: Written by BRIGHT DANIEL
Igwe Izumba neglected Dike’s disrespectful attitude of not greeting him because he took his charisma to be caused by high level of education and civilization. Nevertheless, he sat on his throne wearing an expensive traditional attire and looking at all the elders who also seated quietly to listen to him because the expression on his face wasn’t encouraging thereby giving them the notion that something must had gone wrong again in the village.
“My elders” the king, Igwe Izumba began. “Our people say a frog does not run in the day time for nothing, either it’s chasing after something or something is chasing after it. We have converged here at this very hour to look into what is happening in our village. The rate of crime is increasing day by day. In the past three days, some cat-burglars made away with two hundred thousand naira of chief Mbakwe who just came back from a business trip. Secondly, a complaint was brought to me recently by a woman who said that these same men broke into her house last night and made away not only with her money but also raped her sixteen year old daughter..”
Hearing that, Dike shocked and lowered his pair of eye glasses but never said a word. Other elders also looked astonished as all listened enthusiastically. Therefore the king concluded saying, “These are the reasons why i called you elders to suggest on what to do to this plight”
Mr. Kelechi cleared his throat and hit his staff on the floor. “Let the kite perch and let the eagle perch. Whichever that says the other should not perch should suffer broken wings. We must put a stop to this criminality and fish out the very person behind it. Enough is enough!” he shouted.
“Yes!” other elders chorus and silence took over as Mr. Kelechi continued.
“We should even go diabolical and spiritual on this matter because we can’t fold our hands and watch Umuye land being sabotaged by criminals”
Mr. Adaka, another elder stood up. He had almost Mr. Kelechi’s age and stature but was taller than him. “No, i disagree with you on this one, Kelechi” he objected. “We can’t go diabolical or spiritual on this matter because we all are Christians. Moreover, what if the people behind what is befalling us happens to be one of your relatives?”
“Hell go with Christianity!” Mr. Kelechi raised his voice. “Adaka, i’m beginning to suspect you because of what you’ve just said. You are the one sponsoring those criminals” he added.
“Chineke! Kelechi, are you accusing me of sponsoring those criminals?”
“May Amadioha strike your mouth there!” Mr Adaka pointed his staff at him but Mr. Kelechi did the same thing and said, “Look at the person who called himself a Christian. Adaka, you are a fool!”
“You are the bigger fool!” Mr Adaka retorted then the palace became noisy due to the exchange of words between the two elders. Therefore the King raised his artefact up and shouted, “Silent!” Then tranquility took over the palace. “I called you here to find a solution to the problem at hand but you are creating more problems!” the king added bitterly.
“We are sorry your highness” Mr Kelechi and Adaka apologized taking off their red caps as a sign of humility .
Dike adjustd forward from his seat. “Your highness may i say something?” he requested.
“Go on” the king replied while all the elders directed their eyes to Dike. Some began to smile instantly because they expected nothing from him but grammar.
Dike began, “Before the pandemonium caused by these incubuses cogently, i was thinking of a fastidious and piquant resolution for the onerous sadomasochism abrasively committed last night by the cat-burglars..” without finishing up, the king and other elders began to giggle at his grammar.
“Supu! Na suru’m oyibo. Dike the grammarian!” Mr Kelechi hailed him in igbo language.
Dike never smiled rather continued , “So as i was substantiating before this paragon interrupted me with an unfamiliar langua…”
“Wait” Mr. Kelechi interrupted him. “Dike, i hope that wasn’t an insult ” he added.
“Allow him to speak, Kelechi” Mr. Adaka interfered.
“Why should i allow him? How can i sit and watch Dike insult me by calling me a paragon?”
“How do you know if the word ‘Paragon’ is an insult?”
“Then let him tell us the meaning of a paragon” Mr. Kelechi looked at Dike for explanation likewise other elders.
Dike shook his head and said. “Illiteracy is a disease. Kelechi, i didn’t insult you rather complimented on your outstanding perfect personality. Paragon simply means a person who is perfect or perfect example of a particular good quality”
“Ohoo!” Mr. Adaka spread his hands looking at Kelechi. “I told you it wasn’t an insult. Back in those days when i was telling you to follow me to school, you were busy chasing lizards up and down.”
“Look at who is talking. Am i not the one that use to drag you to school but you preferred hunting bush animals” Mr. Kelechi retaliated.
“What’s wrong with both of you?!” The king provoked. “We have totally avoided what we came here for and started discussing irrelevant things” he looked at Dike and said, “You should minimize your grammar, Dike. Just look at what it has caused” he turned to the elders again saying “This is my opinion and must be adhered to; we the villagers must contribute to form a vigilante group who will make sure that the criminals are apprehended. We shall also inform the police to look into the matter to see if they will be of help. Hope i have made myself claer”
“Yes, your highness” the elders chorus.
“In fact igwe, that was a perfect idea” Mr. Kelechi added.
Dike touched his beards wisely and said, “If i must say, your highness, to abstain from more hazardous nooky, plight and satire, police shouldn’t be rearm to avoid bloodshed”
“Dike, i don’t understand you” the king said surprisingly then Dike continued.
“Without qualm i believe that the police will unnecessarily expand our perturbation rapaciously and nobody will have the perspicacity of a stupefying solipsism which they believe for a rapturous satisfaction regardless how sophisticated the government has actuated the nature of their occupation. This will definitely catapult the paragons of this village to a great stupendous and perfunctory perdition.”
Hearing the confusing grammar, the king stood up. “This meeting is over” he said and walked out while the elders began to giggle.
“Dike, have you seen how you endded our meeting and pursued the king with your grammar?” Mr Adaka said laughing aloud. Even Mr. Kelechi couldn’t help it, so he hailed Dike saying, “Dike the grammarian! The only one whose grammar can send one to his early grave. I hail you” he took off his cap for him and put it back laughing hilariously..
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