Opana - The Coffin Maker

Opana the coffin maker Episode 4

Opana – Episode 4
© Akoto Alexander
Customer 2: We will be back tomorrow God willing with the full amount and please kindly keep to your promise by keeping the coffin safe for us.
Opana: Don’t worry you will come and meet it safe and well packaged for you people to take home.
Customer 1: Thanks very much, the person who recommended you to us didn’t exaggerate about your work. We shall be back by noon tomorrow.
Opana: Thanks for your compliment and I will be looking forward to meeting you tomorrow with the full amount. Have a nice day and tell your friends and family about my great works.
Customer 1: We will always recommend people to you to boost you clients level.
(The customers take leave from the coffin shop)
Opana: This calls for celebration ooo, herh too much knowledge won’t ever depart from my small head ooo. This coffin actually belongs to no one and has been occupying space in my shop in here for over 11months now, the rejected stone has today become the corner stone. Opanyin Kwasi Asomani refused to take that same coffin even when I reduced it to him to the lowest price I have ever sold any of my coffins and later went to buy from Efo. I think I should call it a day here in the shop and go and get myself some fresh palmwine drinks from Kofi Adu’s joint, where are this foolish boys even? Who is there?
Apprentice Number 3: Its me sir, please do you want me to do anything for you?
Opana: Yes go and help your seniors to bring down the coffin they are carrying on their heads and come back with them over here.
Apprentice Number 3: (rushes and comes back with his seniors who are sweating badly) Sir please here we are.
Opana: Hahaha see how you fools are sweating like you just escaped from jail on foot, am leaving the shop to see some chainsaw operators to strike some important deals with them on some woods I want them to supply to this shop. Now you take this money to my wife and tell her prepare “Kokonte” with bush meat and “Katekonto” soup(groundnut mixed with cocoyam leaves), come back early to finish with the sandpaper work you are doing on that coffin.
(hands over 100 cedis to his apprentice)
Apprentice 3: Okay sir but please should I board a car to your house?
Opana: No board a train, make sure you deliver the money intact to my wife personally and return here immediately. Also make sure you don’t engage any of my daughters in any conversation, am spitting on the ground and if you return and the saliva is dried up I will send you back to your parents, now get out of my sight.
Apprentice 3: Okay sir I will be back in a jiffy.(runs out of the shop to deliver the money)
Opana: Now you two am mandating you as seniors here in this shop to take very good care of this place, I have set spies here and if am given any negative complaints upon my return then you guys will have yourself to blame because I won’t hesitate to sack you from my shop. All the same I will find time to deal with the pregnancy issues but am making you a very sincere promise that I won’t follow your family to any ladies house to beg on your behave and from today the little upkeep money I give to you, I will stop doing so and gather it for the ladies so that next time you will learn how to use that stick in between your legs wisely. Anyone who comes looking for me should be giving my contact number to call me and if am not back till you close, see to it that the shop is well locked and the keys kept safely. Do I make myself clear?
All Apprentices: Yes sir
(Opana leaves his shop and places a call to someone then gives some directives and after that gives a devilish smile)
Meanwhile in the a bush behind the town cemetary some young guys of the town had converge to plan on how to deal with someone.
Fred Yeboah: Guys I called you here this morning to ask for your assistance, I want you to deal with someone on my behalf and if possible I want you to eliminate him for the gross embarrassment I received from that person.
Skido: (in a horsey voice due to excessive smoking and drinking) My guy who do you want us to eliminate from this world for you. You know killing is our hobby and that is what we do for a living.
Fred Yeboah: Erm I believe you know that canning old man who sells coffins down the road.
Ras Nene: Yeah I know him so why do you want us to eliminate him and how much will you pay us when we take his life away from him?
Fred Yeboah: Mmmm you see that man belittled me and made me look like a fool in the presence of my family who respected me very much.
Skido: Ah then he deserves to die an ugly death without any mercy or favour. When do you want this exercise to take place and how much would you pay us?
Fred Yeboah: I want it done today and I will pay you handsomely after you eliminate him and come along with a white envelope you see on him. He usually uses this route on Monday’s and since today is a Monday he will pass here to the palmwine joint behind the market, you can ambush him before he gets to his intended destination and please make sure you do it today without anyone seeing you because if you are caught I will bluntly deny ever knowing you or having a deal with you.
Atongo: Ah you this guy paa ebi you wey you go teach us how we go do wanna work? You nor how many people we give visa go ancestral world? Make sure the money you go take have we be intact because if you try any funny move after we do this work finish I personally go chop your body small small take give you make you chop.
Fred Yeboah: Do your job and leave the rest to me, please no long stories and make sure the job is done today and in a very professional way.
Skido: Would you come here if we were not good with the job? Just keep to your side of the deal and everyone will be okay. Now let’s get going everyone, we have a mission to accomplish.
Fred Yeboah: We will meet here in the next 3 or 4hours to do sharing of the money. Good luck
Opana smiles at himself as he reflects on the money that came his way today and the one yet to come his way. He branches into a drinking bar and orders for 6tots of a locally made bitter which he calls “bie gya bitters” and hits the road again, he throws some of the chewing gum he seized into his mouth and whistles to himself the song of Kwabena Kwabena’s – Adult music. About 15minutes of walking he gets to a lonely house and before entering he surveys around the place if no familiar face is following him or is around. He enters the house and knows on a door which opens immediately.
Kuukua Nhyiraba: (with a frowned face) So why the delay Mr Lover boy? I taught you won’t come again and was planning to drop your food in the fridge. I took my time to prepare you your favourite meal “plantain and garden eggs stew with Koobi and eggs” even though you have refused to give me the money I want to start doing business with.
Opana: Woman you talk too much, your man is in so first give me a warm welcome, serve my afternoon meal then possibly after you can start nagging. Am starving already and you are hear talking plenty, can’t you see how am sweating already.
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Am sorry please, let me serve your meal and after take a little shower but mind you, no dess**t after your meal because am on s€× strike until further notice (she serves Opana his food and right infront of him she undress herself to the full glare of Opana to ar-use his s€×ual feelings)
Opana: (taking food to his mouth and his eyes comes in contact with the unclad personality infront of him, he swallows the plantain without chewing it) Kuukua thou shall not tempt your man your love. Never impede him with his s€×ual satisfaction for that will make him to look elsewhere.
Kuukua Nhyiraba: As if I care, you eyes will is Canaan but your legs will never touch that place my dear. Am on s€× strike. (walks out to shower)
Opana: (speaks to himself) So why are women so wicked? Does it mean if my mouth promises to give you money and it’s not ready the youngman between my legs should also be deprived of his food? Poor men are really suffering, let me quickly finish my food because I have a world cup quantifying series to play.
(Kuukua walk back in looking very fresh and smiling so good and sweet)
Kuukua Nhyiraba: I can see you are done, let me dress up and go and see you off.
Opana: That won’t be a problem madam, you don’t have to stress yourself since you just to your shower. I know my way out but before I leave I want you to know that I love you and if my wife dies any moment from now it’s you I will marry but you like too much money. I don’t know what is wrong with you this Fanti ladies in my life, never use s€× as a bait for me because I can get it from a lot of place.
Kuukua Nhyiraba: (feeling jealous) Then go and have it from there and leave me alone. Are they able to give it to you the way I give it to you?
Opana: (deeps his hand into his pocket and brings money out) You see I like you for 3 things, first you are hærd-working, second beautiful and a good cook and lastly you are not just s€×y but very good in bed. You asked for five hundred cedis(500cedis) to start a new business, here am giving you one thousand cedis (100ocedis) to let you know that justice delayed is not justice denied, the money I was expecting wasn’t ready and that was the reason why it delayed, I will see you later.
Kuukua Nhyiraba: (feeling a bit ashamed of herself) Baby not so fast, I have a new style reserved for you in bed but was just testing your patience if you were going to use force to demand s€× from me. You know I love you and how you pamper me especially on that bed, I miss you and can’t wait for you to enter me.
Opana: (pretends like he’s not interested) Not today please, my libido has been cut off with what you said earlier on.
Kuukua Nhyiraba: (drops the cloth on her) Not even when I expose my unclad body to you? Can you reject this things your eyes are seeing on my body?
Opana swiftly pounces on Kuukua and they find themselves on the bed but before another request comes from Kuukua
Kuukua Nhyiraba: Baby please even though am so desperate to have you in,side me am not safe and I don’t want to get pregnant since am now coming to start a new business with the money you gave me shortly.
Opana: Don’t worry my sweet potato, I came very much prepared, I seized somethings from a guy who owes me and surprisingly he had your favourite c-ndom in his pocket so I took possession of it knowing very well the agenda I had ahead of me coming to your place.
(Opana goes for the pack of c-ndom and in the next 2hours, it was a fire for fire encounter between the 2 people)
Kuukua Nhyiraba: My real African man, lion among men!!! Eeeeiiii you this man you never grow old. See how you rode me like a mad stallion, you didn’t even give me a breathing space. Hmmmm the engine in,side you is that of a 25years youngman.
Opana: Hmmmm but the ladies don’t believe me when I tell them that am young in,side, they see me as an oldman when I make advances towards them.
Kuukua Nhyiraba: (a bit angry) Which ladies are you talking about? Does it mean that you are cheating on me with some other ladies?
Opana: (smiles) Relax my dear because you are also stealing from my wife. Am very much okay with what you and my wife give me so don’t worry my dear for no other lady will enjoy what you and my wife are enjoying. Let me be on my way now since my boys might be fooling around in the shop by now.
Kuukua Nhyiraba: If you say so my Lord but I must confess you really rocked me this afternoon and please let it continue like this for me always. Thank you for the money also, I will make good use of it.
Opana leaves Kuukua Nhyiraba’s place to the palmwine joint and as he walks through the lonely path, he hears someone ordering him to stop or his head be blown off from the trees close by.
Opana: (speaks within him, who the hell is ordering me to stand still) Oh you youngmen of today don’t respect elderly people erh.
Skido: (walks out from the trees with his friends behind him) You still have mouth to talk even though your life is in our hands?
Atongo: Talk am make he nor say he dey play extra time for his life wey eh lef for this earth top.
Opana: (scared but mastered courage to speak with the guys) What do you mean by telling me that I am playing extra time on this earth youngman, do you by chance know who you are standing infront of this afternoon?
Ras Nene: My guy let me fire him and let’s get out of here before someone sees us here.
Atongo: Yeah do am quick make we lef here, shoot am for ehn head make we go.
Opana: (takes a fast step) Ah are you guys amateur in this business? You have been hired by some fools or a fool to take my life and you come to me with this old fashioned locally made gun? Have you not been in this game for long?
Skido: Shut up old man and start saying your last prayer if you know how to pray even.
Opana: See this gun is not that effective and how sure are you that even offloading all the bullets in this gun on me, I will even die?
Skido: What do you mean by that?
Opana: (smiles in his head as he realises that he plan is on course) See this locally manufactured guns can’t penetrate people very well especially when the victim is a bit far from where you take the shot and in most cases the victims don’t die. Right now if I survive don’t you think I have seen your faces and it will be very easy for me to come with the police to chase after you? How much at all did the person or people who hired you to eliminate me give you? Don’t you think the person or people will deny you when the police apprehend you?
Ras Nene: What are you trying to insinuate old man?
Opana: See for most of us who are coffin makers we don’t go about without spiritual backing from different sources and if you like shoot at me and see if even the gun can fire any bullet out. Even when it does the bullet will only bounce back to you and hit the part that you aimed at me.
Ras Nene: Okay let me try and see if it will do as you say.
Opana: (quickly cuts in) Are you that stupid youngman, will you survive it if what I said happens to be true and besides would you like to wa-ist you bullet on yourself?
Skido: Old man what are you driving at?
Opana: All am saying is that am giving you a chance for us to be friends or you stand a chance to dig your own grave which I will help you to fall in. Your guns for this mission is below standard and it will put you in serious trouble very soon and am sure who ever hired you didn’t even pay you much money looking at you faces. Ignore the mission let me go and spoil you with palmwine and I can even give you some free coffins if any of you die through this stupid work.
Atongo: Hey make you nor try insult we, who wey eh talk you say we go die very soon.
Opana: For you anytime you talk I feel like vomiting because you can’t even speak proper english and you are equally not handsome, I wonder if you even have a girlfriend and if you do how your face looks like when you are about to ej×c×late.
Skido: Oh yawa oooo, Atongo the old man has murdered you with words oooo.
Atongo: Massa if you talk trash for there again I go take the matche wey dey my hand to chop your head.
Opana: Oh don’t get mad at me for telling you the truth, all the same will you people accept my friendly offer or you would like to witness what I told you about.
Rad Nene: Guys we can’t betray the person who hired us you know.
Opana: Well if you still want to try then who will take the shot and die after that.
Ras Nene: Atongo take the shot so we go.
Atongo: Like I fool papa, eno be you wey ebi the best shooter for here.
Ras Nene: Skido then do it since you are the boss.
Skido: Have you forgotten that my girlfriend is heavily pregnant and will be delivering very soon.
Opana: Ah so none of you want to die right now and you took the contract to eliminate me. Blackman with yellow sense, follow me so I sponsor you with some nice fresh throat quenching palmwine from my friend down there. Am “Opana the rough boy”
Skido: (consults his friends and speaks) So if we decide to follow you do you promise to keep our little encounter a top class secret?
Opana: Ah do I look like a small boy to you? Whatever happened here remains here but you will have to do something for me later. Hope it’s a deal.
Skido: Its a deal Opana.
Ras Nene: Opana ooo Opana!!! Opana ooo Opana!!!
Opana: (shooting his finger in the air) Am the one and only, anyone who has that name is a duplicate and anyone who tries to depict me is a refabrication. I am Opana “the rough boy”, let’s hit the road my new friends.
Atongo: Opana you do all wai, I dey feel you pass.
Opana: Don’t worry I will buy you a facial make-up kit for you to look a bit handsome.
Atongo: No problem la, I go wait for you make you take dat thing come.
Opana: (smiles and makes the cross sign on his face as he had escaped death narrowly) I will spoil you guys with palmwine and bush meat pepper soup today as we get to the joint.
They all walked together to the palmwine joint and as promised Opana ordered for countless bottles of drinks and bowls of pepper soup for his new friends and when they had drunk much and lost control of their tongue Opana then executed his master plan on the guys.
Opana: So Skido, Atongo and Ras Nene how are you guy feeling?
Atongo: You do all my guy, I dey feel eye red. It’s been long since some bro take me go out to spread me this way, herh you make my day so fabulous.
Skido: Boss in fact you have really suprised me with such a mindblowing treat this afternoon, I don’t remember the last time I had enough to drink and chew like today.
Ras Nene: Opana you be champion!!! Opana you be too much!!! Opana you be guy!!! Opana you be don!!! Opana you be baron!!! Opana you do all!!! Opana the rough boy!!! I salute you and take my cap off for you, I didn’t know you were going to this party for us this afternoon. I only taught you were going to buy 2 or 3 bottles for us and that is all, little did I know it was going to be 1. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16…….
Opana: (cuts in) It’s okay my strong youngmen, I am a man of my word and I don’t go against my words. We haven’t even started yet my gallant men, but wait oooo who is the brain behind the mission you embarked on or should I say who sent you to eliminate me and how much did the person pay you and I hope it’s not Efo my rival in the coffin business?
Atongo: Boss I swear say if I nor say ebi you like I nor go bother my body say I dey come search for you even sef.
Skido: Sir please do you know any guy called Fred Yeboah?
Opana: Fred Yeboah? I don’t know anyone with that name and I don’t remember anyone with that name also.
Ras Nene: Erm what about Kwame Fred?
How to grow your business while you stay at home
Opana: (tries to reflect on the name) Oh okay I now remember the person with that name and I have seen the reason why he wants me dead my boys.
You can’t imagine what Opana has got to say to the contract killers!!!
To be continued.

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