MEMOIRS OF AN UGLY GIRL
By HSR* 📝📝📝
*WEDNESDAY- JANUARY 17th*
– *Diary entry –19*
I wake up in the morning feeling terrible, my whole body aches, my head is pounding I can barely open my eyes because they are swollen.
I spent most of last night crying silently until almost 4, I have been hurt before, I have been told mean stuff but last night was the worst.
‘They want me out by the end of this year, what am I supposed to do, graduate and move out, where will I even start from knowing how hard it is to get employment in this country.
Maybe I should start job hunting now just to be on the safe side, I don’t want them selling this house and leaving Koko out in the open, she has all her memories in this house, she raised them all in this very house, it would break her heart if they sold it.
It would break my heart even more if they did this to her because of me.
‘Lord I’m depending on you to create a way out of this wilderness, do not fail me.’
I drag myself out of bed as I scratch my swollen eyes.
I undress quickly and head for the bathroom.
I seriously don’t feel like going to school but I have a test today and I can’t afford to miss it.
I walk into the bathroom and turn the shower on.
I stand under the shower and enjoy the feeling of the cold water hitting my skin.
My body instantly relaxes and I feel at peace, water is kind of therapeutic for me.
For the next twenty minutes I stand there enjoying the tingling sensations from the water drops. It fills like all my troubles and pain have been washed away.
When I am done, I wrap a towel around my body and walk back to my room.
I make my way to my closet and pull out a white purple flared dress.
Then I walk to my drawer and pull out a pair of panties and a bra.
When I am done getting dressed, I apply makeup thoroughly to hide my puffy eyes.
I comb my hair and tie it at the back before I slip my feet into a pair of pumps.
Then I sling my bag over my shoulder and walk out of my room to the kitchen.
The house is very quiet, I bet people are still sleeping I enter the kitchen and prepare myself a cup of hot black tea.
I hurriedly drink my tea and leave the house before anyone is up, i don’t want to argue with anyone today, I just need to be alone and enjoy some quietness.
The cold breeze hits my face as I walk down the street to the bus station.
Today I don’t want to wait for Angela because I want to clear my head as I walk to the station, the station is a bit far from the house, I know by the time I get there I would have exhausted my thoughts..
I walk slowly with my head facing down.
I am deep in thoughts when suddenly a loud noise startles me and I jump.
It’s the hooting of the car behind me, I didn’t even hear it coming.
The driver looks out of the window and yells, ‘Are you stupid do you want to get killed?’
My heart is slamming hard against my chest, I stand there frozen eyes wide open.
‘Are you stupid,’ he yells again ‘Can you please move out of the road?’
I take a deep breath and breathe it out slowly before I move to the other side of the road.
He drives past me while hurling insults at me.
I ignore him because I am at fault after all.
‘Maybe if that car had bashed me I would have died and left this cruel world,’ I think to myself.
‘Yes, death would do you good, you would never have to cry again or feel pain,’ my inner voice speaks
‘I know right,’ I whisper under my breath.
I get to the station some minutes later and I board a bus which drops me a few minutes from the school gate.
I pay my fare and step out before I walk towards the school.
‘Morning Pa Phiri,’ I greet the security man by the gate.
‘Zenidaya,’ he smiles at me
I laugh, ‘Ba Phiri its Zendaya not Zenidaya, please.’
He rolls his eyes like a girl and I laugh out loud, this man is just something else.
‘I have gone to class I need to study a bit before classes begins.’
‘All the best in your test.’
‘Thank you,’ I respond as I walk towards my classroom
I walk into my classroom and stare at the empty chairs and tables.
I push my chair behind and sit down.
Then I pull out a book from my bag and when I open it, my eyes land on Viola’s photograph.
I got this one from Koko’s drawer in her bedroom.
Light skinned, long natural hair, slender and well defined body, round hazel eyes.
And in this photo she has this huge smile spread across her lips.
She was indeed a beautiful woman and it’s just doesn’t make sense that someone like her could birth a person like me.
‘Maybe they swapped me at birth, they gave her the wrong child,’ like how else can this be explained.
Anyway I put that photo in my bag so I can start studying.
For the next thirty minutes I keep staring at my notes, I keep reading the same sentence; this is not working today.
I close my book and lay my head on the table for a little while. I doze off in an instant.
I wake up to the sound of the door opening its Sarah and her friend.
‘And you?’ Sarah asks
‘Hey,’ I respond
‘Hey to yourself,’ she says and the two burst out laughing.
I let out a loud yawn as I stretch myself.
‘Don’t you have a home or something?’ her friend asks
I shake my head before I open my book again and pretend to be studying.
‘Whatever,’ Sarah clicks her tongue as they take their seats.
‘Babe, tell me about last night,’ her friend says
‘Well, last night was the bomb,’ she smiles
‘I am all ears.’
‘So I went to the club with Ronald and guess who I saw?’
‘Elijah,’ she exclaims excitedly
My heart beats hard and fast at the mention of his name, I pay close attention to the rest of their conversation.
‘Elijah as in our Lecturer?’
‘Yes! The one and only.’
‘What was he doing at the club and who was he with?’
‘He was drinking solo though he looked sad.’
‘So I found a way to get rid of Ronald and I followed Elijah, I went to sit next to him and we started talking, you know at first he was reluctant, he kept ignoring me but I didn’t give up,’ Sarah says
‘I trust you babe,’ she laughs
‘I watched him drink while we engaged in a random conversation then later I drove him home because he was too drunk to drive.’
‘OMG! Did you do the deed?’
‘Shut up,’ she hits her friend playfully ‘we didn’t, he was wasted plus I had to go back home.’
‘You know I get what I want, Elijah will be mine, none of these lecturers have been able to resist my charm and Elijah won’t be the first one to reject me.’
‘I trust you Babe.’
I feel a sharp ache in my heart, I am pissed as hell.
For the next few minutes my rage continues to build up and when I can’t take it anymore I hit my fist on the desk.
They turn to face me,
‘She is weird, ‘Sarah’s friend says
‘shit’, Sarah responds
It’s not a hidden fact that Sarah sleeps with the lecturers at this school to get good grades and with her kind of determination, I know it won’t be long till Elijah falls into her trap.
Diary entry –20*
*Edit as you read*
‘Your phone has been off since last night & you came without me today what’s going on Zen?’ Angie angrily asked as soon as our first lesson ended.
I shrugged my shoulders, ‘Nothing is going on, I broke my phone last night and I came in early today because I wanted to study for the test.’
‘You couldn’t call me using Koko’s phone?’
‘Like I said, I came in very early I didn’t want to disturb Koko.’
She looked at me and was about to say something when the door flew open and Elijah walked in.
‘Saved by the bell,’ I said under my breath, I wasn’t in the mood for explanations.
‘Hey class,’ he said placing the papers in his hand on the table
‘Hello sir,’ everyone else chirped in unison except me.
‘How are you doing today sir,’ Sarah excitedly asked
‘I am very fine Sarah, thanks for asking,’ he smiled at her.
This was the first time Elijah was smiling at Sarah like this and can you imagine he even winked at her, like who does that.
‘He is definitely sleeping with her,’ I thought to myself disgustedly
‘I hope we are all ready for the test, this is part of your CA so I hope you all studied hard.’
Elijah glanced at me and frowned before he proceeded down the tables handing out the test papers. He placed a paper on my table and quickly walked away.
‘We may start writing,’ he announced a while later.
I opened my paper and read through the questions, they weren’t as hard as I thought they would be. The test had six questions and we were required to pick five.
I instantly started jotting down my answers on my answer sheet because I wanted to get it done and over with.
Satisfied with what I had written, I stood up and caught Elijah’s attention.
He looked at me as I walked to his desk,’ Can I help you,’ he asked
His voice was so cold, ‘could he have gotten over me in one night,’ I wondered.
He cleared his throat.
‘I have finished writing,’ I said
‘Huh,’ he raised his brows
‘I am done.’
‘Okay,’ he grabbed the paper from me.
I walked back to my seat and picked up my bag before I walked out of the room slamming the door behind my back.
I furiously walked to the canteen and ordered myself a strawberry smoothie and sat down. I sipped my smoothie slowly as I recalled the events of the previous night.
I swear it hurts to have people treat you like some sort of a virus, Koko’s children are mean and harsh & their words always scar my heart.
I have a low self esteem because of these people, they are always degrading me and calling me names, I have never been good enough for these people no matter what I do, I worked hard in school & passed with good marks so I could win their approval but to no avail and now, I am just so tired, I just need a break, I am done pleasing them, I just have to find myself a job so I can move out by the end of this year.
‘Are you okay?’ Angela’s voice broke through my thoughts
I didn’t even notice she was standing next to me.
‘Yes,’ I lied
She pulled the chair next to mine and sat down.
Her eyes bore into mine unconvinced, ‘What’s eating you up Zen?’
‘I said I am okay,’ I lashed out at her.
‘Fine,’ she snapped
‘Sorry for lashing out at you, I just have a lot going on right now.’
‘Talk to me.’
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
‘My uncle is back home.’
‘Koko’s son the one you told me about?’
‘He ganged up on me with his sisters, they called me all sort of names & my uncle broke my phone.’
‘Where was Koko when all this was happening?’
‘This is bad.’
‘That’s not even the whole story, they asked Koko to kick me out by the end of the year, they threatened to sell the house and share the money if I don’t move out.’
‘Seriously?’ she asked in disbelief
‘It’s not things I don’t even know what to do now.’
‘Koko is really a sweet person why are her children that mean?’
‘I don’t know, I ask myself that every single day.’
‘So what are you going to do now?’
‘Well I need a job, that’s the only way out. I need a part time Job so I can start saving up some money.’
‘You know you can always move in with us.’
‘Thanks Angela but I want to stand on my own two feet.’
‘Okay, I will talk to dad and see if there is an opening at his firm.’
‘You would do that for me?’
‘Yes, what are friends for?’
‘Thank you,’ I smiled
‘So how was the test?’
‘As usual what?’ I laughed
‘Tests are always easy for you, see how you left that room like a boss while some of us were still trying to figure out what to write, how do you do it?’
‘I study, I spend lots of time going through my notes you should try it.’
‘I find studying boring but I will try.’
I laughed, ‘I will make us a time table so we can study together.’
‘Maybe that will help, anyway that aside how did it go with Elijah?’
I rolled my eyes, ‘I don’t wanna talk about that man whore.’
She laughed, ‘Man whore? What am I missing?’
‘Didn’t you see him winking at Sarah in class?’ I rolled my eyes again
‘Stop rolling your eyes.’
‘So how did the date go?’
‘Terrible, I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him.’
‘He is a man whore, a man like that will just distract me.’
‘Do you even know what you are talking about?’
‘I see, I just hope you don’t regret your decision.’
‘So I am meeting up my father for lunch, wanna join.’
‘Nah, I would rather go home and think about the mess I am in.’
‘Don’t let what they said get to you, you are more than what they say you are.’
I smiled, ‘Thank you.’
‘Let’s get going I will drop you home.’
We stood up and walked towards the car park.
I clicked my tongue when I spotted Elijah and Sarah standing by his car.
Angela laughed really loud they both turned and looked at us.
I shook my head, ‘why would you do that you fool?’
‘The way you clicked your tongue, you are jealous.’
She unlocked the car and we both slid in.
Seeing Elijah and Sarah like that really spoiled my mood, I don’t even know why I am angry when I pushed him away.
The drive home took about thirty minutes, when she parked in front of our gate, I stepped out and waved goodbye to her before I walked in.
‘Koko,’ I called as I walked inside the house shutting the door behind my back.
‘I am hear,’ I heard her yell from her room
I walked to her room and without knocking pushed the door open.
Koko was packing some stuff into a small suitcase.
My heart slammed hard against my chest,’ What are you doing?’
‘I am packing I am going to the village first thing tomorrow morning.’
‘My late sister’s child is very ill.’
‘Oh that’s sad Koko but if you go where will I go?’ I asked
‘You will remain here my love, I am not going for good, I will be there for a week or so.’
‘I wish I could go with you.’
‘You have school Zen.’
I remained silent, how on earth was I going to survive living in this house without Koko.
‘Listen to me, just focus on school don’t pay my children any attention, I will be back before you know it.’
I felt a tear slid down my cheek, i had a bad feeling about all this.
Koko stood up and walked to where I was standing, she took me in her arms and embraced me, ‘it’s going to be okay,’ she said.
‘Okay,’ I softly responded even though I knew I was going to have one hell of a week.