Memoirs of A Lagos PLAYBOY Episode 34

Memoirs of A Lagos PLAYBOY………. Episode 34
April 6th, 2013
9: 45pm
 
“So the girl of your dreams says ‘yes’ and you go into hiding when we should be celebrating. What kind of man does that?” Tunde asked more calmly now.
 
We were at an old bar in Surulere we used to frequent when we stayed together. I had called him up when I decided we should hangout. I was sick of my own company and tired of hiding especially as Christy hadn’t called since the night I proposed. Besides, I had kept him in the dark for too long.
 
He had a bottle of his favorite lager before him while I had a bottle of water. I wasn’t in the mood to drink yet.
 
He had been breathing fire non stop for the past fifteen minutes. He didn’t take too kindly to fact that I chose to disappear after everything.
 
“You won’t understand.” I said glumly.
 
“What’s there to understand?” He asked giving me a ridiculous look.
 
I tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come out.
 
“You look awful too. Are you trying out a new look or did you have a fight with your barber?” He said referring to the rough beard on my face.
 
I sighed.
 
“Ok, what’s the problem?” He asked.
 
“That’s the problem. I don’t know! I just don’t feel right.” I said with frustration.
 
“When was the last time you got laid?” He asked mischievously. I had to laugh.
 
“You’re crazy!” I retorted.
 
“I’m serious. That could be why you’re the way you are. You’ve started your mourning way too early.”
 
“Mourning ke? What mourning?” I asked surprised.
 
“The death of the player in you.” He winked.
 
“Nah, its not that.” I said dismissively.
 
“If its not that, then what is it?” He asked looking troubled now.
 
I took a sip of water from the half full glass in front of me and ruminated for a minute before I responded.
 
“I’m scared…” I began.
 
“We are saying the same thing.”
 
“No, we are not. I don’t feel in control anymore. Christy has flipped the aces; she now has control over this relationsh¡p. I’m worried about that.”
 
Tunde roared in laughter. When I didn’t laugh with him, he got serious.
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“The “yes” she gave me, is conditional.” I said.
 
“Conditional? How do you mean?” He asked puzzled. I went on to explain what happened after I proposed.
 
“She’s waiting for something? What does that mean…?” He stopped short and his eyes opened wide in realization.
 
“Is she pregnant?!” He blurted out, shocked.
 
“How should I know?!” I said in exasperation. “The suspense is killing me.”
 
Tunde went quiet for a few minutes before he continued.
 
“When last did you guys speak?” He asked.
 
“The last time we saw.”
 
“Hmmm…” He mumbled as he touched his beards thoughtfully. There was a little distraction as a noisy bunch, consisting of three guys and five ladies came into the bar. I didn’t bother to look back.
 
“Is that Esther?” Tunde whispered, putting his face down as his facial expression changed.
 
“Esther? Which Esther?!” I said, craning my neck to look at the noisy bunch. The lady in question was unmistakable. Plump and fair but extremely pretty with grace and style that always made her standout in a crowd. She still wore her medicated glasses that made her look geeky in a s€×y way.
 
“Uh oh! She’s the one!!” I whispered in shock. “What the f-ck is she doing here? I thought she relocated to London?!”
 
“Let’s get the hell out of here!” He said desperately. I nodded in agreement. We signaled the waiter who came with our bill. As we sorted the bill out, we realized it would take a load of good fortune for her not to see us as Esther and her noisy crew were positioned on a table at the entrance which unfortunately, was the only exit.
 
Tunde drew the waiter close and asked if there was an alternative exit at the back. He shook his head furiously saying it was out of bounds for customers. When I pulled out a thousand naira note and handed it over, he refused vehemently, saying he didn’t want to lose his job. We had no choice; we had to pass the regular exit somehow.
 
I looked in her direction again in disbelief and somehow, it drew her gaze but I looked away before our eyes met. Tunde had long shifted by this time to make sure my back obstructed her view in case she looked in our direction.
 
“There’s only one way out of this; misdirection.” I whispered. Tunde gave me a look like “what the hell are you talking about?!”
 
I signaled the waiter again. I ordered and paid for a bottle of Baileys and told him to send it to her, careful not to point, stare or give myself away with strict instructions to take the particular path that obstructed her view to the exit. The plan was to make a run for it when her view was blocked.
 
Tunde nodded in agreement at my ingenuity. As the waiter approached her table, we hurried towards the exit. We had just reached the exit and were almost home free when we heard her voice.
 
“Tunde!!!!!!!!”
……………………………………..
 
September 14th, 2011.
5: 15pm.
 
“I have to let Esther go. I can’t keep up with this. Amaka has a way of knowing when I lie and she’s finding it hærd to trust me at the moment.” Tunde said desperately.
 
I couldn’t stop laughing as he finally had the nerve to voice out the changes I had seen in him recently. Ever since he met Amaka, he had become a different man – driven by an irresistible urge to possess her.
 
“Are you going to keep laughing or help me out with this?!” He exclaimed angrily.
 
“Sorry bros, I can’t help it. Its just funny to see you like this.” I said, still laughing.
 
He made an impatient movement and walked around the sitting room in the apartment we shared; his demeanor that of a deeply troubled man. His phone vibrated again.
 
“See!” He exclaimed in misery. “She’s calling me again!” Another volley of laughter erupted from my mouth. My sides were aching.
 
“Answer the phone and tell her you don’t want again. How hærd can that be?” I said, beginning to feel irritated.
 
“You don’t understand. It will destroy her!” Tunde exclaimed, his hands flailing helplessly.
 
“If you knew this, why did you lead her on?” I asked mercilessly.
 
He looked at me with disappointment.
 
“I never led her on. You know how these things go.” He said defensively.
 
“Ok oh!” I said, still laughing.
 
“I told her I relocated to Port Harcourt. She’s in Port Harcourt now! She’s been calling and sending me messages asking where I am.” He said.
 
“That’s serious. Ok, what do you want?” I asked seriously.
 
“I don’t want to break her heart but I just want her to forget about me.” Tunde replied desperately. His phone vibrated again and he looked at it in anger. “At this rate, Amaka can’t call me.”
 
“Give me the phone.” I said, extending my hand.
 
“What do you want to do?” He asked, taking a step back away from me.
 
“Give me the phone jor!” I said. When he handed the phone over, I continued. “There’s no way she won’t be heartbroken. You have to come to terms with that but I can shift the blame of the heartbreak from you.”
 
I waited for a few minutes and the phone began to vibrate again.
 
“Hello,” I said, my voice sounding tearful.
 
“Tunde, how can you…”
 
“Its Mickey.” I said solemnly.
 
“Oh, Mickey! Hi, I’ve been trying to reach Tunde for the past two days but he’s not been answering my…”
 
“Tunde is no longer with us.” I said, cutting in with a subdued tone. I heard her catch her breath sharply.
 
“What…what do you mean?” She stammered, her voice shaky.
 
“His bus collided with an oil tanker…there was a fire…” I said, my voice breaking. Tunde who was sitting on the sofa with his hand on head, looked up at me with utter disbelief.
 
“Oh my God! Oh my God!! Noooo!!!” She scre-med, nearly damaging my ear drum. I had to take the phone away from my ear as her loud wail escaped the phone speaker.
 
I was shocked at how easy the lie came to me. Her genuine sorrow made me realize how serious and graphic my lie was and I began to wonder if I could keep up.
 
“I have to go now. His mother just came in.” I said hurriedly.
 
“Please, where are you…” She began but I cut the phone and removed the sim.
 
“Mickey! What the f-ck!!” Tunde yelled helplessly.
 
“Problem solved.” I said as a matter of fact, hiding my own dismay at my heartless tale.
 
“How could you do that?! I have to call her back.” Tunde said, greatly agitated.
 
“And tell her what? That you resurrected on the second day?” I asked. “This is a golden opportunity for you. Don’t waste it.”
 
“Give me my phone.” He said angrily, coming towards me. I handed the phone to him.
 
“The sim too!”
 
“Calm down. I just did you a favour. Think of Amaka.”
 
He stood there, towering over me where I sat, in shock. I was just as shocked as he was but he would never realize that. He walked around the sitting room with his hands on his wa-ist, a troubled man.
 
“If you can’t handle it, here’s your sim. Call her and tell her it was a prank.” I said, resigning to the fact that I may have gone too far.
 
He took the sim and sat down. He fiddled with it, deep in thought.
 
“How did she take it?” He asked sadly.
 
“You heard her, didn’t you? She’s heartbroken.” I said casually.
 
He sighed as his face softened up.
 
“I know you’re madly in love with Amaka. You need this. Some day, you’ll remember this and thank me.” I said soothingly.
 
He sighed heavily again. “How do we keep this up?”
 
“Destroy that sim. At least, she doesn’t know much about you. She doesn’t know where we live; she has met just me, Louis and Tuoyo. She can’t reach any of us – at least I think so. This is how you sever all contact with her – for the love of your life.” I said.
 
He remained quiet for a while.
 
“But that was cold, man. Mean and cold!” He exclaimed.
 
“Cheer up son.” I said with an avuncular air. “You’ll thank me later.”
………………………………………………
 
We both stopped short as we heard her voice and looked at her. She was struggling to stand up from where she sat. When she finally did, her tears were flowing like geysers. Her companions stood too and asked her what the matter was as they eyed us suspiciously.
 
We had been caught red-handed. I looked at Tunde; he was dumb-struck, just like I was . I took one more look at Esther who had broken down totally. Her companions comforted her and tried to find out what was going on but she could do nothing but cry. I looked at Tunde once more and the telepathic message that passed through our eyes could be summed up in one word; FLIGHT!
 
And flee, did we.
@saymalcolm.