(Love in circles )
BY BLESSING SILVER
I watched his car drive past me in a wheez and I turned and stared at it or should I say it’s owner. I was stunned and amazed at the same time.. Seriously does this dude even have a heart?
Such a heartless human. I sighed and ran from the road, moving to the pavement, realizing I was still standing on the spot he pushed me to on the road. Now I don’t even have the permission to end my life; all that jerk cares about is his stupid phone.
Why does every aspect of my life needs permission to be ruled by me, why’s there always an obstruction things I want to do? I mean jeez, its my life. I sighed.. Will I ever be free.
I walked to the taxi park, trying to work normal and at same time feel less pain between my legs.
I got to one and entered.. “Where to miss?” He asked, starting the engines.
“Amity high” I said and he nodded.
“That will be twenty cents miss” he said and I nodded, realizing he wasn’t facing me I added a yes.
He parked at the school gate that was opened wide and from the entrance I saw student moving into the school building while some hung around, doing whatever.
I paid, grabbed my bag and climbed down the cab, slinging my bag behind my shoulder, I walked gently into the exterior of Amity high and then to the home room, I stood with the other students and watched as Mrs Gloria, our homeroom teacher called and tick names.. I answered mine and waited for it to end, scanning around at the same time for Martha.
There was no response. Miss Gloria raised her head from the large book and looked around “is miss Mitch absent to–
“I’m here ma’am.. I’m present!” A girl rushed in breathlessly, her backpack dangling from an arm. Miss Gloria studied her for a while, adjusted her spectacles and bent to her book.
Homeroom ended and we walked to class.. I felt an arm crossing mine and I turned to see Martha.
“Hey girl” she said, smiling, I returned the smile “you look kinda dull today, oh you always do.. I’ve forgotten you’re a geek” she said and I rolled my eyes.
“Hi there too Martha” I said, sarcasm in my voice.
“Yeah, don’t hi me. I’m not the one with no fashion sense” she said.
We got to class and took our seats, almost immediately Mr Robert walked in.. Or should I say ‘two-face’.. We stood to Greet after Martha exchanged knowing glances with me.
“The test results is out and has been posted in the hallway.. I’m here to call out the ones with woeful performances among you and take them out, so if you hear your name be on your feet” he said and I noticed how everyone bodied language themselves.
“Joan Thompson” he called out the first name and a loud murmur came out, followed by the chattering of chairs as she grumpily stood up.. Mr Robert cautioned her with one glance and she stood upright. No one needed a soothsayer to tell us Mr Robert had a bad mood swing today.
“Jeff Layton” he said and I glance around, looking for a movement but I saw none. Mr Robert looked up
“Are you getting your failing ass up or am I doing that for you? ” he said and a guy stood at once. He called a final name before closing the list.
“To those that are up, follow me” he said.
“To where sir” a student asked.
“To counselling” he said and I chuckled slightly, I looked around as saw the other trying to hold theirs. The called-out pupils followed him.
“Two-face never stop amazing me” Martha said, after laughing out.
“He never stop amazing anyone” I said and stood up.
“Where are you going?”
“To the ladies” I said to her and moved out of the class. I was suddenly getting steamed up in the class, I felt my body searching for some sorta freedom from everyone and everything. I’m still trying to move over that trauma.
I took the stairs and got to the restroom, I entered one and lean into the wall.. I checked my face in the wall mirror, Martha’s right.. My face doesn’t only look dull, it also feels like mush. I turned on the faucet and scooped the water in my cupped palm and splashed it on my face.. I looked at my reflection.. Ugh! I let out an long sigh and waved my hair backwards. I looked at the writings on my hand, rounding my wrist.
Crazy jerk. I mouthed and walked out of the restroom.. The breeze washed my face as I came out of the restroom, I walked back to the stairs and started going to class.
During lunchtime I head to the cafe with Martha, Talking about nothing interesting and picking at my meal.. When it was over we went back to class and rather than getting In we stood at the hallway, holding the rails and looking down. I looked upwards and sighted Jason, his earphones connected in his ear, looking downwards.. I stared at him, thinking about the possibilities of him getting to notice me someday and maybe being friends with me, I marked the possibilities as zero. I’m like the wind, calm, everywhere but unseen. I smiled when he moved his head in a rhythmic way.
Our previous discussion or should I say my talking to him and the words he said. My smile flashed to a bit of irritation but I wiped it with another smile. He must’ve probably blurted that out of stress and I can’t believe I’m thinking of a dude when my life’s flashing before me, crumpled and shattered.
My life’s a mess as it is, scratch that, my life has always been a mess after my parent’s death but it just got messier.. I just wanted to drive it off forever; the fact that I got raped by my closest family, my only family actually. It’s like a sign of rejection, first from my family then from the world. I’m such a trash.
I looked back at Jason and saw his gaze on me too, I flinched a bit when his expression deepened to a cold glare, he took his earphone off and walked away.. I sighed.
I’m such a curse!
“Okay now I’m blabbing to myself again!” Martha nudged me. “Earth to Jackie!” She snapped her finger at my face.
“I was in no other planet Martha” I said.
“Then why weren’t you answering my questions?”
“Oops.. You asked me a question? I didn’t hear it..
“And why will you when your attention’s elsewhere?”
“Sorry.. What did you say again?”
“You can ask Jason that. I’m out” she said and started walking back to class.
“C’mon Martha I already apologized” I gave her a placating smile and followed her.
School ended for the day and I sighed, I successfully hid my woes from everyone for another day, with Martha beside me, I walked to my locker, stuffed my books into my bag and moved out of the school compound with Martha, we got out of the gate, said our goodbyes and parted. I walked home, jogging wasn’t my thing today, except I’m ready to have my legs weakened.. I’m still getting my internal wounds healed. I boarded a cab and rather that going home I dropped at our old house.. I paid and got down, strapping my backpack across my shoulders I journeyed for a while before getting to the cemetery, I walked in and got to my parent’s grave. I squatted, my tears already falling out. I dropped my bag and ran my palm on the smoothness of the soil. A wry smile crossed my lips.. “Mom, Dad.. It’s Jacqueline. Your daughter” I said and sniffed.
“Mom I.. I got raped mom,” I sniffed again, wiping a tear that itched my nose. “I got disvirgined against my will and I’m not doing anything about it” I cried “I wish you were here, I wish I hadn’t been so demanding but Allan won’t stop accusing me and torturing me for your deaths” I said.. Letting the tears pour out more as that night flashed before my eyes.
I was only thirteen then and we had returned that evening from Allan’s graduation party from college.. Being the last child I was always treated as a baby and I guess you can say a kinda of special attention was focused on me. We were in the sitting room, talking about the party when I suddenly felt like eating a plate of hot fudge sundae because a commercial of it was being displayed on TV.. We had lots of it in the refrigerator, Mom made sure she had it stocked in because I loved it a lot but she gave me ‘when and when not to have it’ rule. I told my mom I needed the sundae and as expected, she permitted me to take a pack from the fridge and being the baby that I was, I insisted I want the one displayed on TV. Mom tried to persuade me to go with the one in the fridge, promising to get me the one being commercialized the next day but I refused and started crying.. One thing that triggers my parent to meet my demand. Mom took me in her laps and together with dad who had tried to persuade Allan to go with us but he excused himself to answer a phone call. We couldn’t wait because of me so we left and that simple drive lead to their death, with me being the only survivor but not without getting series of injuries on certain parts of my body, some of which were dried up and gone. My parent’s had died days after and after they were buried, Allan and I moved. He sold out the two out of the three cars my dad had and the bank took the other one.
Few days after mourning my parent and beginning to get used to life without them I began noticing the changes in Allan. First he complained about everything I do.. I recall the day I cried because there was a thunderstorm.. He locked me out outside and didn’t let me in until it stopped raining. I had cried until I had hiccups and teeth chatters.
Then the day he laid his hands on me was when I tripped accidentally and fell his glass of wine on the floor, causing it to shatter and spilling the wine.. He made a mark with the broken glass out of me, yelled insults at me and finally pushed to the floor, I fell on the broken glass and from different angles they pierced into my skin.. Right from that time I knew Allan wasn’t here anymore, a voracious beast was and from then my troubles continued.
“I know our Allan is there somewhere but he’s just taking time to come out,” I said on their graves “And I’m still willing to wait and hope for that day to be soon. I’m beginning to lose interest in life but I’m still fighting mom, I’m trying to push and not be that timid stupid girl that always cries about any little thing. I’m working now and doing well in my studies and I’m surviving” I said, laying my head on the sand and letting my tears fall on it.
“Many times I’ve wanted to tell it all to someone, to report Allan or to kill him! To just tell anyone and for once do something I want to do.. I’ve tried to get rid of myself and honestly holding those urges hasn’t been easy at all. I still want a happy family, even though you and dad aren’t here, I’m trying to make those sweet memories with Allan and that’s why I’m still here, that’s why I’m still staying camouflaged from everything that can obstruct that. Sometimes I feel like I’m not human. I just want to doggone it all!!”
“But it’s not easy mom, it’s not easy at all dad and that’s why I’m not here with flowers but with my tears so you can feel it and help me out before I leave or give up” I said. I lifted my head and wiped my tears before getting up and grabbing my backpack. “I love you guys so much and words can’t express how much I miss you. I don’t know when I’ll be here again because Allan already forbid me from visiting you guys, he says I have no right to but my heart will always be here” I said. “And yours will forever be with me”..
I stifled a smile, wiped my tears again and sniffing to prevent myself from crying.. I turned back and walked out of the cemetery.
Having no other money on me, I walked home.. Met an empty house, ran a shower, dressed up and walk to work.
T. B. C
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