Memoirs of an ugly
By HSR* 📝📝📝
– *Diary entry –38 –* *Unedited*
I make it to the car without falling apart, I quickly manage to open the car door and slide into the seat next to Angie.
‘How did it go?’
‘Take me out of here,’ I plead
Without asking me anymore questions she nods her head and quickly drives off. We drive in silence to Angie’s house,
‘I don’t love you, I never did,’ the words keep playing in my head.
There is a sharp stabbing pain lashing out across my chest, my heart fells like it is going to rip out of my chest, sobs are pressing my chest begging to escape. I keep digging my teeth into my lower lip to stop them from bursting out. I have felt pain before but nothing compares to this, I feel so naïve and stupid right now, I should have seen this coming, why did he awaken my love when he knew he had no intention of truly loving me, was this some sort of a game to him?
‘What’s wrong Zee,’ she asks her voice full of worry and concern
‘I don’t love you, I never did,’ his words stab me like a sword through my chest all over again. How could be say such a thing? Why would he choose to be this mean?
‘Zen!’ You are scaring me
My lips suddenly begin to tremble, she holds my hand and now I can’t hold it in anymore, I break down and cry out my voice high and loud.
Angie takes me into her arms and holds me tightly as I cry this makes me cry even more.
‘Shhh,’ she pats my back gently
I cling on to Angie like a leech, letting myself go- crying so hard my chest hurts and I can barely breathe.
‘You need to stop crying, you are going to get sick. Tell me what’s going on?’
‘Elijah…..,’ I say between sobs ‘He says he doesn’t love me and he never did,’ I cry even harder
‘Why would he say such a terrible thing to you?’ she asks
‘I love him Angie, I thought he loved me too but turns out he… was just using me,’ I cry some more.
‘That bastard,’ she says, ‘How could he?’ I can read the anger in her voice.
‘It fvcking hurts,’ I say, my voice is shaky
‘It’s going to get better in time I promise,’ she comforts me. ‘Elijah doesn’t deserve you.’
‘Do you think he is with Christine?’
‘Don’t torture yourself Zen, please don’t.’
I sniff,’ How do I do this, how do I even face him in class.’
‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, he might have broken you but he hasn’t killed you, there is hope you will make it out of this alive,’ she smiles
‘I am here anytime if you wanna talk about it.’
‘My head is spinning.’
‘Let me get you some strong black tea, it will calm your nerves.’
She walks out, I remove my phone from my pocket and dial his line and I get the same response. I go through my gallery and stare at the photos of us, more tears flow down my face.
Angie walks back in and hands me the cup in her hands then she snatches the phone from my hand.
‘This will break you even more.’
‘I still like this is a dream like he will call anytime and say it’s just a prank.’
‘This is real.’
I take a sip of my tea.
She urges me to drink some mall and I do as she says.
I open my eyes slowly, I am dazed and confused when I realize I am not in my room, I look around and remember I am actually in Angie’s room. I close my eyes trying to remember what happened the last thing I remember is Angie forcing me to finish that cup of tea, oh ya she must have drugged it.
Maybe she thought sleep would make me numb to the pain in my heart.
I swallow hard as the images of the afternoon flash right before my eyes, I can still remember the way his voice sounded when he said he never loved me, this feels like a nightmare. Maybe he was just trying to play a prank on me maybe he wants to see how I will react to what he said.
My eyes fall on my phone which is on the table next to the bed, what if I call him, what if I tell him I love him a lot and I can’t do without him.
I pick up my phone and dial his number this time around his phone rings so I wait for him to answer. The phone rings three times before it is answered.
When he answers the phone he doesn’t say a word but I can hear him breathing on the other end.
‘Hey!’ her voice trembles with emotion as she begins to speak, ‘I miss you Babe, I don’t know why you said what you said earlier today but can we please put that behind us and try to start afresh. I am sorry if there is anything I did to offend you but please don’t push me away,’ I say
‘Zendaya! Please don’t do this to yourself,’ he finally says something.
‘Please babe, I am begging you,’ I say, my voice is breaking. I know this sounds a little too desperate but I can’t help it, the past month I have been with him has been one of my happiest moments, I can’t bear to start all over again, I just don’t want to start all over again, I love him.
He clears his throat, ‘Listen, it would be better if you don’t call me again.’
‘Elijah!’ I pause for a breath second as tears begin to fall.
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you but this is for the best, just forget about me.’
‘I love you so much,’ I cry, my emotions overwhelming me.
‘Sadly I don’t feel the same this was never real to start with.
I can’t contain the sob that ripples through me. I can’t believe he said it again so I wasn’t imagining it.
I can’t bring myself under control, everything hurts.
Angie walks into the room and finds me crying, she snatches the phone from my ear.
‘You bastard,’ she yells
‘I hope you rot in hell, I am so going to deal with you,’ she screams before hanging up.
‘You shouldn’t have called him Zen, you shouldn’t,’ she says before she wraps me in her arms.
‘I couldn’t help it.’
‘Now he will feel like he has a hold over you.’
‘I am sorry.’
‘It’s going to get better I swear, it will sting for a couple of weeks perhaps months but I swear it will be fine.’
I nod my head in agreement though I don’t know if it will truly get better.
– *Diary entry –39*
‘He knew I was fragile but he fvcking dropped me anyway. He left me a mess!!!’
I lay tossing and turning not able to sleep, Angie is lying next to me. I decided to sleep here because I knew Koko would ask me a lot of questions if I went home in this state.
All I can think of Elijah, like i can literary see his face flash before me when I close my eyes.
Why didn’t anyone ever tell me it would hurt this bad if he left? But somehow I just blame myself I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him in the first place, a man like Elijah could never have genuinely fallen for a girl like me, lord I knew it, I fell it but I just had to take a risk now see where that has landed me now- Broken.
Right now everything in me feels dead and I just hate myself more.
‘You are just an ugly girl with brains, people will use you but no one will ever want you for you,’ I recall my auntie’s words and ya I think she was right, I will never be good enough for anyone.
If the woman who gave birth to me was incapable of loving me, who can surely love me?
I get out of bed and quietly walk towards the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror I stare at my reflection, what I see is a broken ugly girl, if God had just given me 1% of beauty maybe Elijah would genuinely love me.
Enraged I grab a pair of scissors and without a second thought begin to chop off my hair.
‘You will never be good enough, you are ugly,’ my inner voice says, tears stream down my face as I continue to randomly just cut out strands of my hair.
When I stare at myself in the mirror again, I just feel more disgusted with myself, I suddenly feel my knees become weak and I crumble to the floor.
This whole situation has just crippled my sense of self esteem, I am confused and lost. I need something to help me numb this pain and silence the voices in my head.
My head is racing, it can’t stop. My heart is heavy.
By now you would think I would have already gotten used to this feeling of rejection because it’s all I have known my whole life, this is different from all the insults I get from my auntie, this is different from all the bullying I have had to endure growing up, this is different from what Viola did.
I trusted Elijah so much, I put my heart on the line for him I thought he was genuine.
Staring at the scissors in my hands, I remember the articles I have read about people who self harm to numb their pain, maybe this could work for me, maybe this could help get rid of this ache in my heart.
So without giving it a second thought, I begin to rip my thigh with the scissors, it stings and I wince at the pain but that doesn’t stop me. When I finally see the blood deep out of my open wound I begin to feel relieved.
As I am about to slash my other thigh, the door bursts open and Angie walks in she stares at me with wide eyes.
‘Zen! What the hell?’ she yells, she is terrified I can see it in her eyes.
She gets down on her knees and grabs the scissors from my hand.
‘What have you done?’
I just feel like a mess, my hands are trembling, I don’t even know why I did what I just did. I need Koko at this point only she can soothe this pain in my heart.
Angie hurries across the room to get a w€t cloth and presses it down the wound.
‘You could bleed to death,’ she whispers
After a while, she bandages the wound and helps me get up.
‘Talk to me.’
More tears pour from my eyes, ’Take me home, take me to Koko.’
‘Zen, it’s late.’
‘Please,’ I plead
She packs a few things in her bag and grabs her car keys, I grab my bag too and my phone, it’s almost one in the morning but I don’t care I just need to get home before I do more stupid things.
I grab a chitenge and wrap it around my waist before I slowly follow her out. She heads over to the maid’s bedroom and wakes her up father is out of town. The maid unlocks the door and we walk out.
‘Drive safely,’ she yawns
‘Call me when you get there.’
She unlocks her car and as soon as we get in, she drives towards the gate and hoots, the security man steps out of his room.
‘Where are you going to this late?’
‘Please just open and don’t ask questions,’ Angie responds
‘But your father…..,’
‘ Just open the gate,’ she snaps
He rushes to the gate and opens it, Angie drives out into the main road and soon we are on our way home. The road is quiet most people are sleeping but we spot a few cars here and there.
I breathe a sigh of relief when we finally get home safe and sound. Angie hoots at the gate for about five minutes before Koko opens it.
When we finally step out of the car she is standing at the door step,’ I thought it was Naomi,’ she says. Lately Auntie Naomi comes back home very late when she goes out.
‘Hey, I thought you would be sleeping at Angie’s place Zen, is everything the matter?’
I nod my head and we walk in, my thigh still hurts though.
Koko locks up and joins Angie and i in the living room, she is staring at both of us suspiciously.
‘What happened to you? Look at your hair, what’s going on?’
I can’t even begin to explain what happened, I just throw myself in her arms and she embraces me.
She pats my back gently and slowly for a while as I cry, when I am finally calm she speaks up.
‘What did he do?’She asks
‘Who?’ Angie responds
‘How did you know?’
I manage a weak smile Koko can read me so well.
‘I just figured the only reason she would be this distressed would because of a man.’
Angie opens her mouth and explains everything to Koko even the part where I cut my thigh, when Angie is done, Koko has tears in her eyes.
‘Oh my baby,’ she hugs me some more
‘He said he has never loved me,’ I cry
She cups my face in her arms ‘He doesn’t deserve you, you are beautiful my baby.’
‘No buts, he is a fool actually he is the one at loss, he has lost something valuable.’
‘True,’ Angie says
‘I will castrate that bastard when I lay my eyes on him.’
‘Ah, Koko,’ Angie laughs out loud, she laughs too.
She wipes the tears from my eyes, ‘He is not worth it baby.’
She stands up and walks to the kitchen, when she returns she hands me and Angie some tea.
I slowly drink my tea while Angie and Koko engage themselves in a random conversation.
Afterwards I lay my head on Koko’s laps and she begins to sing to me like she usually did when I was young, I feel better and so I slowly feel myself drifting to sleep.