Memoirs of A Lagos PLAYBOY Episode 36

Memoirs of A Lagos PLAYBOY………. Episode 36
 
The drive to the hospital was a quiet one. Christy’s attempt to engage me in a conversation was a total failure. When she saw that I wasn’t in the mood to talk, she left me alone. My heart thumped so hærd that I feared it would actually jump out of my chest. My mind had run haywire with questions of “What ifs?”.
 
I couldn’t understand my agitation. I was one who never took my health for granted; that was why I had a complete check-up with my doctor every six months, the last one being about four months ago. An evil voice kept reminding me that a lot could happen in four months and I cringed at the thought. All the times I had dug into several women without protection flashed through my head with frightening clarity.
 
Dear Lord, please deliver me from my wayward d*ck, I prayed silently.
 
I looked at Christy. She looked quite calm. She wouldn’t be if the worst happened. She would kill me. Well, I thought, that would be a lot better than falling victim to the virus.
 
I was certain I was just being jittery over nothing. Dr. Andrew was the best doctor I knew. He was a party animal like I was but totally dependable when it came to his profession. He would be my first victim if anything horrible happened today.
 
“Are you ok?” Christy asked suddenly, barging into my thoughts.
 
“Of course, I am.” I responded swiftly but I think she knew better because she increased the air-conditioner. I didn’t realise that asides from my palms being sweaty, beads of sweat had begun to form on my forehead despite the artificial cool air that circulated in,side the car.
 
“I just wonder if you’ll ever trust me again.” I said after some time.
 
“I will but you’ll have to work for it.” She said quietly.
 
I looked at her but her face had this serene expression. I couldn’t guess what she was thinking but I suspected she was enjoying herself immensely.
 
Nothing much I can do about that, is there?
 
We were in the waiting room some thirty minutes later. The hospital reeked of wealth. It wasn’t the hospital for the common man and as if to buttress that, I caught a glimpse of a couple of Nollywood celebrities heading out for the parking lot.
 
There were five people just ahead of us; a couple, two elderly women and a man. I was so troubled that by this time, I could hærdly breathe. I was grateful for the seat the very pretty nurse directed me to while Christy stayed with her at the counter for a little chat. Something, I was grateful for.
 
My mind had run miles afar when the ringing of my phone brought me back from wherever I was. It was Tunde. He had a knack for calling me at odd times.
 
“How far?”
 
“Guess who’s a daddy to a beautiful little girl!” He said excitedly. It was more of a statement than a question.
 
“Whaaaaattt?!” I said out of shock. My loud exclamation caught Christy’s attention as well as several others in the reception.
 
“When?” I asked.
 
“About 30 minutes ago.” He said with an animated voice.
 
“Is it nine months yet?” I asked suspiciously.
 
“Err…no. It’s actually seven months.”
 
“Ah, so apparently, she was with child before you both got married?” I said in a patronizing tone. He laughed long and hærd.
 
“You’re just a big fool!” He said still laughing.
 
“When did she go into labour?” I asked.
 
“Around 4am this morning.”
 
“Wow! How is Amaka and the baby?”
 
“They are both doing fine. They are asleep now. Dude, women are strong oh! I now understand why Shaggy sang the strong ‘Strength of a woman’.” I couldn’t help myself from laughing.
 
“I’m serious man. Its a real privilege to have a woman go through the pains of child birth for you. After witnessing the really, really traumatizing…spectacle of childbirth, I had to call my mother and thank her. Did you know that humans can only bear up to 45 dels of pain…”
 
“What’s a del?” I interrupted.
 
“It’s the unit for measuring pain, you doofus. Didn’t you learn anything in school?” He asked, irritated at the interruption to his lecture.
 
“Did you learn that in school?” I asked, not willing to back down.
 
“Yes na!” He insisted.
 
“Liar, liar! Old papa like you.” I said, laughing.
 
“Sharrap there! You think say I be your mate again? Go born pikin if you think say e easy!” He responded authoritatively.
 
I was laughing so hærd that Christy by this time was by my side with a puzzled look on her face.
 
“As I was saying…” He continued, “…humans can only bear up to 45 dels of pain but a woman at the time of giving birth experiences up to 57 dels of pain. And to think we call them the weaker s€×!”
 
“Who are you talking to?” Amaka asked impatiently when I didn’t respond to the puzzled expression on her face.
 
“Amaka just put to bed!” I said excitedly. She shrieked loudly in excitement that Tunde asked where I was and who I was with.
 
“I’m with Christy.” I replied.
 
“Serious? Oya, give her the phone sharply!” He said.
 
I handed the phone to her and they talked. I trusted Tunde had his wits about him because she laughed all through their conversation. While they talked, a thought crossed my mind.
Ok, let me give him the phone.” Christy said, still laughing as she handed the phone over.
 
“How’s it going to be?” I asked.
 
“You know how its going to be. TONIGHT, WE DRINK!” He declared in the voice I imagined to be that of King Leonides of Sparta.
 
“So are you and Christy now official?” He asked. I could hear clearly the mischief in his voice. Christy was standing right next to me with excitement written all over her face.
 
“Hello? Hello?” I shouted into the phone.
 
“I can hear you.” Tunde said.
 
“Hello?” I shouted again.
 
“Is MTN messing you up again?” He asked obviously irritated. I cut the call.
 
“The network has disappeared. Let me call him outside. I’ll be right back.” I said hurriedly to Christy as I strolled out of the reception, nearly barging into a young woman and her son. I apologised profusely. As soon as I was outside earshot, I dialed his number but the line was busy. I kept calling until the call connected.
 
“Dude, I need you help.” I said urgently.
 
“Oh, talk to daddy.” He with all benignity.
 
“I need you to insist to Christy that my attention is needed with you and Amaka right now.”
 
“Huh?” He responded, totally confused. “What’s going on?”
 
“I’ll explain later. If she asks, tell her as the Godfather to your daughter, my attention is urgently needed there.” I said desperately.
 
“Err…ok. What…never mind.” He sighed.
 
“Thanks hommie. We’re on our way.” I said cheerfully.
 
I was glad to see that we still had five people ahead of us when I got back to the reception.
 
“Baby, we have to go now.” I said urgently.
 
“Go where?” She asked surprised.
 
” We have to go and meet Tunde and Amaka at the hospital but we have to buy some stuffs for them first.”
 
“Do you know how long it took me to arrange for this appointment?” She exclaimed angrily.
 
“I know baby but we have to reschedule.” I said patiently.
 
She gave me a long, cold and hærd stare.
 
“No. We are not rescheduling.” She said firmly.
 
“Baby please. You know his baby is my God-daughter.” I pleaded, fearing her adamant posture.
 
“Did you tell him we were at the hospital?” She asked, her face expressionless.
 
“No.” I said truthfully.
 
She thought for a while as my heart was busy doing flip-flops.
 
“Ok, let’s go.” She said in a defeated voice. As she made arrangements for a reschedule with the pretty nurse, the image of Spartacus after he defeated Theokoles in the arena of Capua crept into mind.
 
The drive to The Palms was a silent one. So was the brief shopping and the drive to meet Tunde and his family at the hospital. All my attempts to start up a cheerful conversation hit a solid brick wall.
 
“I hope you know what this means?” She said suddenly as I took out the things I had bought from the trunk.
 
“What?” I said feigning ignorance.
 
“You don’t get none of this until we do the test.” She  said, demonstrating her royal s€×iness. I didn’t think of that.
“How long are we talking about?” I asked, suddenly alarmed.
 
“I was able to get a date for May 19th so in about a month’s time.” She said as she took the bag of apples.
 
Aw sheeeeeeetttt!!!!!
 
*Special credit goes out to @soakclothier for the wonderful story cover. Bless up bro!
 
@saymalcolm