It should have been like this episode 8

❤️ 💔 It Should Have Been Like This 💔

👩‍💻 Book Eight: painful memories 👩‍💻

💜 Lavender’s viewpoint 💜

I wanted to scre-m and yell from the earlier incident. I blame him for angering me and making me come after him. The fortunate reward is that he didn’t die, that should be good enough as sorry for him. But what I saw…

I gro-ned and sank into the car seat, fighting the urge to bury my face in my knees or turn to mud. As much as I was trying to be bold, I knew it wasn’t something I wanted to live with. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before, but I had always been a big time prude and it had been years since I saw a unclad man, especially one as well-built as him. I don’t know if it’s possible for him to get bigger, but it looked like he did and his muscles were…

Stop it!… I scre-med to myself… Get yourself together!

I glanced at my side when he gro-ned from pain. He was holding the back of his wa-ist, his eyes were with tears. He was in a wh0le lot of pain, and it was my fault… No, it was his fault, not mine.

God, why do I have a conscience!

The car pulled over in the garage, steady and slow. I didn’t wait for a second before I grabbed my bag and bolted. I ran into the house, almost forgetting in my haste that Serenity would be standing there and waiting. I was going to bulldoze her and hurt my baby. I pulled myself to a stop with a gasp, so close to running my daughter down. The funny thing is that she just blinked, totally unfazed.

“Serene,” I said under my breath. She squeezed her toy tightly and grinned.

“Jolly day, mother, isn’t it?”

“Yes, baby, swell,” I said sarcastically. She giggled and stretched her hands out. I smiled, dropped my bag and lifted her small body into my arms. I pressed my nose to her ears, causing her to giggle uncontrollably.

“Mommy, you know I’m ticklish,”

“That’s the point, my little sunflower,”

“Mommy, mommy, look what I drew!” Zayne shouted. I pushed my nose away from her ear to look down at my son. He was eagerly and excitedly holding up his coloring book, bouncing as if he was planning to rocket himself to the moon. In his book was a nice drawing of… You know that squirrel in ice age that is still chasing his nut till today? That’s the one.

“Wow, you drew that?” I gushed in awe. I slowly dropped Serenity, going down on my knees to get a closer look. The squirrel didn’t look exactly like it, but enough for me to know that it was the squirrel. I took the book and gently brushed my thumb over the drawing. “It’s beautiful, really, Zayne, I’m so proud of you.”

“I can be a artist, right, mom?” I nodded with equal excitement, tears brimming in my eyes. “I’ll practice h-rder so I can draw you and daddy too,” my smile faltered for a second but I covered it up quickly.

“Look, mom, I drew a donkey!” Serafina shouted excitedly. I looked over Zayne’s head and saw her own… Wow. “What do you think, mom?”

Is that a donkey or a carrot with three legs?

“Er… It’s… Urm…” Zachary burst into laughter, falling off the couch he was sitting on. Zyaire joined him while Serene tried not to laugh. Sera threw them a dirty look or maybe a scowl, she turned so I’m not sure. It only made them laugh more.

“Mom,” she snapped her head over to me and frowned, waving her book, “so?”

“It’s, creative,” I said evasively. She scoffed, “I don’t know what you want from me,” I sighed, hoping to stop myself from laughing.

“I’ll show dad, he’ll encourage me,” and with that, she ran pass me to meet her father. I stood up shaking my head. “Dad, look what I drew!”

“Five, four, three, two, one.” I counted. Rominic’s laugher boomed into the house, like a very funny thunder. That got the kids laughing hærd. I rolled my eyes and walked towards the stairs. Sera would bring my bag.

“Stop laughing! My donkey is offended!” I laughed as I ran up the stairs. The more I climbed, the lesser their voices became. The moment I stepped into my room and shut the door, I could no longer hear them. Sadness came upon me like a sudden fever. Every amusement or joy I had earlier was gone, not even the guilt or sheepishness. It was just simply sadness.

I strolled to my bathroom, hugging myself in deep sadness. It felt like I was being drowned and every means of air was shut out. My eyes stung like I hadn’t slept for days and my head suddenly felt like it was heavy. I turned on the faucet, pressed my weight into it and washed my face in splashes, hoping to get rid of the pain and sadness.

Why was I sad?

I wasn’t suppose to be sad, but maybe I was suppose to. My sadness was conflicted, that’s just it. Maybe it was because I felt lonely. I’d always felt lonely but kept it hidden by working and focusing on my children. But now they didn’t need me much and the reason for my loneliness was a finger away, it was gnawing at my heart. The questions I asked myself years ago came back. It had always been hidden in my head, but the earlier event unburied them.

Did I not love him enough?

I gave him everything I knew I could, I trusted him with my life. Even when my best friends told me that something wasn’t right about him, even when they got enough proof, I still didn’t believe them. I pushed them away, I ended my life time friendsh¡p for him. I said so many cruel words to my best friends just to defend him. What didn’t I try? Is it the insane s€× or the advices? Is it how supportive I was of him? Yes, I had my flaws, but I learnt to hide it for him or better it for him.

I never discouraged him once if the idea was great, instead, I helped him. I would stay up for nights, trying to assist him with thinking or just helping him be calm enough to think. I cooked, I cleaned, I adored and worsh¡pped him. No matter what cruel things he said when angry, I swallowed it and smiled like it never happened. It’s not nice to rate myself, but I knew deep in my heart and the very core of my soul that I did nothing wrong. I did everything that would make him fall in love with me, I tried my best.

My best was not enough.

The moment he had the chance, he threw me away, tossed my effort and memories like a dirty crumpled up paper. He threw my future away, threw my career and hope away. He ruined my life, he destroyed me. If it wasn’t for my babies, I would have ended my life. I was ready to die.

Rominic destroyed me.

I slipped to the floor, curling myself up as I let the pent up tears go. Every single thing I’d done for him, every single people I lost and threw away for his sake, it all came back. I miss my friends, I miss them so much. If they were there with me, it would have been better for me. They would have held me. My crazy Koala bear would have dragged me to a club with the gangs and force me to party until I collapse and the next day, I’ll feel much more better.

I can’t believe I did that to them.

“Lavender, you are so stupid,” I hated myself for being such a fool, for being a complete assh-le to those who stood by me when I was down. I hated the woman he made me be, I hated the woman I turned myself into. But most especially, I hate Rominic more.

~~~

I quietly ate at the dining table, not conversing with the kids or grumpy Rominic. He was still in pain and I felt so much better after crying because he deserves it. Crying reminded me of why I need to hate him, why I must show him no mercy for his wrong doings. Zachary and Serafina noticed it, but they didn’t do anything to question me and I was glad they didn’t.

“So, mommy, you’re quiet,” Zachary said, looking at me from the corner of his eyes. I sighed, he was ready to bother me.

“I’m tired,”

“So I’m guessing your day didn’t go so well,” Sera said, giving me her signature smirk. I rolled my eyes to Nic who grumbled something about me being an insufferable woman.

“Dad, how did your day go?”

“Bad, terrible and I blame your mother,”

“Seriously!” I gasped. He slammed his fork down and flared at me in furious annoyance.

“Yes, seriously. First, you almost lost your mind because of paperwork,” my cheeks burnt with embarrassment while the children giggled. Of course they knew about that pathetic part of their mother. It’s not easy to hide from smart kids like them. Also because I threw up when I got stuck in the children library at a parent meeting.

“Mom, you are still afraid of books?” Serenity giggled. I threw my hands up in defense.

“Books are evil, sue me.”

“No, you are the evil one,” Nic said with a heavy tone. Someone wanted me dead, seriously. “And during the book saga, she made a vow to do anything I want but she denied it and broke my wa-ist,” my eyes flew wide. I totally forgot about that part. I did not mean anything and I was grateful it was his words against mine.

“Okay, okay, just calm down,” it was like cold water was poured on me. He recorded everything, the cunning bastard got it on record!

“Promise you won’t drop me?”

“I swear I won’t drop you,”

“I’ll do anything you want from now on if you chase them away,” wow, is that how pathetic I sound?

“You won’t…”

“You can pluck all of Perry’s feathers and my eyebrows if I don’t do what you say,” I looked at my frowning children guiltily. Perry meant everything to them, especially to Zach. “please?”

“I’ll hold you on your words,” I knew it wouldn’t end well. In the end, the children would make me do whatever he wants because I raised them to be true to their words and not doing so meant them forcing me to. But, I still had a little hope that they would be at my side, not his or justice. “F-ck, it has gotten bigger and soft!”

“I said help m…” He quickly turned it off before the rest part played. All the children were grinning now. I gulped and shifted on my seat.

“I hope this Supreme Court will grant me a fair trial,” Rominic said with a small bow. I growled at him which he winked in return. I rolled my eyes with a scoff and back to the judges.

“Mother dearest, why did you use Perry?” Sera asked shrilly.

“Guilty as charged!” Zyaire shouted with joy. The children laughed.

“I don’t want to lose my feathers, do what he says,” Perry cut into their joyful laughter.

“There is no way I’m being his servant!”

“Hey, that’s a god idea!” Sera shouted with a clap of her hands. I gro-ned with frustration; they could not put me in that condition. I could easily yell at them, but I wasn’t use to scolding my babies.

“A wise woman once told us about honesty and nobility,” Zyaire said, dramatically placing his hand on his chest with eyes close. He peeled one eye open, spied at me and smirked, “know who that is?”

“But…”

“Oh, come on, mom, you can’t really be thinking of sacrificing my precious feathers for this, take responsibility for your err and show us what a good example of nobility is,” if I could turn him to bird soup, I would. I glared at him. I could already see myself snapping his feathers off until he was unclad. “Don’t look at me like that, it’s the truth.”

“But he would be selfish with this new power!” I cried.

“So? It’s your fault, not his,” Serafina said with a shrug. My eyes were almost bulging out of their sockets. I knew they would do it but I had this little hope that they would at least support the woman who carried then for nine months and nurse them all their freaking lives.

Why did I raise them to be so good and fair!

“Whatever, I’ll do it because you are begging me,” I folded my arms and looked at Nic. He had his palm on his chin, elbow on the table as he fetched amusement from me, a laughing smile on his face. “You think this is funny, don’t to?”

“Very,” he drawled amusedly, “and you wanna what’s going to he more amusing?”

“What?”

“The face you’ll be making in the next fifteen seconds,”

“And why would I make a face?”

“Because you’ll have a stroke from knowing that the contract will last a year, so, baby, you are stuck as my slave for a year,”

“And what makes you think I’ll listen to you?”

“Because you promised.” He held out his last counted finger and I did make the face. Whatever face I made, it made him burst into laughter, along with the children except Zachary.

“I won’t take this!” I scre-med, getting on my feet.

“If you can’t take it, then pay me,” he said, making a gesture to exaggerate his point. I folded my hands defiantly again.

“How much?”

“Ten million dollars,” my tiny brain almost exploded. I let out a loud startled screech, one that made them flinch.

“Even if I sell your entire generation, I won’t be able to afford that kind of money!”

“Hey!” Sera protested, “in case you have forgotten, mother, we are his generation,”

“And I’m offended that you think my babies aren’t worth more,” Nic knew what he was doing. Remember the part where he is very manipulative? Well, meet the cunning bastard I call Beau. I palmed my face, a sign of surrender. It was six against one. “So, my first order is for you to spend more time in my room, like move in instead of sleeping alone. I’m worried about you, Laverne, you shouldn’t be alone.” That did it. I leap across the chair to knock him down with my body and strangle him, but he was expecting it.

He caught me easily and spun my body to sit on his laps. I jerked on instinct, but his firm grip was locked on my wa-ist. My face was red from anger, not embarrassment.

How dare he lay a finger on me!

“Let go of me, you…”

“Mom,” oh, right, kids. “Dad is right, I don’t want you to be alone. I know what you did last night,” I froze. It was a good thing my back was turned to them or they would have seen my horror stricken face. “I’m a child, I can’t watch you, I will definitely sleep, but dad can.”

What did I do? I got depress and almost gave in to cutting myself. I don’t know what got into me, I woke up in the middle of the night, thought about my life and reacted to it.

“Mom, you always told us that we should always keep to our words, be true to it. What example are you setting now?” Serafina asked. “Mom, please,”

“Fine, whatever,” I grumbled. Deep down, I knew they were right. Rominic was the lightest sleeper I knew, he would always know when I stand up or stir. He could definitely keep an eye on me and it was a great opportunity to get access to his things.

It was settled then, I was going to sleep there.

~~~

I refuse to accept I was getting bubbles in my stomach because of him. I already made a pillow barrier between us and was pretending to be asleep. I listened to him walk around the room, trying my best to control myself. I wasn’t planning on sleeping on the floor, that was ridiculous.

He finally joined me in the bed and the first thing he did was toss the pillow at my head. I made a “oomph” at the impact but found myself smiling. It reminded me of the times we would have a fight and I would do the same thing. Like a particular one…

~~~Flashback~~~

He forgot my birthday, he freaking forgot it. I planned everything, baked a cake and cooked with plans to have a simple day with him. He promised he would come home, but he didn’t. I slept off waiting for him. So, I was ignoring him, pushing his damn ass away. For seven days, I’d given him the silent treatment, didn’t even cook for him and I wish I could leave his house but my anger wasn’t up to that level.

He got into the bed with a sigh, a very heavy one. I made sure to surround myself with pillows so he wouldn’t come close to me. He hadn’t even apologize and called my anger childish.

“It’s just a birthday,” he said.

“Laverne, are you till angry?” What a dumb question. I wasn’t smiling or talking to him and he was asking me that stupid question. I ignored him. Silent treatment meant no talking and if there’s one thing I know how to do, it was to snub. One pillow smacked my head, emitting a gro-n from my mouth.

I heard shuffling and thuds, meaning he was throwing away the pillows. I was tempted to look over my shoulder, but didn’t, that’ll be too obvious. I felt his heat behind me, just before his breath fanned my ear.

“Laverne, I know I hurt you, I know what I did was bad, but I have an explanation. There was that project I needed to handle, but despite that, it didn’t go too well. The machine exploded on me, some workers got hurt and I took it out on you, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forgotten about your day or say such mean words to you, I’m sorry.” His hand came up and cupped my br-ast.

I shrug my shoulder to get him off, but instead, he took my earlobe into his mouth. He was going to sed-ce the forgiveness out of me. I couldn’t let that happen. I elbow his stomach and pushed myself away from him. “Seriously! You made a mistake and instead of trying you want s€×! What is wrong with you, Rominic!”

He winced. “Beau, you ought to call me Beau,” he complained childishly. I sat up, pushed myself to rest on the headboard and folded my arms.

“If you had just explained, I would have understood, but what did you tell me? ‘Stop making a big deal out of it, it’s just a birthday,’, that’s what you said. You know fully well how important every celebration with you means to me, yet this is how you react. Do you always have to pour your frustration out on me? I’m your girlfriend, not your stress reliever. What do you take me for? Why must your anger always be on me? Is this why you convinced me to live with you, so I can suffer emotionally?”

“La…”

“No,” I shot out my hand, preventing his hand from touching me by smacking it. “You know fully well that aside from my friends, no one have ever been there for me. They are not around at the moment and you promised them you would make my day special, you promised me that you won’t leave me alone. You know how my birthdays make me feel! You know how emotionally traumatize it leaves me remembering that I am alone and my mother freaking died on this day! Yet you left me alone and even yelled at me about it!” He moved quickly and wrapped his arms around me. I kicked and scre-med, trying to push him off me but he wouldn’t let go.

He pressed my head to his chest tenderly, threw his leg over mine and pinned me down. “I’m sorry, I should have been more careful, I’m sorry. You are not alone, Laverne, you are not someone I plan to pour my frustrations on. I promise you, I will change that, I’ll learn to handle you with better care, please, give me one more chance.” Maybe because it was the fact that he cried or the fact that his words were genuine, I cried in his arms and that was the day I truly did give my heart completely to him.

End_Of_Flashback

He did make up for his mistake, he changed and learnt to not pour his anger on me, he was just too perfect. We fought, we argued but we still made up. It was pretty normal to me. If only I knew he was playing me, it was all an act. How did he act so well? How was he able to put up an act for that long? Not one day did he falter, except for when we newly met.

How didn’t he feel even a spark?

I was a joke to him. All those time I would walk into the house and find Peyton there, all those time she would excuse herself and he would just have to go take a call or do something else, all those time walking into our bedroom to find them on our bed but believing that they were just hanging, he was messing with me. They were having s€×, k-ssing and laughing at how foolish I was. From the very beginning, I was nothing to him.

Now, I let him have my children because it was the right thing to do, because they deserve a better life. I sniffed as tears rolled out of my eyes and soak the pillow. Memories after memories. On our freaking engagement, he slept with her. I let him because he told me she got into a fight with the boyfriend I’d never met, he had to be with her, and I let him go.

Foolish, naive, too good for my own good. He took advantage of my kindness and generosity, took advantage of my better judgement and did everything he wanted to do. I was never jealous of her, I loved her, I cared about her. To me, she was his best friend too and was there for him before I came. I didn’t want to be that girl that separates her boyfriend from his bestie, I even made myself believe she came first in his life. I was okay with it, I liked it that way, as long as he loved me too.

I didn’t complain.

I didn’t hate her.

I took care of her.

She was a sister to me.

Yet, I was a joke.

I couldn’t breathe, my tears was suffocating me. The air was thin and boy was it hot. I sat up, very much aware that he was still awake and watching me. The tears wouldn’t stop falling. He made me sick, his existence made me sick. And yes, I was thinking of murder, but not for him, for me.

“La…”

“Don’t, please,” I pleaded, coughing at the end as I cried. “Don’t come close to me,” I pushed the duvet off and stood up wobbly. I took in a deep breath and laughed sardonically. “I’m sure you think you have succeeded, but I want to remind you that you haven’t. As long as my memories remind me of every single lies, every facade, every wrong you did to me, I would never forgive you. And I swear, Rominic Verlice, I will find a way to kill you, even if it’s the last thing I do. Enjoy your life while you have it.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Sorry? For what? Lying to my face for almost two years. Sorry for all the times you slept with the woman I took as a friend, as a sister, as a brother. Sorry for all the times I worried for her not knowing what you two were doing behind my back, not knowing how much of an amusement I was to you. She came first, I told myself that. She was more important, I was second but it was okay, as long as you still love me. Seeing you two on my bed was okay, you were friends. You leaving on our engagement was okay, she was traumatize. You abandoning me on our first anniversary is nothing, she was in pain,” I laughed again, “what a joke.” A big one.

I left it at that, picked up a dry pillow and walked over to the chaise lounge, my new bed. I dropped the pillow and threw myself on chair. I made sure to turn my back so I wouldn’t have to see him.

I’ll kill you, Rominic, just you wait.

💔

💔

💔

💔

To be continued