Opana the coffin maker episode 9

Opana – Episode 9
 
© Akoto Alexander
 
Akua Yankey: (tries to put Opana’s dress in the laundry bag and money(50cedis notes) drops from his pocket) So this man has gotten such money on him and that has led him to drink himself to stupor. Well this is the opportunity for me to enrich myself a bit because even if I ask him of money the next morning he will give excuses of not having money and moreover Kwaku Mike said he needs money to do something urgently, it could be work related and I have to help him out at all course because his father sees him as a liability in this house now. Let me take like a thousand cedis(1000) of it, I will give part to Mike and start some small business with the rest. If he wakes up tomorrow and he complains I will just remind him of the state he came home last night and also let me drop the dress close to him so that he doesn’t suspect me of theft. God please forgive me for what am about to do because I have never stolen from my husband ever since I started sharing a room with him but sometimes “when the going gets tough the tough gets going”. I promise never to engage myself in such act again through Jesus Christ our saviour.
 
Next Morning:
 
Opana: Why is my head aching me like this?
 
Akua Yankey: (walks in with coffee) Why won’t you head ache you as you came home drunk and was fuming at everyone like a pig who has just put to birth.
 
Opana: (seeing the treatment his wife is giving him and he falls in love with her all over again) Is that so my Queen? I don’t even know how I got home last night ooo, but I must confess your are looking very young and hot this morning paa ooo.
 
Akua Yankey: Hehehe are you sure the alcohol you took isn’t still controlling you?
 
Opana: Ah why that question my Queen?
 
Akua Yankey: Did you just address me as your Queen?
 
Opana: Of course that is what you heard coming out from my mouth.
 
Akua Yankey: Mmmm I thought I heard you wrongly when you first mentioned that word because for over 30years now I don’t remember the last time you used that adjective to qualify me. I remember vividly that ever since you got to know that am pregnant for you that word vanished from you dictionary. Well if the palmwine you took last night is responsible for this sweet words then I myself will go to the joint and buy you bottles upon bottles because I miss those sweet moments when you were chasing after me and using those words to lure me into a relationsh¡p.
 
Opana: Women and sweet things, don’t you know after elections there is no campaign. If not for the headache am feeling like I will just give it to you here and now in a very powerful way.
 
Akua Yankey: Is that so? Well you can rest while I ride you, you know I haven’t lost touch of my experience and it’s been months that you touched me. The doctors who come to sit on the television say s€× is even a therapy which cures headaches, relieves stress, gives a healthy heart and makes a person’s day brighter.
 
Opana: Then am all yours my Queen. Take me to paradise right this moment.
 
In the next 2hours Opana and his wife engage themselves in a highly rated world cup finals which got both of them emotionally and physically satisfied. But do you also know that good s€× makes people apologise for things they haven’t done yet and also say things they never dreamt of disclosing to people? If you think am exaggerating you can try and see.
 
Opana: Akua my sweet potato, my first lady, the mother of my children, commander of my emotions, the owner of my heart and the controller of my life.
 
Akua Yankey: Eeeeiiii so are all this sweet words are for me alone? Well am sorry for whatever I also did to you or am yet to do to you. Please always find a place in your heart to forgive me anytime I wrong you.
 
Opana: I have heard you my dear. Let me freshen up and move to my office.
 
Akua Yankey: Okay then let me also quickly prepare your breakfast for you. But with this lovely reunion you must go with me to church this Sunday to thank the Lord.
 
Opana: My dear are you reading my mind? This Sunday am going to resume church after taking an indefinite leave. Let’s just pray for strength and life on that day my dear. Please hurry up with my breakfast.
 
Opana comes out of his bedroom to meet his breakfast ready. He waste no time in making justice to it and leaves the house for his shop. Before he gets to the shop he hears loud noise coming from his workshop so he doubles his steps only to meet a riot there.
 
Opana: (scre-ming on top of his voice) Hey what the hell is going on here? Who are this stupid girls fighting in my shop this early morning? Are you girls mad or you are now running mad? Does this place look like the Bukom Boxing Arena? Now tell me why you want to pull my shop down with you cacophonic noise and tantrums? Now you slim lady who are you and where from you?
 
Slim Lady: I am Ohema Nash and am from this town.
 
Opana: And what about you fat lady and why are you intimidating the other lady?
 
Fat Lady: Am Mama Gee and also from this town. This girl like a sugar cane has been chasing after my man and today I came to meet her collecting money from my man, I tried to collect the money my man gave her and she was proving stubborn so I decided to put her in her rightful position.
 
Slim Lady: You liar and cheap slut, so after introducing my man to you, you passed behind me to date him and you have the nerves to relate to him as your man. Your man indeed, ooooh ashawo without certificate.
 
 
Fat Lady: I will slap you if you don’t keep quite you broomstick. Is me that he says he wants and not you. Men like meat and not bones, you……..
 
Opana: (scre-ming on top of his voice)Now will you 2 stupid girls keep quite before I slap the foolishness out you people. Don’t you have respect for your elders? Am here and you still want to pick up a fight. If you are so desperate to fight go to the school field and start your fight there and not in my shop. You, you said you are called Mama Gee and you too you said you are Ohema Nash. Did your parents give you this useless names and who are your parents even?
 
Mama Gee: My mother is Awo Yaa, the woman who sells hair dye at the entrance of the market and she gave me the name Georgina Maame Mireku but I prefer to be called Mama Gee.
 
Opana: Wow beautiful, now what about you Ohema Nash?
 
Slim Lady: My name is Ohenewaa Natasha and my father and mother operates the chop bar at the market square.
 
Opana: Wonderful, both of you clap for yourselves. Do you hear how stupid you people are sounding? You left the comfort of your homes to fight for just an apprentice here in my shop but before I forget who is the man that you people want to kill yourselves for?
 
Slim Lady: My lover boy is the owner of this shop and he is Yaw Manu.
 
Opana: Awww my God!!! Me p3 why did you decide to send me this problematic baboon as an apprentice? We haven’t solved your 3 pregnancy issues and you are still here to increase our problems. Yaw Manu let me ask you and please answer me with the truth, are you a cursed person or rejected person from the land of the gods? It seems you hold a PhD in deceiving this small small girls and I don’t know what they see in you.
 
 
1st Apprentice: Master it is only this shop that you see and regard me as hopeless but outside there they see me as a boss and a 5star General in the world.
 
Opana: May thunder locate and fire your mouth. I think I have had enough of your problems and issues, go home for I have suspended you indefinitely and if I want or need you, I will send for you. Now leave my presence before I do something nasty to you
 
1st Apprentice: Fire burn all my enemies of progress, PhD people (pull him down), nobody can kill my shine no matter what happens. You can delay my blessings and happiness but you can’t take my Destiny and promotion from me.
 
Opana: Is that stupid comment been directed to me?
 
1st Apprentice: He who the cap fit, let him wear it. All the people who wish my downfall will live to see my greatness and will even come before me for mercy and favour pretty soon.
 
Opana: (picks a hammer close to him and signals his boys to capture their senior apprentice for him) Are you now running? Foolish fool, idiot, imbecile, b******, dimwit, you should have stand there to also listen to what I have got to say, like I will rearrange your teeth for you. Now listen to me all of you, anytime he comes here without me inviting him over, you can attack him and deal with him for me, I will reward the person who is able to do that handsomely. Now go back to what you were doing before that mistake of a creation called for your attention.
 
All Apprentices: We have heard you loud and clear boss.
 
Opana sits in his usual corner of the shop and counts the money on him but after counting the money severally he realises that the money on him has reduced drastically. He starts to run a quick data check on his expenses the previous night and he can’t simply calculate the amount he spent the previous night but he knew very well that, the money he spent last night doesn’t tally with the money left on him. After contemplating for close to an hour a devilish smile engulfed his face.
 
OPANA’S LIVING ROOM:
 
Akua Yankey: Kwaku Mike you know all my life, I have vowed to do everything in my capacity to place you on a standard that you will be respected amongst your peers. You haven’t told me the exact reason why you need the money but I have gone to borrow money from a friend of mine for you. Make good use of the money I will give you and let something positive come out of it.
 
Michael Ansah: Mummy you have always been a solid force behind me. You are the only person on earth that understands me very well and I promise to make you proud some day to come.
 
Akua Yankey: I have trust and hope in you because you are my only son and first child. Your little ones will always look up to you as a mentor and a role model that is why I always do my best to position you well amongst your siblings. I need not remind you that there is a big challenge ahead of you since you are a man, for your sisters they will definitely get men to marry them and send them to their houses. If the name of your father will stay on this earth then it depends on the path you toll. Your father doesn’t hate you but he wants the best for you, he wants to see you been a man and taking full responsibility of your manly rights. I will reserve my comments for now and see what difference you will bring on board in the days ahead.
 
OPANA’s SHOP
 
Opana: I know nobody will own up if I put up a simple question to the folks back home as to who have uninvitedly taken a tour in my pocket but I have gotten my prime suspect and I know how am going to make the person confess to me in a very professional way. I am still in a very comfortable lead. Hahahahahahaha!!!! Opana “the rough boy”, am too much………….
 
____
 
Opana: I will pretend as if am drunk again tonight and get a better confirmation so I know the next step to take. If you smell what Opana is cooking like you will get your bowl ready to be served.
 
The rest of the day went on smoothly but Opana nutured and haboured pain in him as he reminisced on what happened to him the previous day, he left the shop to the palmwine joint to drink his head off but today he drunk with caution so that he wouldn’t exceed his drinking limit. Before he left he bought extra 2bottles to take home and some few meters to his house he pretended that he was helplessly drunk. He got home to meet his wife at the living room watching a kumawood movie and laughing at the funny display of Akrobeto and Kwadwo Nkansah Lil Wayne.
 
Akua Yankey: Not again Kofi, why have you decided to take this path? You came home heavily drunk last night and today too you have repeated it again, I know things aren’t going on well for you in this house but drinking won’t solve the problem either. All the same as someone goat dies, someone’s pot also smells good. Let me feed you and bathe you after that, I thought you will come home with happiness judging from what happened this morning. We could have played the grand finally this evening as you had manage to make me few like a 25years lady within. All the same it will happen at the right time.
 
Akua Yankey again puts the bottles of palmwine in the fridge and feeds her husband then takes him to the bathroom and bathe him. She brought him back to the bedroom and lies next to him on the bed admiring the love of her life sleep like a new baby without any worries or problems. After admiring him for a while she felt asleep and woke up at half past 4am, as she stood up to do her morning chores, she saw some cedi notes at the br-ast pocket of her husband and quickly she got tempted and took some reasonable amount of notes from the money in the pocket. She pleaded with God for forgiveness as she hid the money in her p-nt.
 
Fast forward:
 
Opana wakes up to meet breakfast in bed. He ate, took his bath and before he left the house, he throws a mindblowing question to his wife and children at the living room.
 
Opana: For sometime now I have come to realise that the money I always bring home keeps reducing the next day. If you know you are the one you better start confessing in a matured and professional way for me to forgive the person.
 
Bernice Ansah: Papa since when did stealing take effect in this house? You know when you leave or mistakenly drop your money in this house, you come back to meet your thing so where from this conception.
 
Akua Yankey: (feeling guilty but had to play a tough person) Say it again my daughter, his money started dwindling the very moment he started coming home late and drunk. Who knows whether you spent it on those drunkards or you even gave it out to a new girl you have gotten out there?
 
Opana: So you think I will come home drunk if truly I have gotten myself a new girlfriend huh? Not to worry, since I know now that the spirits of the people I sell coffin to, come and pay me a visit and liquidate my finances, I know what to do. “If the hunter has learnt how to shoot without missing his target, the bird will also learnt to fly and not to perch on any tree branch”.
 
Akua Yankey: I hope you haven’t landed yourself with a girl or planning to get one because I won’t allow that, not even for a day.
 
Bernice Ansah: Yes I support you mummy. We won’t allow anyone to share our father with you as you are still alive, strong and beautiful.
 
Akua Yankey: Thank you my daughter for standing behind me, I know I have a battalion to stand and fight for me.
 
Opana: Now am been robbed in my own house and the culprits decide to rebel against me? I know my suspects and soon I will come chasing after them. For you Adjoa Bernice I don’t really trust you and I will say you are my prime suspect followed by your elder brother. Leticia and Deborah are in school so they are out of this hunt, if you know you are behind this theft issue just confess to me so I drop my charges and plans right here and now.
 
Michael Ansah: Papa the fact that I have kept mute all this while doesn’t mean I am guilty or I know anything about what is going on. Please I beg of you not to involve me in this issue of yours.
 
Opana: Don’t worry my good people, I just know what to do which has kept me in a very comfortable lead because before any of you think then I have thought. Remember I came to the world long before any of your saw the sunlight.
 
Opana storms out of the house in great furry to his shop. When he gets there the first thing he did was to count the money left on him to see how much was taken from him today by his suspect.
 
Opana: (whispering to himself) So my wife Akua Yankey thinks she is smart but she doesn’t know that am faster and way smarter than her. My plan is just unfolding itself just the way I want it and soon she will fall into my trap like a mouse and when I grab her, she won’t get any excuse to give.
 
Three Days On:
 
Opana goes to a place to enquire if what he ordered for is ready.
 
Opana: Hello my brother, I saw your missed calls and I trust my things are ready?
 
Pharmacist: Oh yes I have managed to get some for you even though it wasn’t easy. The way you made me suffer you have to increase the money for me ooo?
 
Opana: Hahahaha don’t worry my brother, you have done well so I will also make you smile so that when next I call on you, you will gladly assist me. Now add a pack of a scented c-ndom to it for me.
 
Pharmacist: Okay sir, I have just what you want so let me pack your stuff for you, I made the thing three instead of the two you ordered.
 
Opana: (seeing some other boxes of drugs on the pharmacist counter) Ah you know how to do correct transactions paa ooo but if I may ask, what medicines are this because the packaging looks nice and I perceive they are pretty expensive looking at it.
 
Pharmacist: Oh you are right, they are miscellaneous antibiotics used in treating STD infections. This one here is Metronidazole, this is Tindamax, this too is Tinidazole and the last one is Flagyl 375. They are very effective when one takes it, no matter the infection it will flush it out from your system but just that they are very expensive. Am waiting for the person who ordered for it to come for it and pay me.
 
Opana: So how much are we talking about here?
 
Pharmacist: About four hundred and eighty five cedis (485.00).
 
Opana: Wow, people are really suffering under their clothes, let me pay you and be on the way but remember to keep our little transaction very discreet. You can keep the balance and thanks very much for your assistance.
 
Pharmacist: Am very grateful sir, I am always at your humble service my boss. Thanks so much.
 
After some minutes someone walks out from the inner room of the shop, sweating like he was been chased by a mob.
 
Michael Ansah: Herh that was close, he nearly caught me.
 
Pharmacist: Who are you talking about?
 
Michael Ansah: Am talking about the man who just left your shop, he is my father and if he caught up with me here and asked me what I was doing here like I won’t get any answer for him but what did he come here to do.
 
Pharmacist: (remembers the last request of Opana to keep their transaction discreet) On that man, he came to buy his favourite c-ndom because he said he has a though game with his wife at home and he doesn’t want any more children so he is playing safe.
 
Michael Ansah: Lol!!! My father will never grow old, I have been hearing of their night crusades in their room sometimes and I become jealous most at times because I sleep alone.
 
Pharmacist: My friend give me my money and be on your way home. Instead of thinking on how to cure yourself, you are here fantasizing on what two matured people are doing in the room. You sleep alone but have contracted STD!!!
 
Michael Ansah: My firend respect yourself oooo, the fact that you have helped me acquire this drugs doesn’t mean you can tell me that nonsense.
 
Opana goes back to the palmwine joint again and just takes a bottle of it and again orders for his usual 2bottles to be taken home. Some few meters to his house he positions the item he bought at the pharmacy shop well in his pocket and brings the c-ndom pack out, he tears and leaves one c-ndom in his pocket, he again gave a devilish smile and changes his walking to his house………
 
What could be down the sleeves of Opana?
 
How to grow your business while you stay at home
What could be the other thing that Opana bought aside the c-ndom pack?
 
Can you guess anything?
 
To be continued