The last paper had been scheduled for the upper week, and it was Dr. Belgam’s course. And because he was a very strict man, we all gots to cram everything crammable. Plus, the course was a 5 unit course. Four of us, we were course mates living inside the same lodge. We had gathered to deliberate on how we were going to face the exam. Me, Precious, Isoken, and the girl, Amina.
Precious: I didn’t finish the last paper we took. So I wouldn’t want to dull on this one we are going to write.
Amina: Me too. I left two questions for them to finish for me.
Precious: So, make una talk as how we go use murder this paper.
Isoken: Are you tired of carrying your notebook inside the exam hall?
Precious: Omo, leave matter. Shebi e never happen to you that after smuggling foreign materials into the exam hall, you won’t even know which answer to lift from your notebook.
Me: Make we do FBI for this paper na.
Amina: As in we should arrest the lecturer bah? And force out the answers from him…
Isoken: Which kain suggestion be that one na?
Precious: Abeg na serious matter we de talk for here.
Me: Not kidnapping the lecturer, fools. The man has a son that lives with him. Why don’t we find a way to make him leak the question paper to us?
There was silence for a minute as the idea was being digested by them
Isoken: That go make sense o.
Amina: True, but how are we going to do that? What if he reports us to his dad? Then, there won’t be any exam for us.
Precious: This Amina sef. You sabi fear fear.
Amina: No be fear fear matter.
Precious: Be optimistic for once.
Isoken: I know the guy. I don’t think he can report us. He’s a student as well. He might just ask us for money.
Me: Even if he reports us, we’ll follow Plan B and find a way to exonerate ourselves.
Amina: Ok, fine. Supposing he won’t report us, how are we going to approach him with this request? We will just walk up to him and say hey help us with a copy of your father’s question paper….how nice.
Precious: Who said anything about us approaching him? Amina think with your brain for once, and not with your genitals. Don’t you watch all these detective movies and see how they get information from people?
Me: Preach it bro, preach it!
Precious: So you see, instead of all of us barging in on him, one of us will have to do it. He’s a guy and it works well between a guy and a girl.
Amina: Don’t even go there. Planner.
Isoken: Amina, you’re the only girl here. So be a soldier and take this one for the team.
Amina: And how am I supposed to cajole him into giving me the paper? Does he even have access to his father’s stuff?
Me: Nawaoo. Amina, you’re asking us how you go use cajole him abi? No worry, very soon you go come ask us how you go use suck your boyfriend’s prick. Na everything we go tell you abi.
Precious: The same way you use make your boyfriend buy you generator and home theatre, use the same formular on the lecturer’s son and I bet you, he will be supplying us all the exam question papers till we graduate.
Amina: E don do abeg. My boyfriend don enter the matter abi. Fine, I’ll do it.
Isoken: You be my real realest. That’s why I like you.
Precious: That aside, Amibaby, w€tin you cook?
Amina: Make I no use my eyes see any of una legs inside my room o. After planning to send me to go do ashawo work for una, una still wan come eat my food. Make una park well joor.
The next day we gathered again in anticipation of Amina’s arrival.
We were in Precious’ room when we heard a ruckus outside. We peeped through the window and saw a small gathering of some of our lodge mates inside the compound. When we went outside to ascertain what the noises was all about, we were told that the caretaker fought with his girlfriend. In fact, they were still inside fighting when we came out. Some guys started to knock on the caretaker’s door so he can open the door. When the guy finally came out, we started to ask him why he was fighting with his girlfriend.
1st neighbor: Oga, why una too dey fight for this compound?
2nd neighbor: Hmmm, person no fit rest for them, every day fight fight.
3rd neighbor: Caretaker, why u de beat your girlfriend na?
Caretaker: Since eight days wey this girl come visit me, she never enter bathroom go baff. The thing don tire me, I swear.
1st neighbor: Na small thing na. Tell her to go and bathe na.
Caretaker: I don tell her she no gree.
Just then, his girlfriend came out.
Caretaker’s girlfriend: He talk say I no gree baff? Him nko? Since I come him house, he don go baff? He come here come dey make noise.
Isoken: I think say these people get better matter.
Me: Abeg I don enter room jaree.
We re-entered inside.
Precious: These are very funny. The guy no wan bathe, his girlfriend too no wan bathe. I wonder how that their room go de smell.
Isoken: At least, the guy’s own is excusable. No girl should leave her body unwashed.
Me: Why you de talk like an illiterate? Which one be the guy’s own is excusable? Aren’t man and woman both humans? Or germs and diseases don de do gender discrimination?
Isoken: What I mean is that a guy can go for days without taking his bath yet it won’t cause him any s£xual diseases, but if a girl does that, her genitals will be crowded with infections.
Me: You be quack doctor. No go outside go talk this kain talk else dem go just send you straight to psychia. Germs can reside in any dirty body, be it man or woman.
Precious: That reminds me, the other day I went to see Oburoh in his hostel. After he finished having his bath, he come smell his boxers before putting it on. I asked him why he smelled his boxers before wearing it, he replied that he wanted to make sure if the boxers has reached to be changed. I asked him for how long has he been wearing the particular boxers, he said for four days.
Isoken: Maybe he will wear it for one month before he changes it. Mumu boy.
Precious: Since then I no de gree shake his hands again. Inukwa.
Isoken: But sha, na girls own worse pass. That’s why I don’t normally suck their pvssy.
Precious: Eh, by the scent you will know the clean ones.
Isoken: Scent or no scent, I no suck. Before I suck HIV join.
Me: So Isoken, you’re saying you don’t suck pvssy abi?
Me: Then I hope you don’t expect them to suck your penis.
Isoken: Why won’t they suck my d!ck? Them drink kerosene?
Me: You see? Selfishness in its highest order. Its supposed to be do me I do you.
Isoken: Not in this one. Germs no too de dey for penis. But, vagina can harbor all kinds of James and John.
Precious: Darle, why are you even wasting your breath arguing with him? If he like, let him not bath for a year. Na for him pocket.
Just then, the door opened and Amina came in. Immediately, our faces lit up in anticipation of the news she came back with. She dropped her handbag on the table and started singing and dancing. After a while we couldn’t help but join her in the dance. When she got exhausted from the dance, we prodded her to tell us the outcome.
Amina: May Allah be praised.
We chorused Amen.
Me: So, has the guy given you the paper?
Amina: Which paper?
Precious: If na joke stop am. What do you mean by which paper?
Amina: He didn’t give me any paper na.
Isoken: You mean, he didn’t give you a copy of the question paper?
Amina: Am I carrying water in my mouth?
Me: So, why were you singing and dancing?
Amina: Because, I didn’t have to do anything with him, you see?
Precious: Nawao. You’re very mean o. You have just made me to expel the food I just took now.
Amina: Although, he insisted that if we want the copy, we will have to pay.
Isoken: How much?
Amina: 12 thousand Naira.
Precious: Say who die? Come, how much is sorting again?
Amina: Don’t even go there. You know you can’t sort this course.
Me: So that’s why you didn’t shake your bum bum well for him, okwaya?
Isoken: Abeg, make we free Amina. She no be material at all. Let’s just reason on how to raise the money.
Few days to the exam we paid for the copy of the exam question paper. While we were solving the questions, Precious was copying the answers on a piece of paper. I tried to dissuade his from carrying the expo inside the exam hall but all to no avail. On the D day, we entered the hall and started the exam. Well, nothing really happened inside the hall apart from the normal giraffing and changing of seats. From my seat, I saw Precious using his bullet codedly.
Finally, exam over. We filled out outside.
Precious: Mehn, we killed that shit.
Amina: One girl beside me didn’t allow me rest. I told her to change words sha.
Me: Precious, you get nkirikathey didn’t catch you with your omokirikiri.
Precious: No be today I start to dey use am na.
Isoken: Am happy at least, am sure of A+ on this paper.
As we were gisting and strolling towards the school motor park, I noticed precious has become awfully quiet.
Me: Precious, why are you quiet? Did you remember any question you didn’t answer?
Precious: Not really. I answered all.
Amina: Then what is it?
Precious: I think I submitted my answer sheet together with that expo.