. I turned and saw Brother Wale was Lagbaja and the Gari on his head reminded me of our grand father with gray hair.
“Hahahahahahahahaha!” I laughed
“How dare you pour me Gari on my head?” I saw he wasn’t smiling.
“I’m sorry sir! it was a mistake” I knelt down.
“You……… you are sorry for yourself!” A knock landed on my head.
“aaaahhh! Sorry na!” I cried.
“Come here! How many times will I warn you not to drink Gari in this house?” I took steps backwards.
“Hundred times sir!”
“Hundred times abi, and you are still drinking?”
“I am drinking because I am hungry” He wiped out the Gari on his face leaving the one on his beard and his head, and I swear he looked like Wole Shoyinka.
“you are hungry eeehn! Didn’t I tell you there is beans on fire already?”
“Yes sir! You told me!” I answered.
“I am very hungry that is why!” I answered.
“hnnnnn! Hungry man! That means you can finish the beans on fire alone abi?” He paused.
“Yes of course!” I talked without thinking.
“fine! You see that bag of beans in the kitchen, I want you to measure fourteen cups and put it on fire! I mean the other stove”
“Why Brother? Are we expecting visitors?” I cared to know.
“Yes oooh, I am expecting my friends”
“This one na m’umu oh! You are expecting your friends and you are cooking beans for them, shey you no see better food cook?” I cursed within.
Little did I know I would be the one that would end up being the m’umu.
“Brother the two beans don done oh!” I announced two hours later.
“okay! Serve me from the first one, and serve the second one in a big bowl”
“Yes a bowl, use that our big bowl that Maami use to urinate in while she was alive”
“Why that bowl?”
“I have put the beans in the bowl and i have covered it, What of my own?” I asked after serving him, “which one will I eat?”
“You see that one in the bowl? Eat it, its yours!” He said, ”And wait…………………………… you must finish it”
“How? How will I finish this thing?”
Don’t ask me how; I thought you said you are a glutton”
“Glutton? I don’t like super glue oooh” In case he added to the punishment that super glue was to represent stew.
“You must finish it ooh!” He emptied the beans left in the pot into the bowl.
I was eating and I was farting; the farts gave room for more beans to enter my four chambered stomach.
“Brother it is not good ooh! God is watching you ooh!” I complained.
“sssshs! If I hear peeim! I will flog you!” He raised the cane he held.
As I ate, the beans in the bowl increased and my tears on the floor formed River Nile.
“Brother, me I can not finish this food oh!” I felt beans coming out from my nose.
He carried the bowl of beans, and just when I thought I had been saved by the bell; “prrrruuuuuuu!” It was raining beans on me.
That’s not wickedness, this is:
“Don’t worry the fire will come up, lemme use my mouth to blow it” At last he agreed to use his mouth.
“It has comed up” Grammar broken.
“oooooH! My note!” I jumped from where I sat.
My mathematics note was on fire, “water! Water!” I cried.
“water what? I will buy you another note!”
“you will buy me another note, will you help me write the note?” I dipped my right hand into the fire to bring out my half-way-burnt notebook.
“eeeeaaaah! My hand oooh!” My right hand was burning, “water! Water!”
How f’oolish of me to dip my hand into hot oil wishing it was water.
Mathematics exam was the worse of exams in WAEC for me; others were bad; like in English paper I answered just fourteen out of the hundred objective questions, I concentrated on the theory questions and dealt with them, or so I thought.
On the day of mathematics I wrote well I must confess – in dreamland and not in reality.
“SB w€tin dey happen na! why you dey sleep like this?”
“Guy I no well! My eye dey turn me” I think the quadratic equations I saw in the question paper spun my eyes and the Simultaneous equations combined with the Pap and beans I ate that morning caused me sleep.
“Young man, Why are you sleeping in the exam hall?” The invigilator asked.
“sir I think I am not feeling fine”
“Then go to the hospital!”
“m’umu! Make I go hospital leave exam wey I dey right abi?” I cursed within.
“SB! SB! Copy from my work!” Yemi changed sit and was sitting close to me.
I was writing and was sweating profusely, I wrote to a point that I couldn’t comprehend what I was to write next.
“Yemi I no dey see this equation wey you write here oh”
“this one na!” I pointed.
“hahahahahahahah! SB! SB!”
“why you dey laugh na?”
“That thing wey you dey call equation na my name na!” I cleared my eyes and saw that what I was about writing was “Yemi Morebeshe” His name written at the top of the page.
“Guy your handwriting na war oh!”
“You! Both of you stand up! Why are you talking in the exam?” I never saw the principal entered.
“Sir I was not talking oh, I just asked him to borrow me pencil” I lied.
“You asked him to borrow you pencil abi?”
“come with me!”
“Who? Me or him?”
“Sir where are we going to na?” I almost said.
“Permit me Mr. Invigilator, this young man is going to write the rest of this paper in my office, he is too stubborn, you can come and check on him from time to time!” The principal requested.
“No problem sir!”
“ooohh! God! I don roast be that oh! Yemi for no come show me work oh! He for leave me make I dey sleep my thing oooh!”
“Mtschwwww!” I hissed.
“did you just hiss?” The principal turned as we walked to his office.
“Me hissed? I dey craze? I was just singing!”
“what kind of song were you singing?” The kind of Principal Mr. Eze was was the kind that needed to know even what the content of your bowel was.
“Gospel song!” I answered.
“Gospel song! Sang by who?” He asked.
“Sang by Timaya!” I answered.
“haaaaa! Is Timaya a gospel musician?”
“Yes he is!”
The morbid fragrance the principal’s office offered made me drew a conclusion that I had failed Mathematics already. But as I sat to write, an idea cropped in, “You know say you fit see maths textbook here?”
“na true oh!”
“Did I tell you to sit down?”
“Yes sir………………………… I mean No sir!” I stammered.
“That’s not where you will sit writing this exam; you will be in my inner chamber”
He locked the door to his main office ushering me to the “inner chambers”.
“sit down!” He offered.
“Sit where sir?”
“Sit on the bed”
In the history of mankind it has never being heard that anyone wrote an external exam sitting on a bed save SB. I was about to break history.
“Write on this table!” He brought a plastic table.
“Thank you sir”
“I will put on the AC for you so you will be very comfortable” He put on the Air conditioner.
“Thank you sir!”
“And before I forgot you said you don’t have a pencil” He was about leaving, “take this one!”
The environment was cozy yet there was nothing “upstairs” to write.
“w€tin this man dey use bed do for him office sef? Abi him dey use am dey arrange all this SS3 girls” That was the obvious.
“Fifteen minutes more!” The invigilators’ voice was loud enough.
Ten minutes of writing r’ubbish and I was in dreamland lying on the principal’s succulent bed; it was really soft compared to the stone we had at home we called bed.
In the dream Brother Wale was by my side helping me solve the mathematics problems, and later on helping the whole students in the hall write.
After the exam, i walked home with Yemi happily……………………
“Yemi all of us don…………”
……………“My friend what are you doing lying on my bed!!!?” A sound slap on my head chased me to reality.
“……………. Yemi all of us don pass oh!” I thought I was still dreaming.
“The only pass you need to pass now is to pass your paper, Time up!”